It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Grrrr....Back to 145.8 pounds. My personal scale today said 144.2 and I about went through the roof. Well next week I will be able to reach my 70 pound loss (I hope). At least I should be thankful I didnt regain the weight I took off with the juice cleanse. I am just frustrated and mentally exhausted right now. I feel like I am walking around with cotton balls where my brain should be. I know I will get there; but I want to get there NOW! I feel bad about missing last night; but I think my body needed some rest. I will make sure I go tonight. I have a better time thinking things through (especially my current issue) and dealing with my emotions when I am sweating. Depending on what I am pondering; I sometimes work out even harder.

Hope you guys have a great weekend if I dont see you.
~Carrie

[Trying4Thin]

So far this weekend has been a complete bust. I have overeaten and I am not proud of myself. Maybe my body will appreciate the temporary change instead of my usual strictness....Yeah I gotta keep telling myself that and soon I will be 214 again. I am tired, stressed out, cranky, emotionally spent, and I dont give a crap in general. I was originally going to wait until Tuesday or Wed to email Eric back but I couldnt stand it anymore. I think I handled myself well; and kept my emotions in check. Honestly I am surprised since I have been going over and over this email trying to desypher it for the past three days. I guess I somehow feel that if I stop looking at it then it will somehow change in meaning and he will indeed be tossing me over instead of begging for forgiveness. I tried to consider it from every possible angle and that just made me feel worse. I began to think one way, only to rethink it and change my mind. The only one who knows the true intent and meaning of his words is Eric. So I did what I could and now I just have to wait. As they once said in a favorite movie of mine; "Get busy living, or get busy dying." (Shawshank Redemption). I am just grateful that he came back to me. I think deep down I always knew he would. We just cant stay away from each other for too long. Why is that?

G-d, Rebecca St. James, and her album, ("If I Had One Chance To Tell You") will get me through this in one piece.

[Trying4Thin]

I just want this weekend to be over with already. I need a vacation from my thoughts...and from hanging around my phone "just in case" there is an email or phone call. I am starting to get comfortable with some old habits that I dont want to become reacquainted with again. Nothing off plan (as usual), just the amount. It is all emotional eating related and I know that for sure. I really thought I was past all that; but this time and latest conundrum is a doozy for me. Waiting is the worst of it. If I dont hear anything by Weds of this week; then I will know what to do. But something tells me that I wont have to wait that long.

Next week I am going to be back in fighting shape again. I dont like playing the fat lazy girl on the couch role that I had mastered for so many years. A little break was ok. But I have got to get back to business for next week. If I do see Eric next week (anything is possible), I dont want to look like I gained weight. I have Summer/Fall cleaning to tackle, planning my trip home in November (time off approved), and I have to get ready to apply for a new job. I really cant afford the petty distractions.

[Missy]

When you feel like you are just sitting around waiting for a phone call or an email...try to go occupy your mind with something else. Make an interesting craft or a collage of how you have changed mentally, emotionally and physically..something to look at everyday so you can remember how far you've come. If you can sew, do something like that or just go out for a walk/run to clear your head. Enjoy you. Don't worry about what's happening in the world or the people in your life..just take that time for you. Put some music on and have a nice long bubble bath or do something for yourself. Take control over your emotions instead of having them take over your day. I know doing this helps me sometimes to forget about daily life stresses.

[Trying4Thin]

I have been doing quite a bit to stay distracted. I have tried sleeping; downloading "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" off ITunes, taken a long shower, eaten etc and nothing is working. I am dying to pick up the phone....I dont know if he is sleeping, watching the PGA Tour (huge Tiger Woods fan), or if he has even checked his email yet. Part of me thinks that if he were really sorry he would have called or emailed by now. I was reading an email I sent about a week ago where I said the following; "I know that I am the right one for you; minus the fighting. I think we need a little more time to get things right between us..." Then on Weds he says, "I so (could have been "do"), want things to be right between us. So why didnt he mention friends in that sentence? I swear I am going insane.

[Trying4Thin]

I am soooo glad this weekend is over. I am really ashamed of myself with the bad habits getting the better of me. It's sickening really. Everytime I am on the right track; I sabotage myself. Well as I said before...tomorrow it is right back to business. I dont care what they say about the amount of hours I can/cant exercise compared to the amount of food I eat...I am going to do what I want to do. Front desk hottie will be closing so I have "incentive" to work out longer. We actually spoke a little last Weds night. Nothing major; but then we both started to talk at the same time and I kinda walked off like a dork. I dont know why I act as I do. I am still not comfortable with myself yet around any guy (whether I am interested or not.) But it wasnt like he was hitting on me. He was just being nice and I was just replying.

Still nothing from Eric. Part of me is really surprised and the other part isnt. He has long hours to work during the weekend so it wouldnt surprise me if he didnt get to his email yet. But he seemed so sincere and concerned the other day...I am kinda wondering why he didnt just call. It's the waiting that is driving me nuts. I think this weekend would have been much more low key (and less food) if I hadnt been going out of my mind over this. Maybe he thinks I havent written him back yet or was expecting me to call him. I dont know. But if after what he wrote he was just messing with me I will flip out. I really hope he was sincere. I just cant figure out if he ment he "so wants things to be right between us" as friends, or so we can eventually be more than friends. When I know; you guys will know. All I can say is that I really had a craving for PIZZA today. Thank G-d I was too lazy to get one. I am going to have to kill myself this week to get back on track again and remind myself why I dont overeat anymore.

Hopefully work will be uneventful tomorrow. Every now and then I need a slow shift where nothing goes wrong. Students are coming back so the traffic will most likely be bad. At least I am off by 12:30pm. Going to continue cleaning tomorrow because it takes my mind off things and I hate clutter. I have too much junk that I dont need anymore. I think my apartment would be much bigger than I remembered if I could get rid of the space hogs.

Watching the Teen Choice Awards now so I can watch Kevin Federline make an idiot of himself in front of millions. This is gonna be goooood! Well Nick Lachey, Johnny Depp, etc are there too. However you cant hear most of the acceptance speeches because of the screaming teeny boppers.

[Trying4Thin]

Hmmmm....what kind of a world are we living in???? I was called into the office today for being "too helpful" with a sick client (the one I mentioned Friday.) Does that in any way tell you why I want to leave my job!! Silly me, I always thought the customer and their needs came first.

Still no email or phone call. I am going NUTS! I am really really hoping it is because he hasnt checked his mail yet. I really want to call him because I cant stand it anymore; but I wont. I will take a nap instead. Not going to help much, but it will keep me busy for a little while.

[Trying4Thin]

I really am a big fat idiot....

I called Eric and left him a message that everything was cool between us. I finally hear back from him via email, and I am really feeling sick to my stomach. He said that he was glad to hear that everything was good between us considering how he treated me, and he was glad I left a message saying so. He still doesnt want me to call him because he thinks he will still say things to me that he shouldnt and he doesnt want to go back to the way things were. So we can email each other. He hopes that things are going well for me and that I am still working out. What was the point of apologizing to me and making me think that there was hope for us (on any level; friends or more) if he was just going to keep me at arms length still? Or if he was probably still going to say stuff he shouldnt? I thought we could start hanging out again? So much for having hope.

[Trying4Thin]

He only said it so we could end on a good note. If he talked to me or not again, he just wanted things to be left on a good note. I am now completely crushed. I knew this was going to happen because it was "too easy" and too much of a miracle that he came back to me. I do not understand G-d at all. He got my hopes up for nothing.

[Trying4Thin]

Dragged my depressed behind to the gym tonight and ran myself into the ground. Did an hour and a half on the treadmill and I think I ran most of it. Did most of my running on 5.2 mph and then a sprint on 7 mph. Burned 627 calories and 45% fat. Should have stayed longer; but I just wanted to go home. Missed my weigh in today because I was too ashamed to get on the scale after this weekend. I will probably weigh more on Weds because my heart is hanging down to my toes. I am going to get to 120 and then I am going to shock the heck out of him. Caught front desk guy looking at me today. Makes me nervous. Exchanged a few words. He said something on the way out that I didnt hear. I responded with "you too." I hope he said to have a nice night. But I dont think he did. Double chin is just about gone. Comes back when I talk though. At least I dont have to look at it in the mirror anymore. That has since happened since Eric last saw me.