It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

I am writing this entry in hopes that I can allow dinner to settle and my craving for something sweet will go away. I think I might have gone over a little on my calories today, but I am not too concerned because everything I ate was healthy. I go back to work tomorrow after having a week off due to flunking an eye exam. My field requires 20/20 vision and at the time I took the test I was 20/50. I am going to be relieved to go back just for the simple reason that I wont feel like such a slug anymore. I really have to start jumping on the cardio bandwagon again. I have really been slacking in that department. I know my weight wont go away with just good eating habits alone. This is a total lifestyle change, and I cant forget that. I think part of me is still freaked out about the future. I am scared that everything will be different (the way people treat me, opportunities I will now have etc), and I am scared that it will also bring out the superficial people, and I wont be able to tell the honest few from the insincere ones. I guess the only way to face the future is to get there. I promise to no longer be a roadblock in my successes and future happiness. I promise to be the best "me" I can be. And if people dont like it, then tough. It really amazes me how much insight I can get from a single journal entry. I think this has been the best journal I have ever written because I am being completely honest with myself. Sure it helps that others are reading and commenting on it, but I have come to some realizations about myself that I never thought of before. For the first time, I think I have uncovered the real Carrie. Thank you to all of you who have been reading along with me, and sharing in my life. I know I write a lot, but I like having a written log of the conversations I have with myself, it also helps to take my mind off my stomach. Ever notice how many commercials advertising food we are bombarded with when watching the Biggest Loser or any other show? Its no wonder we have difficulty taking our minds off our stomachs. Such a mixed message, I often wonder if society is setting us up to fail, just to make a dollar.

~Carrie

[Big_Girl_Bigger_Heart]

I was talking about that today. I seen a Fridays commerical on four different channels, and it was talking about a 3 course meal for 12.99 or something like that. My first thought was, well hell, it costs me also twice that for meals each day,(The healthy meals) it would just be easier to go out.
I have noticed it's a constant battle. Even in the grocery store...they have the "Health Food" isle on one side, and the cookies on the other side. Not to metion the Fruits and Veggies are surrounded by dips. It drives me nuts to be honest. Who doesn't want to dip their apple in carmel?!
And for the record Carrie, it's always a pleasure to read your comments.
Lady Jami

[Trying4Thin]

Thank you so much for the compliment. You have no idea how great that makes me feel. Sometimes I feel like people may think I am just rambling on about nothing just to hear (well see) myself talk. I admit that most of it is me trying to self talk myself into changing for the better, and another is to see if I can help and encourage those that are offering me help and support. This board has really been instrumental in changing my life this past week. I feel like I have known you guys forever!

~Carrie

[Trying4Thin]

Day 7

Well it has been a week and I have stuck to my no soda/no processed dinners rule. Truthfully, I dont even miss them much anymore. I did make a boo-boo this morning and skipped breakfast, something I hate to do. But I had to be at work at 6:15am and I didnt want to eat at 4am, and then crash by 9am. So I didnt eat until around 12:30pm today. On the bright side, I weighed myself and the scale said 159.9. (-54.1 lbs) I think I only got there because I hadnt eaten in such a long time. I will know the 150's are real when I see them tomorrow. Nevertheless, the scale is going down and I know I am losing because my skin is starting to sag and bunch a little (gross I know). It is making me worry how much loose skin I am going to have to deal with by the time I hit 120. I am also a little depressed because once again, I am alone on Valentine's Day. If that werent bad enough, the guy who I want to be with (his 36th birthday) is today as well. I havent heard from him since Feb 1st, and it hurts like crazy. Well, I am hoping that sooner, rather than later I will be able to call him and tell him I have gotten to my goal weight. I know he wants that for me. Then maybe when I am stronger, we can repair our friendship and possibly start a real relationship. Yes, I am probably just fooling myself, but right now I am willing to tell myself anything positive just to get through the day without crying and going back to all my nasty eating habits. Today was my first day back to work after being off for a week, and I have to admit, I was glad to be back. It felt good to be distracted again and not feel like an apartment slug. So instead of feeling sorry for myself today, after brunch settles I think I am going to take a 6 mile walk/run. This is the first nice day we have had in a long time and I need to get outside before I go bezerk. I have a lot on my mind that I need to push to the back, because I need some uninterrupted "me" time. And my IPod is fattened up and ready to go. I cant remember what I weighed the last time I went to the trail, but I know I am a lot lighter now. I am trying to do positive things for myself now. Of all the days I would most likely binge, this would be the day, and I refuse to sabotage myself again. I just want to feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, and the tunes in my ears. No piece of candy or fast food meal could taste as good as that would feel. I'd rather taste the freedom I feel when I am running, than a cheeseburger any day. The cycle of depression I would be inviting back just isnt worth 2 seconds of yummy. Been there, done that, WONT do it again. Have a good day everyone. I hope to hear from you soon!

Love,
~Carrie

[Widdlecuddles]

Carrie thank you so much for sharing. You are doing so great! what an example you are tro follow!!! )

[thekidsmom]

You are doing so well carrie. You are an inspiration to all of us. And you are not alone today, each and every one of us is with you in spirit and love.

[Big_Girl_Bigger_Heart]

Carrie~
I want you to think about something. Valentines day is a Hallmark holiday, nothing more, nothing less. To me, one day out of the year to show your love is just ignorant. so hun...don't feel sad. You're doing so great, and honestly, when I need that little extra motivation, I keep things you've said in mind.
There is never going to be that "one" cheese burger, or that "one" Krispy Kreme for us. If we give in once, we'll continue to cave when ever we feel sad, and alone. Then, it'll become worse, because we'll feel like failures, and gain it all back, and more. It makes me feel great to hear you being honest though. I just want to know that I'm not the only one who thinks of turning to food still, instead of thinking about a tredmill. In all honesty, I think my addiction to food is turning out to be harder to break then my addiction to cigarettes was. I never thought anything could be harder then quiting smoking. I was wrong!
If you ever need an ear, or just someone to vent to and keep you on track...I'll be more then happy to listen, and cheer you on!
Lady Jami

[Patty_Ann]

Originally Posted by Trying4Thin

Day 3 Continued

Children do learn by example....Where does parental guidance end and self accountability begin? An 11 year old is hardly old enough to fend for themselves.

~Carrie

Carrie...in one of my posts I mentioned my sister and her family. She has a 4 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old son...their daughter is overweight (both parents are obese) and their son is fine. When you mentioned that you wonder where the parental guidance ends and self accountability begins is a good question - it is very obvious that my niece is not responsible for her eating habits. It is so tough seeing her eat b/c I've never seen her eat a healthy meal...they are into quick meals - lunch meat, hotdogs, chips, etc. I believe it is the parent's responsibility in providing healthy meals for their children.

Now for an 11 year old - I have a 10 year old and I feel this is when personal accountability begins (just a little). I believe that it is my responsibility for her to eat healthy meals and healthy snacks, as well as their junk food snacks. I do not allow much junk food but they are allowed to have candy and some pop (not much). My daughter is responsible for choosing a healthy snack over junk food when she gets home from school - she does a very good job at this. BUT I am always there to observe what they are eating.

[Patty_Ann]

Originally Posted by Trying4Thin

Day 4

Woke up this morning and I am feeling lousy. The scale is once again being unkind and I feel fat and bloated. A couple of weeks ago, I hit the 150's and now I am stuck in the mid to low 160's. I thought nixing the diet soda and the prepackaged meals would jumpstart something. Then again, it is that time of the month (sorry guys). And I need to be more diligent in my exercise. One day of hard core exercise doesnt excuse the next few days off. I just wish this nightmare were over already. I am so sick and tired of being fat and alone. I am pushing 31 and feel like I will never get my chance to walk down the aisle. I have backed off "my guy" and I havent heard from him in a while. I know he is busy though. His birthday is Valentine's Day (of all the luck). Thinking of dropping him a card for all the good it will do.
Like Ryan Beason once said, "I feel like a big fat tub of goo."

~Carrie

Carrie...I'm not sure which day you posted this but I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I have been wondering what the scales are going to say when it is the time of the month for me...do we gain much weight during this time? I really hope that you are feeling better now! Take it easy! Remember that consistency equals positive results!

[Patty_Ann]

Originally Posted by Trying4Thin

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys.
Susie, I do have to disagree with you though. I am pretty sure he only wants to hear from me as just a friend. He is currently in love with a girl that wont give him the time of day. Why are all the nice girls always left behind? I admit that I did hurt him because I was stupid, and didnt really know how to act. I have since gotten some insite and I would do anything to get him to love me like I love him. Desperate, I know. But he is my real soulmate...not Josh Holloway. (LOL) I miss him so much and it makes me want to eat. No I am not cheating though. But I want to. The stronger part of me just wants to get to my goal weight and knock his socks off. Not because of how different I will look, but how I have changed my life. Then everyone would look at me differently. If I like myself, then maybe others will too.
I did find a cure for the tears/bingeing though and it wasnt at the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, or a large pizza with extra cheese. I took a bubble bath. My favorite scents are Peach and Vanilla. They smell great and are calorie free. I am sorry for the depressing posts, but I feel so badly right now and writing out my feelings keeps me from getting in the car and heading to the nearest Burger King or Wendy's Drive-Thru. And I am getting a headache. Wonder if it is my new contacts or caffeine withdrawal? Maybe I should rename my journal to Carrie's Soap Opera of Life.
I know that this too shall pass.
Hope to see you all in chat soon!

~Carrie

I'm glad to hear that you found another way to release your stress. Bubble baths are the best! My 2 1/2 year old likes to jump in the tub with me - she'll poke the bubbles saying "Bubble Pop" "Bubble Pop"...it is too cute. It is my time to relax but her doing this just makes me want to laugh away all the stress.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time (boyfriend). If it is meant to be it will happen - give it time! Keep taking care of yourself and you will be able to bloom into an even more beautiful person in and out than what you are now. Keep on smiling!