It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Well it would appear that I have gotten my mojo back....finally. I spoke to Eric for an hour on Weds and I think that helped to totally focus me. He did say it would be fun to go on a date (obviously not now because he doesn't really think we will work, but I know that things have to change first and I am not going to call him until they do.) I hate my short and broad build but I am going to make the most of it. I want to show him and everyone else what they passed up. I hate like hell that he can't accept me as I am, but now I have an excuse to motivate myself again to prove him wrong. If that is the role he plays in my recovery than so be it. But I know that in the end, he will be the one chasing after me and it will be my choice as to what to do about it.

[Trying4Thin]

Shocked and dismayed.....

I was watching the newest episode of the show, "Clean House" when I thought I recognized a familiar face at the family yard sale. My jaw dropped and I was hoping that this had taped several years ago, but I knew in my heart that it hadn't. This person (at the time Biggest Loser) aired didn't have any children. Yet at the yard sale he was carrying a toddler. I recognized the voice and the smile too...

The face I recognized was that of Season 1 winner Ryan Benson. Three years ago after major sweat, pain, and tears; he was able to drop an astounding 122 pounds. His success (as well as many of his competitors that season,) would pave the way for many others to change their lives for the better. But this wasn't Ryan Benson the Biggest Loser winner...this was the Ryan Benson who was now almost 300 pounds.

I can't imagine what could have set him back on the road to being unhealthy again; but I feel for him because I have (and still am there) myself. I can only hope that he can get his mojo back and reclaim the healthy lifestyle he once promised America he would lead.

[Missy]

Happy Birthday

[Trying4Thin]

Today is my 33rd birthday and I am freaking miserable. I tried really hard not to be, but I just am.
Last year I promised myself that I wouldn't be alone on my birthday. I had a flight booked back to MA and had to cancel it because my father needed cancer surgery. My parents didn't want me to come home with my father not being able to do anything without being in pain. He's making a full recovery and for that I am grateful.
I woke up feeling really depressed and wished I could have just stayed in bed all day. But I had to go to the DMV to renew my CDL and License plates (both of which expired today.) If I didn't, I would have been suspended from work and I wouldn't be able to drive my car. They made me take my baseball hat off for the picture and it came out horrible. Granted it wasn't as lousy as the one from 5 years ago, but it isn't pretty. I have nobody to blame for that but myself. My parents called earlier to say happy birthday. I didn't get a card this year and that isn't normal. My parents always send goofy cards and I look forward to them, much more than what may be tucked inside. But they said I had to stay home because something was going to be delivered but they didn't know when. I made it through the DMV in record time and came straight home. Last year I waited in line for an hour and a half so I brought my iPod just in case and didn't need it. Some guy came in after me and cut in line. The guy at the counter ahead of me said something and the other guy backed off and let me go. For some reason I felt like exploding but I didn't. Instead I made some lame ass joke about how I must be shorter than usual today. The entire room started cracking up. I came home and put a coat of Armor-all over the leather interior in my car and swept out my carport again. About 20 mins later I got a small glass vase of flowers from my brother. I called him to thank him and had to leave a message on his voicemail. Went to WalMart for a few things, then sat in the Giant Eagle parking lot thinking. I saw a woman walking 2 dogs. One was really huge, almost Mastiff sized and it was chasing a duck. Was cute. I don't know why but a few minutes later I burst into tears. It didn't last long and I was determined to try and enjoy myself even though nothing major was going to happen. I went to the pet store and bought a few things for Snoopy. I think his bunny food is bothering his stomach. He obviously doesn't mind because he has the appetite of a horse. Then I drove over to Borders to see if they had Hell's Kitchen Season 1 on DVD and they didn't. Came home and started watching, The Mummy Returns.
I am very grateful for all the comments and emails that I have gotten from my friends and passengers on here and Facebook. I just wish the one person I wanted to hear from the most would have called or emailed. It's not like I didn't know he wouldn't call because deep down I did know. I was just hoping that maybe this time would be different. I just wanted to be acknowledged and I wanted him to show me that he did care like he claims to. But nothing ever fucking changes. I'm alone on my birthday AGAIN, and he's too damn scared and stubborn to call me. So much for all the praying I did. What the fuck is so wrong with me? I have grown up since we met almost 5 years ago. The only thing that hasn't progressed is my damn weight. Hence, the major reason he doesn't want to be with me. My overall attitude has changed but he wouldn't know that because he hasn't bothered to see me. All that matters is my weight. He was going to ask me to dinner and a movie a few weeks ago but my schedule doesn't work with his. And because he knew I was available. But the more alone I feel, the more I struggle with my weight.
He can't have it both ways...if I am so not his type, why did he call me at all? Most likely because he still thinks subconsciously that there is a chance. I said as much to him and he said yes and no. WTF?? If you don't like somebody why call at all? Even if you are desperate?? Oh and his mother still asks about me. Why does he care so much about what total strangers think? I DON'T WEIGH 500 FUCKING POUNDS! Not by a long shot. And I am not naturally ugly, I'm just fat right now because of an addiction I can't shake. And he thinks we are too open with each other. Well yeah we can talk about anything and I think a lot of couples wish they had that. He said he wished he had it with somebody he really liked. Don't I count for anything? Why is he so scared of being with me? I am not a brat anymore. I have a lot to offer him and I have a huge heart. I just want to make him happy. I told him that I thought that I was the right one for him and he kinda laughed and said I might want to rethink that. I've known it and felt it for almost 5 years. I don't need to think anymore. He even said that I probably had a lot of good things about me that he would like and he probably would like me. ?????? (This was after I said that I wish he had gotten to know the real me and not the one that he ended up with). I was scared and didn't know how to act back then. But obviously he can't get over the past mistakes I made out of ignorance, stupidity, and selfishness. I have picked up the phone twice today to call him but didn't go through with it. And I did ask him near the end of the convo a few weeks ago if maybe sometime in the future if he thought it might be fun to go out on a date and he did say yes. But his thing right now is that we shouldn't spend time together if he doesn't think that we have a chance to get married. But if he wanted to do something he would call me. I also said that even if he thought we had a chance he wouldn't tell me and he said he would. I don't know anymore. If the weight were gone, we wouldn't be having this discussion and we could hang out again and get to know each other again without all the other distractions. How many more times am I going to have to say, well maybe next year things will be different? He said that we can't hang out as friends anymore because I have ruined it (it was the fighting) and it wouldn't be fair to either of us, and that we should only hang out if there is a chance or he is interested as more than friends. I haven't seen him since last November and I am not that girl anymore....I'm just not. I am more mature now; yet still brokenhearted. And to think that 5 years ago I was afraid to get close to him because I didn't want to get hurt. I'm not a naive little brat anymore.
Happy fucking birthday to me.

[Trying4Thin]

Things haven't been going so hot lately. I'm burned out and I just keep packing on weight. I am going home this week and I am happy and dreading it at the same time. Spent almost 2 hours on the phone with my mother's trainer/my friend today. I set up an appointment with him for when I am home. I need to get my ass straightened out once and for all. I am going to be setting up some web pages for him when I go home as well as helping his wife with iTunes. I also have to help my parents with their computer issues. Armand asked me if I wanted to go to the Health Fair in Boston Sunday before I fly home. Guess who is going to be there? None other than Ali Vincent. It will be nice to meet her in person because she and her mother were big inspirations to me. Got a brief email from Eric last week because I had sent him some YouTube videos. I have been backing off and at the same time I'm hoping that he will have a change in heart. Although right now I don't want to see him in my present state. I really do miss him a lot but I am trying to focus my attention elsewhere. I also chopped a lot of my hair off.

[Trying4Thin]

I got to meet Ali and Jay from this season of BL!!! Something came up and Mark couldn't be there. =( Details later! I am way jet lagged!

[muppet]

Wow - I bet that was exciting! How did they look in person?

[Trying4Thin]

I have pics but they aren't that great. Still have to be uploaded onto my pc.

We got to the expo before Ali was scheduled to appear. I happened to see her walking around and almost nobody even noticed her. I didn't talk to her, but Armand did briefly. Before I could say anything she was mobbed. I did get a smile though. She has maintained her weight loss and still has those "arm guns." When it came time to sign autographs, we were second in line. I told her how much she and Kelly had inspired me and that I carried them around on my iPod. I showed her the video I had of her last weigh in before the finals. She seemed shocked and a little taken aback. Obviously she didn't have time to see the whole thing, but why bother...shed had LIVED it. Armand gave her his card in hopes that maybe she could make an appearance at his gym. She said to contact her publicist and took the card. I hope things work out.

Later, Ali and Jay did a demo on one of the stages. There were soooo many people that it was hard to see. Even more so when they began doing jumping jacks. So we headed over to the autograph booth and were 2nd in line again. Mark was supposed to be there as well, but something came up and he couldn't make it. I hope everything is ok because these people are most likely under contract and have an obligation to show up. It was nice to see Jay in his element though. I remember thinking most of the season that he was too dependant on Mark, but that was just what the camera showed. In person he is his own man. So Jay and his wife were there. She looked like she had dropped some weight as well. As for Jay, he looked really handsome in person and he was super friendly and eager to talk. Too bad there was a line because I really wanted to question the heck out of him. I asked about Mark, his Celtics jersey, the trip to Vegas, and how Paul was. At the mention of Paul, he immediately sobered up. He said he didn't know anything except that he was released from the hospital. These guys had their differences on the show, but it was obvious how close they all were. I hope Paul is ok and working on his health. Armand also gave Jay his card and told him to drop by. Jay gave the card to his wife. Considering that they are between 70-80 miles from Acton, there is a huge possibility they will come. Could you imagine Mark and Jay having dinner at my house???? Or getting to work out with them??? I dropped Jay an email today and thanked him for his time on Sunday. I don't know if I will get a response or not, but at least he will know that he helped to make my day a special one.

[Trying4Thin]

I got a good look at Jay's arms and they are HUGE by the way....

Team PRIDE still displays proudly on his right shoulder.

[Trying4Thin]

Image hosting, free photo sharing & video sharing at Photobucket

These pics aren't the greatest, but you get the idea. There include the before and after shots of Ali and Jay, Jay and Ali on stage doing a demo, Jay talking to me (no I am not in it), Jay and Armand, and also Ali and Armand.