It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Weeks 10 and 11 will be posted sometime this weekend.

[Trying4Thin]

Today is Easter. It's just another day for me while many others go to church, chase after colored Easter Eggs and use the holiday as an excuse to overindulge on Chocolate. To be honest, I hadn't even given it a second thought. I have been scrambling around trying to catch up on my recaps for the past two weeks. This week, (knock on wood) I am going to have some video highlights from the episodes. So for the past hour I have been pointing my digital camera at my tv trying to get some footage. If all goes according to plan, I will be able to upload my video and post it here. It's one thing to write about something, but to actually SEE it unfold is priceless. The sound is coming out great, but there are some issues with lines going across the screen. They are annoying to say the least, but you can see through them. I am really excited about this possible addition to my writing.

Down a little this morning so I am quite happy. I never updated my weight since I blew up again. It was bad, but not nearly what I thought it would have been. It could have been a lot worse, and would have been had I not put my foot down. I've been on the straight and narrow the past few days and it is getting easier. Now if there were just a cure for procrastination!!!!

[Trying4Thin]

I must say that I am in a very good mood. A few weeks ago I was told that I was passed up for a management position because I didn't have enough leadership experience. Um ok whatever...I tried to forewarn the Ops Manager of an issue and he blew me off. Yesterday the Asst Ops Manager called me into her office to speak to me about something I had no idea I was doing wrong. They said I was clocking out early. I was clocking out according to my schedule. Although I clocked out 2 mins early on Monday night. I backed up my story and then proceeded to tell both of them off. I think this time they listened. If not, I will be back in the office again until they do. I wasn't born yesterday, I can think for myself, and I am a good problem solver but I guess I am just a pain to the Ops Manager who has never liked me. Whatever, at least I can be professional, which is more than I can say for him. I'm glad they didn't promote me because I can't work under somebody I have ZERO respect for. I get it, I won't be applying for Road Supe again. Sure they don't play favorites....

As soon as I get this weight off, I will find another job where I am not talked down to and people can see my worth. I have zero complaints on me, I have a great safety record, over 12 years experience, I am self taught on the computer, and I am treated worse than dirt. Go figure...

[Trying4Thin]

Right now I feel awful. Back in March of 2007, Eric wrote himself a note to ask me in 2008 if I had made any progress in getting to my goal. If I had just kept up from last summer, I would have been there by now. Last night I emailed Eric for the first time in just under 2 weeks because I had a question for him, and I wanted to see how things were going. Well he wrote me back, which was great. But he had also found that note and he DID ask. I don't remember what I weighed back in March but I am sure I exceed it now. I said I was struggling and he said that he figured. Should he ask me again next year. I wrote back asking him if he expected me to fail because it hurt. Or was he trying to spur me on. I needed his support in spirit since I knew he wouldn't want to work out with me. And what would he have said if I had gotten to my goal weight. His response was rather enlightening. He said that he would have said, Good for you. (That's it?? BULL!!) He also said he doesn't know what I am going to do, but either way I am fine, and if I can't do it then it isn't the end of the world. That he doesn't use reverse psychology, and of course I can count on his support. He wants to see me happy. I don't know what to make of all that. If he doesnt care about me; why even ask? I miss him very much. He must miss me on some level if he bothered to ask in the first place. But I understand why he can't be around me right now.

A few days ago I found out that my father is having surgery three weeks before I come home at the end of May. Surgery is bad enough, but I found out that he has been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. He said it is contained and not to worry, that he has one of the best surgeons around doing the surgery. I haven't had anyone to talk with about it because Eric isn't around and I don't know if he would want me to call. I have pretty much shut myself away from everyone except my parents. Not having Eric around is lousy enough, but even the thought of losing a parent makes me sick. I am most likely overreacting, but Surgery and Cancer in the same sentence don't make me feel any better.

Tomorrow I am starting to work out again with a co-worker. One of the Road Supes asked me to work out with her during her break. I don't want to wait another year to get healthy. I don't want to waste another birthday being fat and alone because I doubt that Eric will want to be around me on mine. My birthday vacation somehow got messed up and so once again I will be alone.

[Trying4Thin]

Good news and bad news.....

Monday I brought my workout shoes to work so my co-worker and I could work out. She cancelled due to cramps. Tuesday I cancelled because once again, I am sick. I have a nasty head cold. Took today off in an effort to keep it from getting as bad as it did back in January. Good news being that I am down some weight. I don't feel like doing much of anything and my nose is virtually useless right now. Could barely even taste my Raisins and Spice Oatmeal this morning. Too bad, because it is my favorite flavor. At least now I have time to catch up on the two reviews I need to write. Last night's episode was interesting. I really hope Roger is eliminated next week. I really really don't care for him. I already think I know who is going to win, or at least make the finals. But looking ahead, there is going to be a huge twist next week so tune in.

[Trying4Thin]

Today I am peeved at my scale. I finally broke plateau and 2 seconds later it's convinced that I am 3 pounds heavier. Bad week to weigh in since I am still bloated. My scale is a lying piece of machinery.

Tried some Ahi Tuna and Teriyaki Sauce for lunch. Aside from being only 180 calories and 30 grams of protein...it tasted awesome! That's saying a lot since I despise fish. I have also become a huge fan of sweet potato french fries. Yummier and healthier than fast food places. I have to get this crap out of my lungs so I can breathe better. I want to go to the bike and hike trail today but I don't want to get stuck with the "post nasal drip." Walked some at the mall yesterday and I felt like I was huffing and puffing after only a few feet. I am not that out of shape.

[Trying4Thin]

I think I have finally realized why I have to take this journey on my own. I heard a story last night of a man watching a caterpillar struggling inside it’s cocoon during metamorphisis. He (with nothing but good intentions) helped the creature out of his cocoon before it was ready. As a result, it didn’t complete its transformation and returned back to what it was before. It wasn’t ready for it’s new life as something beautiful. Something can’t change before it is really ready and it can’t be forced to change. You can’t achieve full metamorphisis if you don’t go through all the trials and struggles in between. In the event that it does occur, the metamorphisis won’t last long because the good that has happened will be taken for granted and history will repeat itself. I know because I speak from experience. I secretly resented the heck out of a certain person for not helping me as much as he could have with my current struggles. But by NOT helping me, he did me an even larger favor. It’s ok because sooner or later, the end will justify the means. I finally understand that now. Sometimes the hardest lessons we must learn are the ones that are the toughest to live through. I’m finally ready to toss my past behind me and start over again. I no longer hold that grudge because it weakens me. Instead I will use it to power me forward. The past 14 years have been really hard, but I see now that they are shaping me into the woman that I am supposed to become. Yes I am struggling and hurting right now, but in the end it will all be worth it when I see how far I will have come on my own. If you want something to happen, get up and do something about it. Don’t just sit there idly by feeling sorry for yourself while life just passes on. Take control of what you can and let God handle the rest.

[Trying4Thin]

I am really frustrated at the moment. My scale says one thing and then 2 seconds later I am heavier. Plus I don't even believe the number it is saying I am in the first place. I feel like each day I am heavy it is a day that is wasted, and a day that I can't be with my best friend. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him or want to call him and it hurts really badly. It's insanely stupid that it is weight that keeps us apart. But we both want me to be happy, something I am definitlely not at this point in time. But I am honestly more upset about not seeing him than being fat. Yes a real man would accept me as I am and it is a looks based society which sucks, but I think he is more driven by fear than anything else. My weight is just an excuse not to get hurt. But I was scared in the beginning, scared of being hurt and scared of getting to my goal weight. But I am not scared anymore. I just want to get there.

Yesterday I was threatening to quit because I am sick of not being respected or listened to. As soon as this weight is off I will be gone. I deserve better and they can kiss my ass.

[SHUGAL]

I am so sorry that you are feeling frustrated. Just a few weeks ago you made me feel better by reinforcing that "muscle weighs more than fat" - I hope I can do the same.

Is there any other scale you could possible use? Perhaps at your gym?
Supposedly Vitamin Shop has a scale that will give you a print out of a full body analysis, including weight, BMI and Body Fat % for FREE! I have never used it but one of my friends is using it - and says it is very accurate!

and remember...

"As long as you didn't cheat and kept up with your workouts, it is most likely water weight. It isn't a real gain. Frustrating as hell I know. Hang in there. And you could be building muscle too, and that weighs more than fat. But it's leaner so you look smaller and clothes fit better."

[Trying4Thin]

My next vacation was pushed back until the 2nd to last week in June. The last I checked, the time on the clock is still ticking reguardless. Time stops for no one and I have to make progress. I have completely changed my diet, and I am still playing the up and down game with the damn scale. It’s pretty much a mind game with me now. I feel badly about myself if I eat anything, no matter what it is. All I have been eating lately are healthy foods and I still beat myself up about it. I just want to see a new set of numbers instead of of the same depressing ones. I know it isn’t going to happen overnight, but come on already!! I don’t care what the weather is doing this weekend, I am going to force myself to run and it isn’t going to be pleasant. I could really use my best friend right now and he has remained silent since last Monday. Gee I wonder why? Could it be that I wasted yet another year accomplishing absolutely nothing?? The life of an addict is going around in circles and never getting anywhere. Knowing that I have his support is much different from actually feeling it. I know I have it, I just don’t feel it. I want more than anything to show him who I really am and not who I have been, but I am making no progress whatsoever. I can honestly say that I will never forgive myself if I don’t get to my goal weight and at least try to see what could possibly be between us. I think there has always been potential, but there was a huge wall that needed to be knocked down first. It is the physical and emotional one that I put up around myself years ago when I decided that nobody would ever get the chance to hurt me. For the first time in my life I am not scared of my feelings or showing them. What scares me most is never trying. If I get to goal and do reveal the new me, and still nothing happens...then case closed, his loss. But right now it’s me who has something to lose. He claims that he doesn’t care either way if something happens or not. I can see that lie 10 miles off. He just doesn’t want to admit that he has strong feelings too and that they go way beyond friends. Life is a waiting game...When you are ready for something, then you have to wait for somebody else to be ready or they are waiting on you. I think he has been waiting on me all this time.

Not going to use the scale at my gym. I weigh in without my clothes and I can't do that in a public place. My diet is fine, I just need to get back into the exercise again. I think that is what is holding me up. Plus, I have a nasty habit of weighing myself everyday. I guess it is preventitive maintanence in case I need to make changes. I am extra hard on myself because not too long ago I was in the 140's and since then I did have a chance (well 2) to get back on track. I didn't learn my lesson and now I am 50+ pounds heavier. So I am extra angry at myself for quitting in the first place.