It's Time For A New Life

[muppet]

Carrie -- you've come such a long way! You should be so proud of yourself, that you didn't just fall back into old habits when your life wasn't going your way.
You are beautiful and special. I think we all know this -- I'm glad you do too!

[mifsit]

Hi Carrie

I know a lot of people here have offered you support and i wish to add mine. You are obviously too good for this guy, if he can't see what a great lady you are then he doesn't deserve to be with you. I feel that in life we should face bad times as well as good.

Please don't let the bad times take you back to a place you do not want to be. You have been there before (as I think we all have) and the journey is difficult enough without starting again.

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks guys....

I am starting to feel a little better. I am going home to visit my family back in MA on Thursday-Sunday. If that leaves management in a lurch, oh well. They obviously feel like they dont need me as part of their management team. I dont feel the need to come into work. I delight in thinking that maybe one of them will be forced to come in at 5:30 am to drive my route, or to come in early on a Saturday. Hehe...I cant wait to see their faces when I turn in my two weeks notice. I think they assume I am going to stay there as an underpaid peon for the rest of my life while I keep trying unsuccessfully to get promoted. No thanks. I am better than that. Let them go circle and go down the drain (eventually they will with business practices like theirs.) Somebody will take them down. Too bad it cant be me. But I cant afford to lose 10 years of referances with them.
I am having a little bit better luck with, "my guy." For some odd reason I called him Sunday just to do something. He said he would think about it and call me back (Sundays are his only entire days off). He also said that the other night he had a dream about me. I could write what I think it means, but I will spare you the pain of having to read that. My entries are usually long winded enough. He said he was surprised because he usually doesnt think about me. (How could he when all he has time to think about is the shrew??) He said all he could see was my face, and that I looked so different, and I looked so beautiful and that he wanted me and he wanted to be with me. I asked him if I looked so different how did he know it was me? I dont remember what he said. But obviously he knew it was me. I have no idea why he told me that, but he knew it would make me happy. He didnt seem unhappy about it himself, he seemed kinda happy. But he doesnt believe in all the stuff about dreams and that what is in your mind and in your heart most ends up in your dreams. He also asked if I was worrying about if anything was going to happen between he and I. I said no, because sooner or later I knew that something was going to happen. He said that he was hoping I would say that I was worrying because then he would know that we would never be together. Not because he didnt want it to happen, but because he likes to know where things are at. But because I said that I wasnt worrying, then he doesnt know what will happen with us. (He thinks worrying is pointless since you cant control that stuff). He laughed and said that I was coming up with all the right answers that day. We have a bond between us, and no amount of junk is going to break that. I do think that we have a good foundation for marraige together. I do know that it isnt my body that is keeping us apart, and it never was. It was my personality. He will say something to set me off, and I am so thin skinned that I let it get to me and fire something back. We both know how to push each other's buttons. I just need to let things rest and not escalate. That is just how he is. I am not saying he is blameless because he knows what hurts me, but I can be the bigger person and not respond to it. I know he wouldnt talk to me like that if we were a couple. (I know you are thinking yeah right.) So he did call me back to say we could do something last night. Twenty minutes later he called back to cancel because he got called into work. OK I was skeptical. But they just got new owners where he is and he said they could call when they needed him. I guess he didnt want to ruffel any feathers. Yeah it hurt that he didnt say that he had plans. Oh well, I crashed 1/2 way through Grey's Anatomy last night anyway and I had to report to work at 5:20 am today so it worked out. Things will work out for us, I just know it. I have to stick to what my heart believes in. I know I am the only one who believes there is any hope for us, but I just know that I will get my happy ending with him.

[Trying4Thin]

Well I guess I am back to where I started with "my guy." I was stupid to think that some silly dream was a possible turning point in his thinking. No I didnt think that he was going to fall for me overnight, but maybe he was going to realize that he could feel something for me without having to be prompted. He said he ment that I looked so different that anyone would want me (I would still have my issues to work through) and that he really wanted to spend time with me. That is not what he said yesterday. He is now not interested in spending time with me, or talking to me unless I start exercising everyday. (I am in the same category as people who drink and do drugs). He doesnt want to be around them. And he guesses that he could spend the day with me on my birthday. Oh how nice of him...It has been almost 3 years and he still doesnt know when my birthday is, even though I have told him a few times. I told him that I didnt want to twist his arm or anything and he said I wasnt. (Yeah right). He still wants to go running with me so he can see how far I can go. Whats the point? He will just make fun of me later on. He says he wants to see me succeed and get everything I want in life. (YEAH RIGHT) I cant do this anymore. I cant win with him. Everyone else is allowed to be fat or whatever, but he goes after me because he says that he likes me and wants me to succeed. I told him I was happy with where I was and he doesnt believe me. I just want to be alone. That way the only one to cut me down is me.

[Missy]

I am sorry to say this because I know how much he means to you. But he sounds like a major asshole. I've dated guys like that and spat them out like garbage. They ruined my life. Get over him. You will be MUCH better off without his jerkish attitude in your life. He won't spend time with you unless you exercise everyday? That is BULL!! Tell him to go find someone else to boss around. I am sorry, but you deserve so much more...you don't need to settle for garbage like him.

[helena]

Hiya Carrie!!
I have been thinking about you alot this weekend!! You sound really angry in your last diary entry, and to be honest i dont blame you!!
Missy is right, you cannot let him put you down like this it is just terrible. It really angers me that he is making you feel horrible, when he should be celebrating with you what you have lost, not telling you to exercise more!!
Carrie, i have not met you and i have not been part of the boards for long but from what i can tell of you, you are a fantastic person and you are probably one of the reasons people keep coming back to the boards as you are always so friendly, replying on peoples journels and offering them advice!!
Please dont let this guy treat you like this you deserve more, honey, you really do!!
take care
big big hugs
helena

[Trying4Thin]

I am not angry. I am just extremely hurt. Although looking like I do, it's no wonder I am alone. But even when I was "normal" nobody wanted me. Some people are just not ment to be in a relationship and I guess I am one of them. I am probably not his type (that is what he said). Well I think I am, but who cares. No matter how much I want this, it isnt going to happen. And he wonders why I couldnt show him any affection in the beginning. Because this stuff happens to me. I fall for him and he doesnt want me like I want him. It didnt take a genius to figure that one out. He said that Sunday he was really looking forward to spending time with me. But he was a little relieved when work called. He said if he had to choose he would have chosen me; that I had the edge. Well he didnt, he chose work. He said that Sunday was one of the first few times he was really looking forward to seeing me; because he thought I was really going somewhere with the exercise. (Because of all the past fighting he wasnt excited about it.) Well in all honesty, I was kicking ass again for a few days. Well I am sorry that I am such a lousy person to spend time with. I am sorry that motivating myself to exercise is difficult for me. I am sorry I am not the (fgjgkgkgjojyyt) that he "fell in love with." I am sorry I used to hate myself. And I am sorry that God let our paths ever cross. I am still trying to figure that out. What about that did God think was a good idea? He knows my track record with guys and now I am more messed up than ever. Or was it to show me that I am never going to click with anyone and I should just give up the idea of being with somebody? So much for being at my goal weight for my birthday. But what does it matter when I have nobody to share it with? It is just another day in my life that I am reminded that I am completely alone. At least I have the Idol Finale. So much for the romantic night that I was dreaming about with him ever happening. And I am most sorry that he is too much of a coward to love me. I think he does, but his precious witch means more to him than I ever will. And that would be scary to give her up. Give what up? They arent even together and never will be. Maybe I should just quit eating until my birthday. (Not altogether, just enough for a drastic loss). Then we will see who looks good.

[mifsit]

Real men can see the person inside and as long as the inside person is beautiful then the outside does not matter as much. My wife is no supermodel but we were friends, then more.

do your work outs, diets and dress up for yourself. being a little selfish isn't so bad. I dress myself up, tie back my hair, trim my goatee all to improve my self image for me.

[littleloser]

Hi Carrie,
I have just read the last page of your journal ( I plan to spend an evening reading the whole thing) and had to write and say how touched I was reading what you have been putting yourself through. It seems to me your self-esteem is so low at the current time that you are allowing this man to treat you like garbage. He is obviously the kind of man who enjoys and gets satisfaction , increasing his own esteem by putting you down. I know it isnt as simple as saying just forget him, because so much of what you think of yourself is wrapped up in what he thinks of you. If a million people told you how great you were , his cruel words would be the only ones you would hear.
A man who loves you doesnt say things to hurt you. Period. A man who loves you doesnt put conditions on it or set ultimatums. This man doesnt love you, he is enjoying the control he has over you.
Until you have built up your self esteem, having him around will not be the answer to anything.
To think you are even considering starving yourself for this jerk is making me angry!!!
He doesnt deserve you, he is a cruel despicable character while you are a caring considerate thoughtful loving person. As for having a man in your life, that is not the only thing that makes your life worthwhile or the only reason to loose weight and make changes to how you look. I am single and have to say it has been the sanest time in my life. I am not closed to the idea of future relationships but I do not measure my lifes worth by it.
No one can make you do what you dont want to do but I really think that for a while atleast this man has to be out of your life. You need to do this for yourself and only for you. Insisting on this relationship while he continues to behave in this way will only lead to more heartache. Yours!
I will read through your journal this weekend.
Take comfort from the support we are all offering on this site.
Take care
Littleloser

[rsmithozark]

It sounds to me like he puts conditions on even being your "friend". Someone who really will love you like you deserve will not put conditions on it. What if he was balding and you told him that you will only hang out with him if he got hair implants. Not really fair is it? I don't want to blast you down because I know we always want what we can't have but I think it is probably time to move on. When you lose the weight for yourself just think how great it will be to see him in a store and having him want you, but perhaps the tables will turn on him then and you won't want him!