It's Time For A New Life

[mifsit]

I don't have an ipod but try this:

http://www.download.com/iPodBackup/3...ml?tag=lst-0-1

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks Phil but there are no directions on how to do anything. And I keep getting the error message that I need Net Framework 1.14322 and I cant find it anywhere. So I cant install the download.

[mifsit]

hmm, that was the only freebie software I could find. try www.download.com and search for ipod backup, you may have to pay a fee but there's usually a free trial involved too.

[Trying4Thin]

Went to Walmart to get a transmitter for my IPod yesterday. Then I dropped by "my guy's" house for a while. We had fun talking for a few hours and then things went south. (I really thought I had changed; but I am still the same brat I always was.) A lot was said; and I am not going to get into all of it. However; the comments;"You are a good girl and any guy would want to be with you; including me." and "I cant marry you right now;" did come up. Yeah he is still in love with a loser, but I think he does consider me a possibility. He either thinks you want to marry somebody or you dont. I asked if he ever thought about it; and he said he wouldnt tell me if he did because in his mind; thinking about it is still a no answer. I know if this one major thing hadnt happened between us early on in our friendship; then we wouldnt be being punished for it now. (Get your minds out of the gutter!) He thinks that if this hadnt happened; then I wouldnt have the feelings for him that I do now. And he is trying to decide if my feelings for him are real or not. Yes I am a woman and I want to be loved but I am not desperate. I see the way guys notice me now; I dont have to be single. I know that he is my final choice and he doesnt believe me. To me; he is Mr. Wonderful. He said that I could find somebody tomorrow, or he could and then we couldnt be friends anymore. But he never said the option that we would get together. When I brought that to his attention; he said that when he said the other stuff...it was implied. Like I said....long story. Anyway, if he wants to marry me; he will tell me that he wants to talk about it. (Years ago he told this other girl (who doesnt want him), he wanted to marry her; so I know he would tell me.) Until then, he knows how I feel (so why is he still questioning my feelings??), and we are to go on being friends until one of the above options happens. I kept him up late (again) so I offered to help him with something this morning. It went ok. And afterwards we went running. (Ok he went running and I tried). I was able to keep up for the most part. The humidity was heavy, I wasnt wearing my shoes with the orthodics in them, and I am still fat and out of shape. I didnt last long. So in addition to hitting the gym; he is going to help me train to run so we can run together. It is a chance to work on our friendship, and I can get in better shape. But at least he knows that it is a breathing problem with me; and not a muscle thing. My legs didnt give out while I ran. I am really disappointed in my running today. I just couldnt do it. I started off fine...Hopefully tomorrow will be better. He has no interest in the Elliptical; so I have to run. He was impressed with my legs though.
Have picked up some bad habits these past few days due to stress over the pc, my weight, ITunes, and "my guy." I will make these habits go away because I dont want to abandon every good decision I have made so far. No I didnt go off diet. But the mistakes arent good ones either. I should know better. I just have a lot going on in my head right now and I just to make all of it go away. But I cant self medicate with food. So I will most likely go the other route and not eat as much. My appetite today isnt that great. I am just tired, cranky, hurting, and a bunch of I-dont-know-what all rolled into one. Life is supposed to be full of joy and laughter; not like this.

[Trying4Thin]

I am feeling extremely depressed right now. I should be happy since I get to see him again tomorrow. As I said before; my emotions are all over the place. Deep down I know that all I can do is just sit back and wait for him to come to me with his feelings; and continue to work on myself, both inside and out. I know this is hard on him too because he doesnt like to see me hurting. I guess I just have to have faith that this will all work out in the end. I know that he has feelings for me; I can feel it. But there are some things that he cant get over easily and it is going to take time to sort them out in his mind. So on the one hand he doesnt want to be with me; but on the other I know he does and that is why this is so hard for him. If he wanted nothing to do with me; he would never see me again, or contact me again. We are both struggling and hurting and it stinks. He also said he was happy I didnt have a boyfriend so we could still do things together. That statement speaks volumes. When he said last night that I was a good girl and that any guy would want me; including him. I said that he didnt want me, or he would be sitting there with me with his arms around me telling me that. He said he did want me. But a little later said that he didnt mean it that way. How many other ways are there to interpret that statement?? And my staying way late has ruined many nights and mornings for him. (He later said that he was being selfish.) But he does care about me because he was standing there talking to me even though he had to be in bed. At least he has accepted some of the blame for the past stuff we are going through right now. It does take two. But I know that this can be worked out. I refuse to let one bad decision punish us for the rest of our lives. We belong together. And somewhere deep inside of him he knows it too. He wants me to be happy and when I am not; neither is he. I think it hurts him that he cant give me what I want (right now) unless he decides to marry me since he isnt really into the idea of boyfriend and girlfriend. I honestly believe that fate brought us together and has kept us together against all odds. When we first met; I didnt want to have feelings for anyone and he was just looking for a friend temporarily to hang out with I guess because of the "other girl." Well almost three years later; we are still friends. I cant explain it. Anyone else I would have walked away from. But this guy has me by my heart strings. I know there are times he wonders if we will have a future as friends; but I think we are supposed to be more. If we werent; we wouldnt be hurting like this. I realize marraige is a huge decision; but as I have told him on more than one occasion...I am thinking more clearly now than I ever have in my entire life. I have found my one true love; and he says it cant be true love unless it is returned. I think in time it will be.

Well I am going to go to the gym and beat the stuffing out of myself in a last ditch effort to snap out of it. I havent been in over a week, and I missed my weigh in on Weds. I am sure I would have gained anyway. That is the last thing I can tolerate right now. If this is a test to see if I am going to crack; it isnt going to happen. Yes I have been doing a lot of crying the last 24 hours; but it hasnt broken me yet; and it wont. The only thing that could pack a big enough punch would be if he found somebody else; and we were through for forever. But in that case; I would most likely stop eating alltogether because the sight of food would make me sick. I have got to get a handle on my emotions because each time I bring it up; I push myself farther and farther away from him. But when you really love somebody; you cant stop telling them how much you love them and how special they are to you. He has GOT to know my feelings are 100% real.

[mifsit]

I know its not the same thing but you are special to me and everyone else in this forum.

[Trying4Thin]

Well I went to the gym last night and I am definitely feeling it today. Not pain; but stiffness in my quads and glutes. It may have been a combo of the attempt at outside running, and gym workout yesterday. Add that into the mix of me not having moved my lazy butt in 8 days and you've got a great recipe for muscle shake-up. So last night I did an hour on the Elliptical and 45 minutes on the treadmill (a good portion of it being running.) Overall calorie burn was 748 and the fat burn was 50%. Honestly I am surprised. I thought the fat burn would have been much lower because I ran so much, and when I was on the Elliptical I seemed to bypass the Weight Loss Zone and sped right up into the Cardiovascular one. I didnt think I was making good time; but I went over 4 miles in an hour. Treadmill was 2.38 miles I think. Then this morning I ate my 2 LA Lite Bars and went to help "my guy" again out with his morning job. After that; I was so stiff from not having moved that it felt like I hadnt moved in a day. Everything felt stiff. Knowing I was looking at a weigh in today I figured that I would try and "beat the scale" with a little am exercise. It wasnt nearly as hot today; but I was still doing a fair amount of puffing. My lung capacity for outdoor running is awful. And the more he tells me that I am "out of shape," the more determined it makes me to want to kick his ass and prove him wrong. I told him in the car today that the best motivator for me is for somebody to tell me that I cant do something. The old me would have found 500 reasons to agree with that statement. The new me would scoff at the statement and find 500 reasons why I COULD do it; and then just "Git R Done." One of these days I am going to force him to look long and hard at my license picture so he can really get the full effect of how far I have come. He only sees small changes at a time. I however LIVED before I made those changes, and I am LIVING stronger after I have made them. So after I got back from a 22 minute sweat session with him; I checked my stats. 146 calories burned and 45% fat. My maximum heart rate was 164; only 3 bpm out of my range. So I am getting stronger. I know this is going to take a long time to improve on; but I am ready to fight for it. Had a very interesting chat session in the driveway today after said sweat session. I told him that he was wrong about a lot of things and most of which were about me. (He actually agreed with me!!) And then I think I blew him away by what came out of my mouth next. I dont remember what it was that I said, but it was about being positive etc. And that I thought I had changed; but Weds night proved that I am still somewhat of a brat; but other things had changed. I am sure he was wondering; "Ok where is the Carrie I have known and what have you done with her? Please let the new one stay instead." Today I stood in front of him taller and stronger than I think I ever have in almost 3 years. Yeah, he has been really wrong about me...and I think only now is he beginning to realize it. This isnt over yet. Not by a long shot. Guess what; he is going to kick my ass again tomorrow...
So off to the weigh in. It was a bad week all around, foodwise, emotionally, physically, and pms as well. I was dreading the scale. But I got on the scale and all I saw were the numbers going up and I was preparing myself for the worst. Then I hear the manager say; "Carrie you have lost almost two pounds!" I leaned over and almost fell off the scale. I went from 153.2 to 151.4 pounds. Guess working out before getting weighed in helps. It wasnt until I got home that I realized I was still wearing my heart monitor strap. Maybe I could have done an even 2 without it; but I dont care. I will take 1.8 any day of the week and twice on Tuesday. So now I have two whole days to beat myself up again before I face the scale on Monday. Maybe I will be rewarded this week by hitting a new group of numbers. Here's hoping that this will be the last time I say, "This is the week I hit the 140's and leave the category of Obesity forever." Because at the bottom of the 140's is most likely what I came to Ohio weighing. Only 31.4 pounds until I hit my ultimate goal. Then everything in my life as I know it will change; because I got off my ass and made it happen.

[Trying4Thin]

When am I ever going to learn? Two steps forward; two steps back. Once a brat; always a brat. I cant even begin to explain what happened today. Guess I will be training myself from now on. Once again; I ruin everything I touch....

Missed the gym last night because I thought they closed at 11. It was 10 and I didnt get up until 9. Missed this morning because I went to help "my guy" again. (HUGE MISTAKE). Then I had to get screws to attatch my new license plates. Cant go this afternoon because I overheard a co-worker call off last night (while getting next week's schedule) because his wife had to be admitted to the ER with chest pains. So I said I would take the shift even though I am off. Then the gym closes tonight at 6pm. This gym has the most ridiculous hours ever.

I have to find some way to keep my mouth shut around "my guy" or I can kiss my chances with him goodbye. Right now I have none anyway. He said if I could be happy and not be so serious about bf and gf stuff (and not bring it up) then he would probably go out with me (for fun because it is just a label). But it would mean that he did like me and there was a chance for something more after that. Well what happened today was not my fault. We were joking around and he took it too far. I should have let it go but I couldnt. So I am guessing my phone wont ring on Sunday for us to train together on Monday. He even said that Thurs and Friday went well (and part of today too) and he was looking forward to seeing me Friday, and he was kinda surprised. He wasnt looking forward to seeing me today because "he knows how I am." I can only be good for so long. But I took 2 steps forward and then two back. I admit I have caused a few arguements; but this one was all him. Yes I am pushing away the thing I want most by talking about it to him. Well I am not going to apologize for getting my feelings hurt. And he thought I knew it was a joke. I knew part of it was a joke...Now I am the joke instead.

[Missy]

Hey Carrie, just wanted to say that I haven't posted to your journal in awhile because I never know what to say, I don't think that there is anything that I can say that will make things better for you. I just wanted to tell you that I do read all of your posts and am thinking about you. I know the whole issue with your guy has been very stressful on you and I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. I just hope that things work out for you and if they don't work out, I just want to know that you'll be okay.

I'm glad to hear that your computer is at least back up and running. I also wanted to give you a big congratulations on your recent weight loss! You'll get to where you want to be soon enough and they key is to just keep going and never give up. I know how frustrating it can be to work your butt off and not see those numbers drop, but keep going strong and you'll make it there.

[Trying4Thin]

Life is about choices; how you choose will ultimately decide your future. Every choice comes with consequences (positive or negative). Choose wisely.

For the past 24 hours I have felt like &^(*. All I have wanted to do was sleep. All I have been able to do is either sleep, cry, or think about things that make me want to quit doing what I am doing. What choices do I have?

(A) Keep up with the sleeping, crying, and overall destructive behavior

(B) Eat 3,000 plus calories worth of junk food

(C) Go to the gym and fight for my happiness, my goal weight/ health, inner/outter strength, confidence levels and my (possible) future relationship chances

Well today I chose option "C". I did a circuit of the Elliptical Stepper, Treadmill, and back to the Elliptical Stepper. I wanted to do the Crosstrainer last; but it was being used and I didnt want to waste time waiting. Total workout time was 3 hours and 7 minutes. Total calories burned was 1,407...(Damn!) Total fat burn was 45%. Covered 12.71 miles total. I am wondering what this is going to do for my weigh in tomorrow. If it doesnt show up tomorrow; it definitely will Weds or Friday.

Now I am going to go drown myself in the bathtub and take a nap. Tomorrow I most likely will not be able to crawl out of bed because my quads and glutes are going to wage war on me. Too bad I am driving a very early bus run tomorrow. Should have taken 2 weeks off...Then again; maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

~Carrie