My daily happenings - April 1st

[Missy]

I always found that when my bf wouldn't talk to me or when he would take off...it was because he wanted to avoid conflict with me.

[Patty_Ann]

Today has been a little stressful but not too bad...I haven't cried yet. lol I have been busy cleaning house today - I switched our deep clean day to Saturday instead of it being on Sunday. I'm wanting to start going to church and I want to be able to relax afterwards. The kids are really excited about starting church again - it takes a lot out of me to go to church - my agoraphobia kicks in when I start going somewhere new...I'm afraid but I have met a few people that attend the church that I'm wanting to go to and they say that it is a very friendly church. Sometimes when people are friendly and welcoming I get freaked out...so, we'll see how it works. I might start tomorrow. It will be nice being able to sit on my butt tomorrow and relax. I worked hard in my bedroom today - rearranged the furniture and dusted...wow, I have been neglecting our room. lol I also sorted through our drawers and closet and set out clothes for the sale. I am getting rid of my clothes that are too big. It felt good being able to go through my clothes and toss what I feel is too baggy. I actually got rid of quite a bit.

After I got the house clean I finished watching Unfinished Life while eating lunch (leftover chili). After the movie was finished I decided to workout - I walked 3 miles with Leslie and felt great - I decided to walk another 3 miles - I worked out a total of 90 minutes...woohoo! I jumped in the shower after that and I feel great. The house is clean and very calm right now...I will be starting dinner soon. I think we are going to have spaghetti tonight. Yummy! I am going to watch a movie again tonight.

Well, I'm going to get out of here so I can check out other threads. Talk later.

[Trying4Thin]

Hi Patty Ann,

Glad to see that things are getting better on the home front. I agree with the others that your hubby may be "avoiding" you because he doesnt want to fight with you. Women want to talk about things and men want to just blow off steam somewhere else. Give it some time; and I promise things will get better. You both have been through a lot of stuff this week. But there is always tomorrow right?
I work with a few drivers that either left school bus driving and/or still drive on the side. They all have horror stories. I think public transit (especially school bussing) leaves a lot to be desired. Driving a bus is a tough enough job; but having to also watch a busload of children is next to impossible. Whether they are public school children or those with special needs; it is not safe for the driver's eyes to be off the road. School buses need chaperones to handle any situation that may arise. Drivers are not allowed to lay a hand on a child (no exceptions). Some buses are equiped with cameras to monitor the going's on. I saw an episode of either "Maury" or "Montel" about schoolbus bullying. It was shocking to say the least. After driving public transit for over 10 years now; I would never let my child ride the bus. There are a few school bus drivers in my area that scare me. Not all drivers are reckless, or unable to handle their passengers. However, children also need to be told how to behave on the bus. (Shouldnt that be common sense?) It is a two way street. From what little I know about your son; I dont think he was the problem. But he is better off with you transporting him. If he is being bullied on the bus; somebody needs to know. Schools label "problem children" too easily and it isnt fair to the child. Then they get a reputation that is not deserved, and it ends up following them. I am glad that your son does have somebody on his side. I think this will get straightend out before long. You will be in my thoughts.
Good luck with your new church. Sounds like you will make some new friends there. This could be just the release you were looking for! Hope the kids have fun too.

Keep up the hard work!

~Carrie

[Patty_Ann]

Thank you for your kind words! Although - today is not a good day. Last night my husband didn't come straight home from work - he always does...my daughter called to see if I should put dinner away and he said Yes b/c he was going to look at a camper. What camper? I don't know anything about this. When he got home I didn't speak to him unless he spoke to me - which was nothing. I do not have a good feeling about what is going on - there have been too many times in the past where I felt this way and it never turned out good. I am very sick to my stomach today and have a slight headache. I am so wore out - emotionally. I don't know what else to do - I absolutely HATE not speaking with Dan - I love him SO MUCH - my heart actually burns when I think about what is happening...when they say that your heart is broken that is EXACTLY what it feels like. It hurts too bad to bear...I just want to go to sleep and forget about everything. What makes it even worse - I took it out on my kid's yesterday - WHY? I don't know...I just did and I regret it! I feel bad for my kids - they can see that we aren't talking - something that is very unusual as Dan and I have become EXTREMELY close over the past couple of months. The other day Sam asked what was wrong with her Daddy - I asked her Why...she said "He looks mad." He is TOO quiet...I don't give a damn what anyone says - he should NOT avoid speaking to me. There is NO reason why he should avoid me - he knows that I am not angry with him - he needs to know that I am HURT! I can't even write about this without crying...why does this always happen to us? We have been doing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!

Now that I have started in again I am going to get off here...just needed to get a few things off my chest. Thanks for listening.

[Missy]

I am so sorry to hear hun. I really do hope he comes around soon. I don't even really know what to say that will help make you feel better. It's a tough thing to go through and you just have to have hope that it will come around. I hate that men do this, when they just emotionally close up and push you away. It's extremely hurtful. I do wish you all the best and hope things work out okay for the both of you. *hugs*

[Patty_Ann]

Thanks Missy! I am hopeful that everything will turn around tonight. I sat down and wrote him a letter - I feel a little bit better now that I got it out into words. I just hope that he takes the time to really read what I had to say...if he won't talk with me hopefully he will read what I had to say and let me know everything is going to be okay. I didn't realize until I was writing the letter that he is running - running from something...thinking it has to do with our son. I think it may be too hard for him to deal with...not sure. I hope to find out tonight.

It is awful when ya feel this way and you have no appetite but yet you know that you have to eat so metabolism doesn't slow down...urgh! I just finished lunch - I had to force myself to eat. I had cereal this morning and just had a smoked turkey sandwich. I feel gross now - really stuffed...yuck - I feel like I could just throw up. I'm not going to work out today - I'm going to head up to my mom's when the kids get home from church - she says that it will make me feel better getting out of the house.

Well...I'll talk some more later. Hopefully, I'll be in a better mood and smiling.

[muppet]

I tend to write letters too, when I need to get things off my chest. I think it helps me, because I'm able to say everything I need to say. It's harder when you're actually talking to someone, because they are bound to reply, or even interrupt, and then I lose my train of thought, and we start going in another direction.
So, when I write, I get out exactly what I want to say. It's always worked well for me. Then, my husband, son, or whoever I'm writing to, has it all there in front of them. They can take it all in, and process it, and then we can talk about it. Otherwise, my thoughts get so jumbled. I get over -emotional, and probably let anger, or disappointment affect what I say and how I say it.
I hope it works well for you too. Even if you don't get the reaction that you'd like to , at least you did get it all off your chest, and that has to help.
We all want everything to be perfect for our kids. It's tough when things are not. ( and I don't think they ever are!) It takes awhile to accept these things, but once you do, you realize that you can only do the best you can. And even that might not make everything 'right' for them, but that's all you can do. It's not easy - not for you, as parents, or for your child. All you can do is love your kids. Do what's best, and take care of them the best you can. It's good enough. The road your son has to travel may not be as smooth and easy as some others', but he might end up stronger for it. And you might also.
I'm thinking of you Patty Ann. I'll say a little prayer for you too. Stay strong girl!

[helena]

I am so sorry Patty ann!!! i hope you can sort everything out with your husband!! it is good to write it down in a letter as he will understand just how upset you are!!
i hope you sort things out lovie!!! BIG BIG HUGS for you!!!

[Patty_Ann]

I definitely write when I become upset - writing letters have been my way of expressing myself since I was young. It made me realize that he was running from his problems/issues...it clicked while I was writing. He did read the letter and we are now speaking again. I still feel that he is hiding something from me - just isn't open completely. We'll have to see how it goes this week...I'm hopeful that everything is okay.

I will be starting a new thread for my journal this month. Check it out.