It's Time For A New Life

[mifsit]

This is starting to really p*** me off. No one comes here to read a soap story, its about a group of people who happen to actually give a crap about each other helping and supporting each other. I've got a good mind to give you a kick up the backside. You are part of the glue that holds this group together. If you quit now then not only are you letting yourself down but also all of us who care about you.

[Trying4Thin]

Feeling like complete junk today; and have been for some time. Some days I am really hungry and overeat; and others I skip meals altogether because I get distracted. Havent been to the gym since Monday night when I ran. My parents and I are currently not speaking because they thought I said that they didnt support me. That is not what I said; but things got taken out of context. Weight is back up a few pounds. No surprise there. I really do not want to weigh in again tomorrow. I think I am going to go back on the juice cleanse for a few days since eating isnt first on my list (not by a long shot) as of late. Spoke to Eric a few times yesterday. I left a message telling him to call me back before he went to work. He called while he was at work. I was shocked....I didnt want to bother him, so I didnt return the call. He called again a while later and we talked a little. He called back a little later and we spoke again for about 10 mins. I have no idea how this is going to play out because I refuse to give up hope. But for right now I am going to let it go. We need to be friends first and I need to get my head sewed back on. There is another FT position coming open in a few where I work. I have very mixed feelings about applying for it. I have given them NOTHING to complain about recently. But I am sick of being humiliated. I feel like if I go in there again; I will be begging. However, I need the paid health benefits. That is why I was hoping the weight would come off so I could avoid having to apply again for FT where I currently am. Neither job are a "sure thing." Anyway, I am going to do the one (Positive) thing that makes me feel better when I feel like complete junk...I am going to clean. Lord knows I have had enough of it to do around here since my "lifestyle change" became my newest obsession. I have a one (maybe two) track mind when it comes to what's important to me. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out what those two things are.

[Trying4Thin]

Hi everyone,

I have done my fair share (well more than) of thinking and crying this weekend and I cant stand it any longer. I am slowly reverting back into the monster that I once was. I feel like I dont have a friend in the world (including Eric at the moment), and my parents arent speaking to me either. I just cant be here on this forum anymore. I am a horrible moderator, role model, and friend. So I am just going to go and be somewhere that I can work on myself and not hurt anyone else in the process. I have tried my best on here to be supportive of all of you, and the stuff you are all going through (though there were times I wanted to punch the screen in frustration). I have tried to personally email members who have recently fallen off the face of the earth; and gotten very little response. I have spent nights worrying about some of you and your situations. I really didnt mind; because it helped to get me out of bed in the morning; and most of the time it made my day to read your comments. I owe a lot of my recent success to the board and the people involved with it. However, it is getting to be too much right now. Maybe one day I will be able to come back when I am at my goal weight and things are going better for me. But right now I just need to be alone to regroup and to work on myself. Maybe then I can find a way to be happy. Life is too short to be this messed up. I think I understand (now), why nobody wants to be with me long term. Because I am a mess...

Good luck with your weight loss guys. You have come a long way and I know you can go the distance if you just believe in yourselves.

One more thing...for those of you who got the wrong idea from my journal. I DID NOT mean that the only reason you were reading it was my soap opera. What I ment was that as soon as I mentioned guy problems; the daily view numbers shot through the roof. I figured (as Missy said) that people were kinda following the story; but they were also seeing HOW I delt with it. If I turned to food or would I rise above it and work that much harder to get to my goal? I would like to think that I had a hell of a lot more to talk about than just Eric. Many posts come to mind and I never even gave him a second thought. I talked so much because it was a stress buster and extra insurance that I didnt tell my troubles to the fridge; as per usual. I was kvetching for ME; not to drive people nuts. If I pretended my journal didnt have an audience; then it was easier to be completely honest with myself.

"People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning."
– Lao-Tzu

[Brian]

Well even though I will respect your decision I think you will be missed very much around here. Seems like you and a few other people have been holding it together.

I really hope you get everything worked out and I would like to see you back here someday.

You will be missed!

[Missy]

Carrie,

I am very sorry to see you leave the forums. I can also understand that you want some time to find yourself. I just wanted to say thank you for all your support, advice and help along the way of my weight loss journey. You have pushed me to work harder in my workouts and achieve my goals. I wish the best for you in whatever you choose to pursue in your life right now and wish you luck on the full-time position if you should apply to it. We will definately miss you around here and hope someday you will come back and visit.

xoxo Missy

[muppet]

Dear Carrie,
I'm very sorry to hear you think you need to leave for awhile.
For the record -- you did nothing but help everyone here. You seemed to be a little resistant to help from us, but you gave us all smart and accurate advise. Also, no one cares, or minds if you want or need to vent about anything other than weight loss. As you have told so many, your journal is for YOU. So, whatever you feel like you need to get off your chest, is what should be in your journal. But when I say we don't care about what you write in your journal, it doesn't mean we don't care about YOU. We are all more than our 'diet and exercise plan'.
Anyway -- I wish you nothing but the best. I'll miss you, and include you in my prayers. I hope you find peace, contentment, and true happiness.
Love,
Carol

[mifsit]

Don't be gone long Carrie. You may not feel like you have a friend in the world but All of us on here are your friends.

[Trying4Thin]

Still feeling like junk and I havent worked out in well over a week. I am (most of the time) forcing myself to eat. I only feel like eating once a day; maybe twice. The rest is forced. Yet my weight is still coming down. I hate pms. Makes me feel the Pillsbury Dough Girl. Dont recognize my own face in the mirror these days. I am going to show the world that I am going to get to 120 by any means necessary. I think it is also going to be the key for getting my friendship back on track with Eric. We are only emailing now...he is putting the shrew first. He says he cant put me first so it isnt right to be with me right now. And he doesnt want anything from me. I know he called her about a week and a half ago. No clue if she called back or not. I dont care. It's amazing the clarity you can get when you feel like complete &*^%. I was wrong to try and push a relationship on him. And I want him to get to know the real me, and the person I am inside and out (MINUS THE FAT). It would make a world of difference in how I acted and reacted to him. I wouldnt be so insecure and pushing for something when it wasnt the right time for it. But with the confidence I am slowly getting back; I can relax and not try to jump into things. He is not seeing me now because he doesnt want to start to like me and our fighting. Well the fighting is over because I made peace with my past, and my reflection this week. I like myself now and I have lost 66.2 pounds now. (Most likely more; but PMS bloats me). I dont care what anyone says; this is far from over. I am just going to change my actions. There is a lot to be said for feeling at home (FINALLY) in my own skin. The government can take my "Obese" lable and SHOVE IT where the sun dont shine!!

[susieokla]

Hi Carrie-I'm sorry you're feeling like junk. I do hope you get to feeling better soon. You've done so great with your weight loss and I am very proud of you.

Keep your chin up.

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks Susie,

Right now I am just fed up with the way things are. I thought I had "made my bed years ago; and had to sleep in it." Well, I am still going to sleep in it, but I am going to change the covers. Anyone who thinks that they arent ruled by their weight and appearance is trying to fool themselves. I know that if I hadnt been so huge; that I wouldnt have made everything in my life so huge and out of control as well. I wouldnt have settled for crap jobs thinking that I didnt deserve any better. I wouldnt have pushed for a relationship when the time wasnt right. I would have sat back and let it happen. It wouldnt be so easy to set me off emotionally. But now that I am almost within shouting distance of normal; I know that juat about everything I had done for the past 12 years was completely wrong. It's all in the approach. I am confident enough now that I can accept being "just friends" and not having to always push for something more to happen. If it is ment to be; it will happen. I am confident enough now to stick my neck out for a better job. I am confident that I have kicked the cravings to the curb forever. I am confident in myself and my ability to change. I went from 214 to 147.8. That was ALL me. If that isnt a kick in the ass then I dont know what is. To give up now would be killing my dreams. It would be easier to keep pushing forwards towards success; than to just give up and go back to overeating, not fitting into clothes I want, and being alone forever.
Told my counselor yesterday that I have two goals I want to achieve before the end of the year. 1) To wear a bikini (even if it is in December), 2) To get my "white coat" She seemed surprised and told me to talk to the manager. I thought I had made myself perfectly clear about wanting in but maybe not. She said that she had no problem bringing somebody in who was qualified. Corporate has nothing to do with it. She does all the interviews. Now I am getting a little nervous. The person I saw today started on the program when she was close to 300 pounds and had only lost 15. I have lost a little over 15 on their program plus loads more on my own. I am kinda wondering why the invite wasnt extended to me. But she said to keep doing what I was doing...whatever that means. I am going to juice cleanse this weekend and see what happens. If it backfires on me again; then I wont do it again. I may also look into changing my food plan since I cant stuff down everything. But if I up my exercise over 5 hours a week; then I will have to stay on the red plan.