It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Something tells me that I am going to sleep quite well tonight. After weeks (who am I kidding?), months of stalling and finding excuses why I couldn't...I finally began pounding the pavement again. I worked out for a little over two hours today and burned almost 900 calories (876 if you want to get technical), and 55% fat. Supposedly the most fat you can burn in a session is 60% so I didn't do too badly. This is the heaviest that I have ever been while doing this trail. So the regained weight, my backpack, and the fact that I hadn't worked out in a while really took their toll, but neither stopped me from getting my miles in. That is all that really matters to me. It wasn't until I hit the 4th mile that I realized I hadn't even thought about Eric, work, or anything else that is usually on my mind. I was too busy taking pictures with my digital camera and listening to my iPod. I have 52 days until I fly home to MA and I want to make the most of them. The hardest thing is taking the first step, or having to take the first step over again. I did that today and will continue to do it until I get to where I want and need to be. When God comes knocking this time, I will be ready. I want to show everyone (myself included) that I can go all the way to 120 lbs. As much as I want to see the looks of shock on everyone's faces, Eric's reaction means the most to me. As much as I do feel for him, I want him to admit that he was wrong about me not being his ideal. I truly believe that I am, it's just impossible to know it under all the excess baggage and insecurities I'm currently carrying around. I need to heal both inside and out before moving on in my life.

[Trying4Thin]

I finally broke my lowest weight point. Hadn't been able to get below 193 no matter what I did. I could regain, but never get below it. There is hope for me to make it to 145 by the time I go home. Not a huge chance, but it is a chance nonetheless and I am going to give it my all. I've been working out daily again and I have started to run again (in spurts.) I have really missed it!! It's incredible that I even CAN run because I have never run at this weight before. So I am stronger than I think. I am going to shoot for a 10 pound week. I have a good chance to make it, although the unwanted guest is here now and that is putting a bit of a monkey wrench in things. Thank God for Pain-Aid or I wouldn't have made it out last night. Still not beating myself up as hard as I would have liked to, but I am working my way back to it. My body does want this weight off again. I guess working out this time will be easier since I have already had the endurance. But now I have the added challenge of the extra weight. Nothing I can't power through.

Was also able to get back into my size M work jacket. It's tight, but I can zip it all the way and fit my keys and 30GB iPod in the pockets. A few weeks ago I couldn't even get the damn thing closed, let alone zip! My work pants also feel a bit looser.

I began the week at 197.8 and I am now walking tall at 191.9 pounds.

Only 46.7 to go to hit my old weight of 145.2
Only 52 to go to hit (goal #2)
Only 71.9 to hit (goal #3 target weight)

[muppet]

Way to go Carrie. I always think the TOM is so much less of a nuisance when I'm working out and eating right. Also, it seems a little easier to take when I have lost weight. It's just another benefit, and motivation for me to keep at it and get this excess weight off.
I've seen health shows where they talk about how the fat infiltrates and marbleizes your liver -- something like that anyway. It makes it harder for your organs to do their jobs. Whenever I see those type of shows where they tell you and show you what having so much extra fat on your body actually does to your body, I really feel motivated to get rid of it and build good solid lean muscle. For me, it's when I focus on what's going on inside my body, instead of how my body looks, that the connection is made and I'm able to actually accomplish something. Of course, it's great to look better too!
Take care and keep up the great work!

[Trying4Thin]

Minorly annoyed right now. I lost 6 pounds this week (since last Sunday) but this morning I "gained" one back. Visitor still hasn't left yet and I decided to skip working out last night. I know it isn't a real regain, but it stresses me out. I think next week things will be back to normal. No I haven't cheated either. Don't think I haven't been tempted to!

I finally realized why I love iTunes so much. THERE ARE NO FOOD COMMERCIALS!!! I can watch Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen and not get hungry, but as soon as the food commercials come on, my stomach starts screaming.

Thank God it's Friday!

[Trying4Thin]

Had A Great Week...

Things went pretty well this week. I am down a few pounds and feel much better. My scale is still being a fat pain in the **** but I was able to see some new numbers and my pants fit better. I have some minor soreness in my calves, but it's nothing I can't handle. It's all exercise related and not from being lazy. I'm still not sure if I am eating enough. Trying to stick to 1200 cals a day and I am usually coming up a little short. Better than overeating I guess.
Went to PetsMart yesterday for a few rabbit supplies. Summit County Animal Control and PAWS were there. I had to avoid the dogs or I am almost positive that I wouldn't have come home alone. I love animals! Also went into the new Kent/Brimfield SuperWal-Mart for the first time. WOW!! So much better than the Kent/Ravenna one. I could actually find things! The prices (for the most part) were awesome and the staff was super helpful. Nothing is worse than rude sales associates. That annoys me to death.
Going to head back to the gym this week to see if I can do more bodily damage. I've been loading up on iTunes stuff so it shouldn't be an issue to keep myself occupied. Now that I have gotten the taste of running back into my blood I don't want to quit.
Still missing Eric a lot but I am making every effort to keep him out of my head for now as I have other things to attend to first.

[susieokla]

Glad you had a good week Carrie, keep up the good work!

[Trying4Thin]

I had a really good weekend and now I am feeling pretty lousy inside. Everything that is going wrong with me at the moment has been brought on by something I said or did. If I hadn't been such an out of control, naive, and whiney little brat I wouldn't be alone right now. If I hadn't let my addiction lead me around on a leash I would have been at my goal weight a long time ago. I did the work and threw it out the window like it didn't matter.
I regret a lot of things that I have done in my life and would do anything to fix them. I can't blame anyone else because they were choices I made and not because I was forced to. I managed to push away the only man I have ever truly loved with all my heart and wanted to spend my life with. I have ruined my body (and possibly my long term health) for the last 14 years with emotional eating & binge eating.
How can I fix this?? How can I make ammends with the person that I love most in this world? How can I get him to understand that it wasn't the real Carrie that he met? She was there some of the time, but for the most part it was the self conscious, scared, and naive part of myself acting on my behalf. How can I get the damn scale to move faster? I have been really really good this week! Or am I doomed to be fat and alone for the rest of my life because of the poor choices that I have made? I want to change damnit! Supposedly when we are looking to God for help with our struggles and see nothing happening; that is when he is working on our behalf.

"When God When?"

[Trying4Thin]

Was 190.5 today and I am kinda upset. I was reaaaaally hoping to hit the 180's today. I don't care if it was 189.9, I just wanted out of the 190's. I don't even look close to 190 and it is really annoying. Part of my problem is that I am still consuming under 1,200 cals a day. I can't help it. When I am supposed to eat, I don't want to and when I am not...I'm starving all of a sudden. And I haven't cheated in over a week and a half. I am sick of looking like a whale when I'm not eating like one.

[Trying4Thin]

I was seriously going to start banging my head against the wall if I didn't see some number changes really soon. Today I finally got what I have been praying for. I am out of the 190's!! I don't think I have been below them since last year sometime. I think I was in the high 170's when I began the pills which started this whole friggen mess in the first place. At this point even getting to my lowest low of 145.2 before I get on a plane June 19th is looking damn near impossible. But to go home in the 150's is a heck of a lot better than the 206 pounds I was not too long ago. Anything I can do now is an improvement over where I was.

[Trying4Thin]

A few days ago I remember sitting right where I am sitting right now and wondering aloud, "When God when?" I got my answer a few days later when my weight went down to a new recent low. (It was back up .5 today but it wasn't because I cheated and I know I can't weigh in everyday so I am not going to get upset over it). I think today was the fluke result and not the lower one because I look much smaller than what my junk scale says. I am still undereating by quite a few hundred calories. (I know I know, not good either) I tend to live at both ends of the spectrum as far as eating goes...too much or not enough. Right now there are other things in life that concern me more than food.
Yesterday was one I won't forget...As usual, I spent my 8 work hours driving around in a 206 mile circle jamming to the radio. But Thursday was different because I was also listening to stories of how long the lines were to get a 23 cent pizza at Papa John's. One of my supervisors said he got one and it only took like an hour and a half. WKDD said that during lunchtime lines in certain locations were around 3.5 to 4 hours long. Police were called to direct traffic and everyone was wondering how long supplies would hold out. This stunt made national news. Lines this long only occur during the holidays when hot items like Tickle Me Elmo, XBOX, and Cabbage Patch Kids hit the shelves. The last time I was in a line like that, I was at Logan International Airport with a book in hand. That said, I would have liked to have been there; not for the pizza but to watch these people wait, wait, and wait some more. They are either complete morons in PJ's marketing department (for orchestrating the LeBron shirt scam which lead to the boycot of their pizza) or complete genuises. But seeing how unbusy other pizza chains appeared to be yesterday, I'd say that Papa John himself is laughing all the way to the bank. But I digress....
It has become a joke between a few passengers and I about how often my phone rings while I am at work. It rings when I get a MySpace comment, emails from certain friends and family members, and regular calls. I missed a credit card payment and now they are calling non-stop which only makes me less eager to talk to them. So when my phone rang yesterday at 5:07 pm I was ready to pick it up and cuss them out. But I was on route and had passengers with me. I still picked it up to look at the caller ID and thought I was seeing things because it wasn't my credit card company. You know that sensation you get in your stomach and legs when you go into total shock? All I can say is that I am glad I was sitting down. I am also glad I didn't hit a tree. Not a minute later the phone rang again and again it wasn't my credit card company...I had just eaten lunch and I almost lost it from the instant butterfly nausea I was now feeling. For somebody who supposedly doesn't have feelings for me, HE called me not once but twice. The last time I emailed him was Tuesday. It was short and I didn't ask him anything. It was in response to something he had written me. The last time I called him I said I didn't want to see him right now, but maybe sometime in the future we could hang out. That was over 2 weeks ago. I have been using this time to really focus on myself and to also let the chips fall where they may without my help. This time they fell in my favor, and on their own. What was so important that he couldn't have emailed me? What was so important that he called twice in the span of 1 minute?? He didn't leave a message and I didn't bother calling him back when I was free because I knew he'd be tied up at work. I still have no idea what he wanted and I could really care less. The point is that for the first time in I can't remember how long, HE picked up the phone and called me first! Which begs the question...if I am so "not his type" why does he still have my number and WHY did he use it?? I will get back to him eventually but for right now I am not going to chase after him. He didn't leave a message, but he had time to dial me a second time, so he did really want to talk to me which would take more time that leaving a message. The point of this is not why, but the fact that he did at all...and right now that is good enough for me. It is a chance to start over again and I am not going to ruin it by asking unnecessary questions or pushing. This time the thought alone was enough because for at least 2 minutes yesterday I can prove he was thinking about me. Which begs the question, how many other times has he thought about me but not called?