It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Finally I am making progress and the scale is moving in the right direction. I am going home June 19th so I have time still to lose more weight and inches. I never want to be this fat ever again. At the rate I was going, I didn't think it was ever going to start coming off again. That's a scary feeling.

[Trying4Thin]

Still making progress which I am grateful for, but my heart is dragging on the inside. I will get there and show everyone (myself included) who I really am. And then I can quit my job and get one that I deserve.

[muppet]

Just for the record -- from what I know of you Carrie, I think you're pretty great!

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks Carol. I needed that. I feel really sh*&&^ right about now.

I am beginning to think that my scale needs a new battery. Some of the people on the show last night looked 10 times bigger than me and weighed less. I can't be packing that much muscle. I haven't seriously used mine in months. I am eating really well and yet I still juggle the same numbers. Lose it one day, gain it right back. I get it, I'm fat! But I am not this fat! I really miss Eric right now and not having him to talk to is really bothering me. I have a lot on my mind at the moment and really miss having him around, at least to talk to. I'm hoping things turn around soon.

Glad Ali won, she deserved it. Who the heck thought it was a good idea to bring Roger back??? Couldn't stand him. Technically he was in the bottom 3 and Mark should have been allowed to return. Not to rain on Ali's parade, but she was voted off in week 4. Kelly is the woman who has lost the most weight staying at the ranch.

Guess Brittney has a lot to think about now....it wasn't impossible for a woman to win. 2 out of 3 finalists were WOMEN! It was her poor attitude that held her back.

I hope Paul gets better. He was missed at the finale. How about the arm guns on Amanda and Mallory?? Very impressive. I love you Bob, but your "weighted team" strategy didn't work out. Congrats to Bernie as well. This truly has been the Season of 1 Pound.

Got an email from Mark the other day and he seems like a really nice guy. I am glad the "real Mark" returned to the ranch and not the guy who was there when the season began. Gaining and losing weight really does affect people's personalities (for better or worse) and that is why I want Eric to give us another chance when this is all over. As many of the contestants proved early on...they hid their true selves behind their weight. When they finally lost it, it was incredible to see their inner transformations as well. EX: Maggie still has weight to lose, but she is a totally different person than when she first stepped foot on campus 15 weeks ago. She has come out of her shell and couldn't be happier. That is what I want that for myself. I know people would be more interested in me then. I hide now to avoid getting hurt again.

[muppet]

Just let that amazing person come out, no matter what size you are. That's why I gave my notice at the Curves where I was working. The owner acted like no one could find happiness unless they reached their goal weight or size. It was just her way of keeping people signed up, and anything that involved making people feel guilty or bad about themselves, I want no part of.
I thought my scale might need a new battery too, awhile back. I hadn't used it for a long time, and it would weigh so inconsistently. I mean, 5 pounds difference, weighing myself 2 times in a row. But now it seems fine. Maybe they need to warm up a little bit, after they have been sitting for awhile. I never looked into a new battery, but I'm wondering if it's not like most things -- you can get a whole new scale for almost the same price as the battery? I don't know, but it seems like that's how these things go.

[Trying4Thin]

McDonald's Strikes again!!

McDonald's Unleashes the Four-Patty Burger - Asylum | For All Mankind

[muppet]

That is completely obscene.

[Trying4Thin]

Order a pizza in 2010? . . .

This is funny, but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality.
Want to know how to order a pizza in 2010?
Click the link and see. . . turn up the volume. . listen closely. . . watch the pointer carefully!

This seems so true, it's frightening!

Click here

http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[Trying4Thin]

I am really quite peeved at the moment. Why do people feel the need to tell you that somebody told them that a few people don't like you? Somebody came up to me today (yeah she had been drinking) and told me another driver told her that he knew of a few people that didn't like me. Gee thanks. She had complimented me. This is not the first time this has happened. Another driver who hadn't even met me told a passenger who happened to be a friend of mine that he heard I was the world's biggest bitch.

1) I am not rude or nasty to somebody unless I am given a reason to be. 2) WTF did I ever do to those people?? Ever since high school I have been an Obsessive Compulsive personality. I re-check things a lot, I try to please everyone even though I know it is pointless to try because some people always find an excuse to bitch. It's really hard for me to know that people don't like me. I am really trying to not care because only God can judge me, but I am still irked. From now on, if you don't like me, I don't care. This is why I keep to myself at work. I don't get it...I get complimented all the fricken time.

[Trying4Thin]

Spoke to Eric yesterday. I called the first time to try and catch up but got the machine. No surprise. I called the second time for something completely unrelated (to see if his parents might want to adopt a really cute Pit/Lab puppy). At first he seemed ok. Then it became pretty obvious that he didn't want to talk to me. And yet I think back to the times he said I was being rude...He didn't say he had to go, but he was very quiet and his answers were short. I know he has gotten my emails, he said he had. And it was pretty obvious that he didn't want to answer them. I mentioned that he was probably very busy and didn't have time to write or he just didn't want to answer me. His response was, "I don't know how you want me to answer that." Well buddy, ya just did. I do want to be friends with him and not see him (right now) and maybe do something later on and he replied with, "I guess so." There has got to be a small part of him that wants me to be in his life still or he would have either hung up on me, or made an excuse why he had to leave. He did neither. Or he could have said no he didn't want to be friends with me. The only thing he said no to was the puppy. Instead I was the one who got frustrated (gracefully), apologized for bothering him and hung up on him. I do know what his problem is. When we spoke last month on the phone it went really well. It was an actual conversation. Then he had emailed me about my progress and I said that I was struggling and that is when the tables turned. Yeah I have his support and he wants me to be happy, but when it comes right down to it, I don't feel I do. "When you get to your goal weight or look presentable, we can hang out again." Fine Eric, I will get there MYSELF, without your help. And for your information, I looked more than presentable at 145. Not that you ever saw me at that weight. I am not a Barbie doll, nor do I want to look like one. What I do know is that there is somebody really special under all this junk that you would be dying to get to know. (I think you always have wanted to and that is why you stayed.) I am sorry she wasn't there 5 years ago when we met, but later is better than never. The small, yet vindictive part of my personality would love to get to goal, have him really want to be with me and then I break his heart like he broke mine. But I can't do that because I am not that person. I am not about revenge. But I do want to see the look on his face when I become that person I have been waiting years to become. I don't think he will be so quick to dismiss me then. I know now that I am going it alone and I am freakin' fine with it. You'll see!


I started the week out on a pretty low note. Hearing the edginess in Eric's voice on Monday really hurt. I keep wishing we could go back to the point where things first started to go off track and stop it. But it isn't possible. Talking about the past only makes things worse. He gets angry and I cry. Instead of just going according to plan, I was speedballing around trying to get to a specific destination before it was time. It was bound to be a huge disaster because relationships aren't supposed to be forced. I felt insecure and turned into a clingy little nightmare. THAT is what ruined us, not my weight. I am convinced if I had just left well enough alone, and been secure in myself, that we would have gotten together. A while back he told me that we probably would have been really close, and probably even dating. But it wasn't all bad times. We did have some really good times together and that is why I have hope for the future. (Ok, the WAY WAY WAY distant future.) I still think we have a chance because we met under such weird circumstances. I think we were brought together by (a higher power) when we needed each other most. But perhaps we just aren't ready for each other yet. And so until we are ready, I am focusing on reinventing myself. I wasn't ready back in '03 like I thought I was. But next time will be different. For years I had prayed to meet the guy I would spend the rest of my life with and when that prayer was answered, I blew it because I wasn't ready. I understand now what I have to do.
Getting back to that conversation with Eric on Monday...It started a chain of events in motion that is going to forever change me. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm not going to get into it now, but I did something today that scared me half to death. (Nothing to do with guys). But I got through it and I am going to do it again tomorrow. In the coming weeks, I may feel comfortable enough to write about it. But for now, I'm just going to note that today I did something that scared me big time and I lived to tell about it. Monday I am also going to do something else that scares me half to death. Most people are known by their distinguishing characteristics. Some people have a wonderful smile, others have flawless skin, and my standout feature is my hair. I get a zillion compliments on it, and it makes me feel good about myself. But like other aspects of my life, it has gotten out of control. The more I struggle with it, the more it knots up and fights back until it eventually it causes a split end. So I have decided to chop it and start over again. This is just another example of how I need to quit living in the past and to start over fresh, leaving all the splits behind. I will most likely drive home and cry afterwards, but in the end it's only hair and it will grow back stronger and healthier. It scares me to do this, but it will end up making ME stronger in the end.