lisa's journal

[ehyatt]

Just keep making little changes in your diet and exercise each day, before long you will be amazed at what YOU can do!

[desperatlydepressed]

no i havnt and im not.

ive gone to more then once. but i cant talk about what i feel. ive tried.
but i just sit there pretending everythings ok. i write.
i write my feelings down.

sometimes i write stories, sometimes poems , sometimes letters.

sometimes i show them to people, sometimes i dont.

its my way of dealing with things, and its working.

i mean, i have bad days, bad days where all i want to do is cry, where i dont want to do anything else.

the day i signed up for this forum was one of those days. hence my username.

but i have good days too, and right now its more good days then bad.

but in the biggest loser house you have people with you that are going through similar things. i know that if it wasnt a television show then i would have done it no questions asked. and now i wish i was there. but im not, so all i can do do what i can, watch, cry when i need to, or even when i dont.

[desperatlydepressed]

ok after i went to bed last night i lay there thinking. am i really depressed. is that holding me down. and i dont mean depressed as in unhappy some days, i mean really depressed. and i came to a decision. well sort of. i have no idea.

i mean i have more bad days then most. i burst into tears at the drop of a hat. i wake up most mornings hating who i am. but i get out of bed. i do everything normally, and i smile and laugh.

then my question is , is that just a front.

i know that i do where a mask sometimes, a happy mask, that hides everything im feeling inside. does that mean im depressed.

then i thought of other things like suicide. no dont worry, i didnt think of doing it tomyself. i couldnt do that. my thoughts were i havnt done it, but i have thought about it. twice. two days years ago i thought about it. the first i was just a passing by of a thought that didnt register. the second was a serious thought, but in the end i chose life and whatever it had for me.

so i guess that maybe that does mean im depressed.

look so i dont know.

i may be and i may not be. i know how i can deal with it.
ive been asking myself most of this for years.

but ive survived, and done quite well too.

maybe im not facing up to the real issues.

maybe im doing that now.

i think, no i know the reason i hate myself so much is that i hate what i look like, i hate this extra fat that hangs from my body. i hate it. but now im doing something about it. im here arent i?

[weaverdelooh]

Have you considered speaking with your family physician in regards to your depression? I approached my doctor a few years ago, and he was absolutely wonderful in assisting with my recovery. A couple of things he encouraged me to do were to find time for myself, and volunteer somewhere. At the time I couldn't imagine volunteering anywhere, let alone working anywhere. I felt I was too tied down with my life. I've got to admit, I've been so blessed through my volunteer work, that if I weren't able to continue I would have to figure out something to fill its place. My volunteer work eventually landed me a position in the company, and further volunteer work landed me a promotion. It's been great for me. I hope you find something that works for you!

Originally Posted by desperatlydepressed

ok after i went to bed last night i lay there thinking. am i really depressed. is that holding me down. and i dont mean depressed as in unhappy some days, i mean really depressed. and i came to a decision. well sort of. i have no idea.

i mean i have more bad days then most. i burst into tears at the drop of a hat. i wake up most mornings hating who i am. but i get out of bed. i do everything normally, and i smile and laugh.

then my question is , is that just a front.

i know that i do where a mask sometimes, a happy mask, that hides everything im feeling inside. does that mean im depressed.

then i thought of other things like suicide. no dont worry, i didnt think of doing it tomyself. i couldnt do that. my thoughts were i havnt done it, but i have thought about it. twice. two days years ago i thought about it. the first i was just a passing by of a thought that didnt register. the second was a serious thought, but in the end i chose life and whatever it had for me.

so i guess that maybe that does mean im depressed.

look so i dont know.

i may be and i may not be. i know how i can deal with it.
ive been asking myself most of this for years.

but ive survived, and done quite well too.

maybe im not facing up to the real issues.

maybe im doing that now.

i think, no i know the reason i hate myself so much is that i hate what i look like, i hate this extra fat that hangs from my body. i hate it. but now im doing something about it. im here arent i?

[desperatlydepressed]

thanks for your advice.

i am getting through. and im making it, slowly.

thats all i can do for now.

[Patty_Ann]

Originally Posted by desperatlydepressed

\

but besides that slip up im going good. im aiming for a whole week to start off with. then going week by week, its all i can do. i cant look to far ahead.


lisa

You could not have said it any better than this Lisa. We have to take it slow - we can't look too far ahead...if we do then we will lose our focus. Take it easy - don't overdo it!

[Patty_Ann]

Lisa...I have been there too many times in the past. There was a time a few years ago that all I thought about was how I could end my life. My depression wasn't a part of my being overweight...it was my marriage. I went to the doctor because when I knew something was seriously wrong with me when my husband and I went christmas shopping for our kids and I couldn't stand being in the store. I also had a family get together for Christmas that year and I broke out in a rash and hyperventilated...It was terrible. I went to the doctor and after I explained what was happening to me I didn't only find out that I was in depression but I had a disorder called Agoraphobia. I was so bad that I would drive down the road and think "No...that hill would only hurt me." OR "That would be a good hill - I wouldn't suffer." It was awful - and because I went to the doctor I was able to get better. I am no longer dealing with depression but have some times when my Agoraphobia will pop up every once in awhile.

I truly wish that you go to a doctor and get some help. I understand how tough it is just going in and admitting that you are depressed. It is hard to understand depression - that is why it is so important to get professional help. It is important that you get this taken care of as soon as possible. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care!

[Jules]

It must be so hard working where you do not to be tempted. I can't even walk past a snack machine without being tempted. It may not seem like it but you are doing great.

You don't know me or really anoyone on these forums, but altough we're not on TV together we're here for each other. And one thing better about here is we're not going to have to vote each other off.

One of the main reasons I'm starting diet and exercise is not just because of the weight but because I feel really bad about myself. I sabotage my own relationships, get jealous and envious easily, and then I just get more upset with myself and eat. It's a vicious cycle and I want to like who I am. Maybe if a councilor doesn't help but you can easily exress yourself in writing, a book with techniques to help you to positive thinking would be helpful. It's private and you can go at your own pace.

Every day may not be a good day, but even when you're not dieting when is every day a good day? I found myself in tears last night swearing to give up the whole thing -but this morning I got up and exercised anyway because deep down I know what I have to do and that I cannot go on getting more and more unhappy with myself and pretending that nothing is wrong.

We're here for you if you need us. I hope you keep watching the show and stay motivated.

[desperatlydepressed]

yes writing is my way of coping. i have brought a new book, the other day, for me to write in.

and it works for me. its when i stop writing thats when i have a bad day.

but now that im eating healthier again and that im going to the gym more regularly i am having more good days. and for me thats a huge incentive to keep going. it keeps me motivated.

[Patty_Ann]

As long as I can remember I have put my feelings into words. I always have written about what was going on in my life. I write really good letters, too...I have been told. Being honest with yourself as you are writing is all that is needed...be true to yourself!