It's Time For A New Life

[ehyatt]

Originally Posted by Trying4Thin

Right now I am trying to decide if I want to continue with this journal. Instead of being uplifting and encouraging, it is only making me more miserable. It isnt fair for you guys to have to keep reading about my personal problems and unfulfilled dreams. The only thing it is doing is keeping me honest. I dont even have the desire to cheat (foodwise) anymore because it doesnt hold the importance it once did. All I want is to be with the man of my dreams and get to my goal weight. I really dont think I am asking for too much. Before I met this guy, God was fully aware of my track record with men so I keep wondering why I would have to go through this yet again because each time it gets more and more painful and I just cant take it anymore. I thought this time would be different, and it was until I managed to screw it up. If I hadnt been fat and all the negative things that come with being fat, then we probably would have been engaged by now, or at least in a comitted relationship. I feel like the only relationships I have ever had in my life were with food. Well I broke that one off and what do I have left? The one with myself. Perhaps I should just establish a comitted relationship with the treadmill and my bike and call it a day. I am beginning to think that I am one of the few people on earth who will never be married and have children. And I really dont think that will change when I get to my goal weight because the only guy I will ever want is the one I cant have.

~Carrie

Don't worry about the venting Carrie, we are here for you! Besides your Journal is really for you, if people read it and try to give you encouragement and inspiration then that is icing on the cake. Don't ever apologize for showing your real feelings, I love your honesty and courage!

Oh by the way, my treadmill and I are very committed to each other, our 1 month anniversary is next week. I am thinking this relationship is the one that will stick, and my treadmill does not hog the TV remote.

[Trying4Thin]

Day 15

Well it is Day 15 of my "new lifestyle." I have been dieting since long before that, but a little over 2 weeks ago I made the decision to kick out all the trigger foods for good. I dont diet anymore, I just eat the right things. The foods I used to eat make me sick just from smelling them, and they have completely lost their appeal. Then again, I was never eating them for enjoyment; but instead to fill a void. I am (was) a chronic binger, emotional eater, and carb addict. Now all that is gone from my life. There are things that are much more important than my next cheese fix. I remember somebody saying on the show that it takes 12 days to start a new habit. Well I have started a new habit for craving all my new foods like; Smoothies, Yogurt, Salad, Oscar Meyer Southwestern Chicken, Wheat Crackers, and Special K cereal. I dont feel deprived, cheated, or starving. I am now down to 156.1 (-57.9 lbs). I went to the grocery store again today and the female bagger asked me if I was on any kind of diet. (I had bought a bunch of the Nutrisystem Apple Cinnimon Soy Crisps). It took everything I had not to smack her. Um what business is it of hers?? I said calmly that I was just changing around what I ate compared to what I used to. I hate when people analyze the contents of your cart and then have to have a public discussion about it. Would she have commented aloud if I had had a cart full of Ben & Jerry's and Pizza?? Or just assumed I wanted to be fat.
Last night I called "my guy" to ask if he wanted to go to a movie or take a walk and talk next week sometime. No answer. And still no call or email. No surprise. I am still really hurting. But I know that in my heart it is the right thing to do...to love him. I just wish I had gotten my life together before I met him. I have changed so much since lowering my weight. I have more confidence, I am starting to like myself more, and I have more love in my heart (which right now is going to waste). I choose my outlets better than I used to. Instead of turning to food, I know I can turn to the treadmill or the 6 mile trail. It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders (no pun intended), to have cut ties with food. It was NOT my friend. It feels good to be active again. It feels good to feel somewhat pretty, and not have a distorted face and body. I am always getting compliments from people and that feels pretty good. Come my 31st birthday I will be 120, I dont care what I have to do. That is a promise that I am making to myself. I am not going to give myself the chance to go back on that promise like I have hundreds of times before. Yes, people want me to get to goal, but I think deep down they think that I wont ever get there because losing weight alone is so hard, it takes time and discipline, and I have a less than stellar track record with it. Well I am here to prove those people wrong. I was looking at the amount of "hits" that my journal has had these last two weeks and I cant help but wonder...Why are all these people reading what I write? Is it for my soap opera, are they seeing how much strain I can take before I go and drown my sorrows in a large pizza, or am I possibly inspiring somebody out there? Just a thought I had earlier. I am just in a funk right now, and I am hoping that I will get a phone call or an email soon. But unlike other times I have been in a depression funk, my diet will not be the main casualty. I know better than that. In my mind, there are NO excuses to binge or cheat. I should know, because I have used darn near all of them. I am being extra hard on myself because I know about my past actions. If I cant handle it, I dont buy it. There is no such thing as just one serving of pizza, one tv dinner, or one scoop of sugar free ice cream. Today I actually put on a pair of size 5 underware. Last time I tried them on, (many many many pounds ago), I thought I was never going to get into them. I guess I can take comfort in the small victories. But in reality, they arent that small afterall. Keeping my fingers crossed that my phone will ring tonight while I am at the gym. What a miracle that would be. I also know that if I sit home and wait for the phone to ring, it wont...and my weight wont move either. I am not going to let 2 huge dreams of mine go to heck in a handbasket. God helps those who help themselves. Time to get off my butt and work for it.

~Carrie

[ehyatt]

You have a great attitude Carrie-go for it!

[Trying4Thin]

Day 16

Well it is Day 16 and things are starting to pick up for me. Today I weighed in at 155.5 lbs (-58.5). I went to the gym last night and had another decent sweat session on the treadmill. I went 4.75 miles. Not too bad, but I would have been happier with 5.50 or 6 miles. I ran a little, but focused mainly on hills. I am a little bit sore in my quads and left knee, but it is nothing I cant deal with. I dont think much is going to stop me now because I have quit being scared of the new life I will have when all this is over. So bring it on...
I tried the Whey Protein Powder that my mother suggested. It takes some getting used to, but it isnt bad. Even better than that, it was on sale. Usually anything from a health food store is mega expensive. I am really beginning to like my daily food regimen. Ok I have to admit that I did start to salivate driving by some fast food joint earlier today. The smell of hamburgers was a little too much to ignore. But soon I was focused on something else. If you were to ask me what restaurant it was, I couldnt tell you. All of a sudden, I was hit by the smell and I looked around, but didnt see where it was coming from. When it comes to fast food places, I now wear blinders. It's kinda like being in jr high and you and your best friend had a falling out and are no longer on speaking terms. You walk by each other with your heads held high. You both know the other is there, but neither of you publicly acknowledges the other with a sneer or even allow your eyes to lock. I feel sorry for the people that are so easily influenced by pictures of 3 ft tall glossy burgers, fish and breakfast sandwiches dripping with all the fixin's and loaded with an obscene amount of fat and cholesterol. Can you imagine this coming from the drive thru speaker box..."Heart attack on a bun is now available for here or to go?" You can even add extra meat. "Would you like that Triple Bypass now or later?" It makes me wonder how many years I skimmed off my life eating all that stuff. I didnt even feel good after eating it, just stuffed and guilty. I like that I have the power to chose what I put into my mouth at meals. Before I felt like I had zero control. I was losing the battle to food and losing badly I might add. Food doesnt fight fair. It will lure you in with tantilizing smells, great textures, and promises of making you feel good afterwards. Yeah right. All I wanted after my thrice daily binges was to cram more down, and then to curl up into a ball and sleep the day away. It robbed me of my energy, my self confidence, and my life. Nobody should have to feel that way. Food is a drug and it should be used carefully before addiction occurs. I am no longer weak, and I will not give in to its false promises. Expecially not when I am beginning to see the start of cheekbone definition and an actual collarbone. I didnt believe I had these. I thought I was just a natural blob whose bone structure would never get the chance to peek out from under all the layers of self induced flab. I am going to unzip the fat suit, and I will do it by force if necessary.
Last night I was finally able to get, "my guy" on the phone. It didnt go badly, but I do feel a little better knowing that I was able to hear his voice. He was a little upset I called, but I didnt call to tell him how great I thought we would be together. I did say that I still had feelings for him and that I also missed him as my friend, and I gave him a progress update. It was really emotional for me. I think he was too busy being frustrated that I called to listen to a lot of what I said. Yes I tend to ramble, but as he said, "I am a girl and I am just being me." He is happy we are taking a break and he doesnt know if he will call me or not. He did say if there is something he wants to do, he will call me. (Ok a break doesnt mean over and done with forever.) And if he were seeing somebody, I think he would have told me to get lost.) I know it is going to take a long time to get his trust back, but I will be patient. I think we both need to heal emotionally from all the past fighting. Just between us, I am hoping he holds off a couple of weeks before calling, so I can get to the mid to low 140's. I am hoping to hit 149 by the end of the month, but whenever I get close to getting to the next set of digits, my body decides to rebel and I put on 3 pounds that take me a decent amount of time to get rid of. Losing weight really is a life changing experience. I am growing up in ways I never thought I could. I am beginning to wonder if the people who havent seen me in months, years, whatever...will even recognize me on the inside? Not to mention, the outside. For my family, they will have the old high school Carrie back. For all the people I have met since moving out here, they will see a newly reinvented Carrie. And for the man of my dreams, he will see the girl he has always dreamed of having (not the yucky girl he claims to want now; and no I dont mean me). Instead he will see the girl he should have met, (when we first met) and I think I will like getting to start over again getting to know each other without the stupid insecurities and bad attitude getting in the way. I will have stripped off all the years of ugliness that (eating to excess and self hatred) have left behind in their wake. I am ready to start my new life, and no bite of french fry is even worth trading that for.

~Carrie

[weaverdelooh]

Carrie, You're doing great! You've lost almost 60 lbs already!!!! It's very encouraging to me. It's kind of like one of those "hey, if you work at it you can do it too" moments.

[Widdlecuddles]

Carrie you are doing so great!!!!!

[Jules]

I hope you keep writing your journal. I know I have really enjoyed reading it. Sometimes you say things like about the heart attacks on a bun and it makes me laugh -and other times your writing makes me sad (and consider how my weight is also affecting my relationship with my guy), and other times I just am like -I love peach and vanilla bubble baths too!

I hope you are finding the writing cathartic and encouraging since so many nice people are on the forums writing encouragements. Thanks for sharing and for reminding me of my own motivation. I hope things keep getting better for you.

[Trying4Thin]

Day 17


Well I am closing in on the end of Day 17. I gained a little back (no surprise here), so I am now 157.2. I guess that is the price I pay for weighing myself daily. But it keeps me honest. Tried the Vanilla Whey Protein Powder today. It was ok, but it is going to have to be an aquired taste, just like the chocolate was. The taste is not vanilla, and the consistancy is sticky but who am I to complain. As long as it does its job. Looks like I am going to have to make my daily stop at Giant Eagle. I am going through salad and yogurt like it is going out of style. It is really weird how you can actually change your taste preferances. I like this better than being a fast food slave. I shudder to think what I blew in a day, a week, a month on fast food. Argh. Probably as much as Hollywood starlets would spend on a Louis Vutton purse. (What is the lure of a $2,000 purse anyway? They all do the same thing.) I am starting to get weirded out everytime I look in the mirror. My face is really starting to change and I am wondering how much longer it is going to be before I look at my reflection, and instead of me looking back, I will be locking eyes with a complete stranger. For the second day in a row, I was called skinny at work. This kind of puzzles me, because I keep getting too small for my uniform so it just hangs on me, and because I feel like my stomach is so huge. I think this is partly because I have lost weight and inches elsewhere and my stomach and chest are the last to get with the program. But, I am still shy with compliments because it is so strannge to hear them. Now when people describe me, they tend to leave out the "chubby" part. (I think). Feels pretty good. But I kind of feel like an imposter because technically I am still in the obese category. That is such an ugly word, and I cant wait until I never have to hear it again. Wow, I am sitting here and I can actually feel my chestbone. Not that I ever specifically looked for it before. Guess the scale doesnt know everything. I can feel my ribcage too, but seeing it is another story. So glad the nice weather has come back, even though it is only for 2 days. Today I am going to take advantage, and go outside for a walk after dinner is done. Wish the trail was lit after dark, but then again it also becomes a safety issue, so I will stick to walking around the college campus. Well I seem to be rambling because I dont really have anything more interesting to add. No new updates with, "my guy." That is going to take some time. In the meantime, it is ME time. I want to blow him away the next time we see each other with the amount of progress I have made. I can take care of myself now, and I can take care of him too. Thank you for all the positive reinforcement. It has been a tough week, but I survived. I will spend more time answering your journals this coming week. But these past few days, I needed the extra time to find my smile again.

~Carrie

[weaverdelooh]

Carrie, I'm glad you found your smile! I'm sorry I wasn't thinking straight enough to send one to you!

[Trying4Thin]

Ok so I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and take my hike around campus. Um I just checked the weather and they are saying it is 28 degrees, but feels like 17. Ok no problem, I can handle the elements. But man does that wind feel like a cold slap across the cheeks. I have done my campus hike before and I think it is 3 miles, maybe more. My pedometer decided to conk out. I decided to add a little twist though. I added 2 five pound ankle weights. Doesnt sound like much, but it provides definite resistance on your legs. Especially climbing curbs, walking on anything but pavement and hills. It does take some getting used to, and it isnt as easy to stop walking on the dime. Once you get that momentum you can really haul tail. I have tried this on the treadmill and it was ok, but outside was more of a challenge with all the inclines and different road textures. I am hoping to use it as a toning exercise as well as a calorie burner and endurance booster. I think the strength of the human spirit and body is a lot stronger than we give it credit for. As strong as my legs are, I figured I wouldnt make it around without having to remove the excess weight. Well I did that, and I motored up hills I could barely walk up when I weighed 214. It's a great feeling. What isnt a great feeling is that I think I have frost bite from this adventure.


Carrie's Walking Outdoors Tips:

*Bring your favorite music or a book on tape (Time will fly)
*The type of music you choose can determine how many calories you burn (I always burn more when a silly song or "angry" music is on)
*Invest in a pedometer (I always like to see how many steps I take)
*Always be on the look out for drivers (they wont be looking for you)
*Dress for the elements
*Bring H20 if needed (I once got so dehydrated on a hike, I almost passed out before getting home)
*Bring a cell phone (safety reasons)
*Time yourself (become your own competition)
*Get comfortable shoes
*Enlist a friend if you dont want to hoof it alone
*Go at your own pace and work your way up
*Treat yourself to something special when you get home, like a bubble bath or manicure
*Track your progress
*Be proud of yourself for getting outside
*When it is springtime, it is ok to stop and smell the flowers
*Dont be afraid to dance to your favorite song when walking (I prefer doing air guitar)
*Have FUN!!

~Carrie

Now does anyone know how to treat frostbite?!