It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks guys for all your help. I wish it were that easy though. I know if I were where you were; I would be agreeing with you. But I am one of the ones who gives their full heart and cant get it back. I need some time to clear my head though. After I got home last night I emailed a former guy friend in hopes that he would write me back. (He is Canadian and most likely sweating along with Missy). I doubt I will hear from him. I also had a brief layover today and called "my guy" to see if he wanted to do something sometime where we actually spoke. That and I didnt get why he was the way he was last night and that I went to the gym and ran my gutts out afterwards. While I was doing a driver switch I got an email notification on my phone from him. So I called him and asked what he wanted since the entire message didnt fit on screen. He wanted my address so he could have some "helpful cd's" mailed to me and he was going to watch a dvd tonight if I wanted to come over. I was very hesitant; I mean why bother if he wont talk to me? Ok so he doesnt have a lot of time for me now, (and because of the past he wants things to be constructive), but that will change as things get better between us. Right now I will take what I can get. When I get to goal he will most likely be drooling all over me. I know I sound pathetic; but when you really love somebody, you dont give up on them. I am sensing that he doesnt love "the shrew" as much as he claims to. Or he never would have met me in the first place...as friends or otherwise. Most likely will leave early again tonight and head to the gym since I have another silly weigh in tomorrow. That is the last thing I need right now. Anyway, I am hot...tired, and very cranky so I am going to take a nap. Thanks for caring.

~Carrie

[Trying4Thin]

Well I am back to 149.2 pounds. So I am hoping to be less for the next weigh in. I know I could have been in the 148's or lower if I had gone to the gym last night but I was too tired and I left my monitor strap at home. I know I have lost more inches; I guess the scale will need some time to catch up.

Not wanting to talk about last night at this point. I am really confused right now. Parts were really good and others were awful. I am just so tired right now. Tired of competing with a "ghost girl" who will never be in his life ever again. She was removed from it to make room for me. I have believed that for years. Why am I always there and she isnt? No matter how bad it gets we always go back to each other.

I admit it; I did this (and came this far) for him and nothing else. I couldnt have done it for anyone else; not even me. I was trying to "die" by food. He brought me back to life and showed me all the possibilities.

[Trying4Thin]

I have recently learned that Eric doesnt think that we will ever be together; he doesnt want me as a girlfriend. But he does love me as a friend. I guess I should have known since it has never worked in the past with guys (I thought) I wanted. He says that I should just leave it with God and he will work this out. I can do that now because I know that I will never get married to anyone else and I never have to worry about falling for anyone else. Even if God wants us to be together; it is still all up to Eric whether or not he wants to listen to the word of God. I am guessing that he wont because he isnt listening now. So now I shut up about it, pray for a miracle, we continue on as friends, and I accept the inevitable. (Or at least the gloomy outlook as it stands for right now). Even Eric says that miracles can happen. At least now I can concentrate on getting the rest of my weight off and becoming a weight loss counselor. Then my life wont be so empty knowing that I wont ever walk down the aisle with him or have children together. Some people arent supposed to be married. So I am just going to make due and dedicate my life to helping others battle the bulge instead of crying over what love I will never have.

[susieokla]

Hang in there girl...You know you've got a friend, PM me anytime.

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks, but no amount of talking is going to make this go away. True love isnt supposed to be able to be crushed (says Eric); but I am crushed and so is my spirit. I dont think even the man upstairs can fix this one no matter how hard I pray for it.

[mifsit]

I don't want to sound too harsh but you didn't do any this for anyone else but yourself. Your determination has set an example to all of us.

We've all said this before but this guy does not deserve to be with someone as special as you are. You may not believe it but one day a deserving man will make you his Queen and it clearly is not this guy. He's had more than enough chances, you've made your feelings perfectly clear and time again he's left you hurt. Don't close your eyes and miss out on a real guy who will make you happy.

[Trying4Thin]

Hi everyone,

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking and I have decided that I dont have the energy to keep up my journal anymore. I really dont have anything to write about. How many times can people stomach hearing about my pathetic social life? The only reason my journal ever got as many views as it did was when I began talking about Eric. People most likely wanted to tune in to see if the "fat girl could find happiness with the man of her dreams." Well I didnt so now there is no more soap opera to write about. From here on out I am just going to post my scale numbers. This morning my scale said 147.4, I looked smaller than ever, and I dont even care. I am just going to keep praying for an impossible miracle that (probably) wont ever happen.

Too bad I still believe in horoscopes...They too give me false hope...

"The entire direction of your career or love life could change in a second. A few coincidences lead you to your fate -- and what a fate it is! Miracles can happen, but they happen on their own schedules."

[Missy]

Carrie, please trust me that it is no one's intention to sit and read about your "drama" as you call it. I think we are all just concerned and don't want to see you get hurt, that's all. I know that I personally don't tune in to your journal to hear about your guy..I always read because I like to see how your progress is coming along and what your struggles are and what you are doing to overcome them. I know that once I get down to around where you are, I am sure I am going to run into some of the same problems. I guess that by seeing you get through the obstacles, will make me realize that I can do it too and not to give up on myself. I love coming in everyday and reading your journal...I feel like I know you, because you are so open with your emotions and I don't think it's a bad thing at all to express them to people who care. All we want to do is help and try to give the best advice that we can. I know that for me, keeping my emotions inside is what led me to get depressed and use food for comfort...and you shouldn't feel like venting to us is a bad thing. Just get it off your chest, I can assure you we don't mind.

I also wanted to say that you are doing a great job and you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise. Congratulations on going down again today at your weigh in. But Carrie, you have to stop letting this guy control your emotions and he shouldn't be the reason you are losing weight. We love you and are always here for you no matter what.

[Joysieangel]

Carrie,
I know that I havent been here for a long time, only a little over a week, but one of the reasons that I joined this site was because I had read your journal and I thought to myself that Ive had some of the same road, its a hard road and between your journal and the post you had for others I thought to myself that with someone like that in my corner and cheering me on I may be able to do it this time. Im not trying to be hard or mean in any way so please dont take it that way, I really dont care about Eric, I honestly dont even remember reading about him in any of your posts other then the last few, and only then did I go back and re read some of your previous journals. That wasnt the reason I joined. YOU and the others with weight loss were the reasons I joined. Your cheerful posts and motivation were the reason I joined. Im concerned with the way YOU are feeling, not with him, if he cant see that he has an AWESOME person who loves him very much then that is on him, not on you.

[muppet]

I'd probably be better off if I stepped away for an few hours before replying to this, but what the heck.....
I'm offended. How can you possibly think that the good people here are only interested in your pursuit of some guy you have so built up in your head, to be 'the one' for you? After all the advice, support, and friendship extended to you, by myself and others, I really can't believe you could say such a thing.
I wish you could look at your posts with fresh eyes. If anyone but you were saying these things, you would be all over them, telling them to dump the jerk, telling them that they are too good for that kind of treatment, and that they are special and beautiful, and not to let anyone else tell them differently!!!
Am I too harsh? Probably -- but dang, if it doens't tick me off to be told that my (and everyone else's) motivations for reading your posts, and responding to them are anything less than genuine and sincere. I really think you know better Carrie.
Accept that this relationship is not meant to be. Give yourself some time to grieve. Then, open your eyes -- take a look, and try to see yourself as others do.
Take care,
Carol