It's Time For A New Life

[nahum1_7]

Is Carl Juniors like Hardees? I saw this ad for a cheesesteak hamburger, it was so gross. Alot of the Hardees ads are nasty.

anyway, I loved your post, lots of wise insight into all of this!

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

[Trying4Thin]

I have never been to Carl's before. Only heard if this when the ad came out. Eaten at a Hardees once years ago and I think we were in Florida.

Thanks; I have to focus on nutrition based posts so I can forget how completely miserable I am. If I don't; I will start gaining again. That's what messed me up big time the last two times I was on a roll.

[nahum1_7]

I wish you were closer by, you are in my prayers!

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks Tracey...

Part of me was hoping after I wrote last saturday that he would have at least written something back instead of letting me go without some sort of fight. Maybe he really is a jerk. Maybe he didnt mean it when he was holding me and looking into my eyes. Or maybe he is respecting my space. Maybe he hasnt totally given up on finding that spark again. But I am sure he is just about there.

[nahum1_7]

Put him back in the jar, dont worry or think about what he means. 2 ways to look at this,

1. if it be of God it can not be overthrown..will look up the verse later

2. If its not God's will, you can try and try and only end up more miserable. Worse is that he will allow it to teach you that you can have what you think you want, but its not right because its not what He wants.

good news about number 2....if its not God's will, that means that He has his BEST waiting for you. Read Isaiah 54 if you can, the whole chapter, it always helps me when I feel abandoned and alone.

[Trying4Thin]

How do I figure out which is the one I fall under?

[nahum1_7]

God will show you, remember what you said about things happening in His time?

pray, pray, pray, ask Him to show you, be specific

[Trying4Thin]

The scale is finally starting to move again; (not much) but some is better than none I guess. It's like going through your pockets wanting to find $100 dollars and only coming up with 0.25 cents in pennies. The spare change will eventually get me to my $100 goal; but finding a larger amount at one time will get me there much faster. In the scale of life; pennies do matter and have worth. So you can't discard them as not being good enough. EX: The man who tied up a change machine for hours while turning a truckload of seemingly worthless pennies into thousands of dollars. The littlest "change" can grow enough to make a difference.
It has occurred to me that I am sick and tired of being unhappy about absolutely everything in my life. I'm trying to change things for the positive; but I feel like something is always dragging me down towards failure again. The problem is that I let it drag me down and destroy all the hard work I have done to get there. I don't want to be unhappy; but for the past 13 years it seems like that is what I have been destined to be. I still haven't won the battle with my weight; although I had come close in 2006. I still am in love with a guy who most likely will never return my feelings; so I walked away to try and grow up. And I am still feeling like I haven't accomplished anything in the past lord knows how long. Knowing this; it makes it very difficult to get out of bed each day. It's been over a week now since I wrote that last email to my former friend and I haven't heard anything back. I was hoping that he would have told me not to go and that he missed me. I was hoping that he would say we could try again in the future. I was hoping for something. But I got nothing. Maybe it's better this way because we both need time and space to grow up. Maybe this is just a test of my strength to see if I will sabotage myself once again. Back in '06 when I was really in shape and almost at goal; I swore I'd never go back to where I was. But not long after two rounds of sabotaging myself and here I am once more. I never hit my original huge number; but I became way too close for comfort. What makes it worse is that we are in a "looks first" based society and so nobody I would want to be with bothers with me. You can guess what that leaves me with. A little over four years ago I met somebody who I wasn't really physically attracted to; but he was really nice. And then one night I just looked at him and my heart just dropped and I realized how good looking he really was. I had to get to know him first to really see beyond what I thought I didn't want. And in that moment; somebody who I hadn't thought of as my ideal; became more than that. On the flip side; when it came to letting him get to know me; I put up walls and physically froze. I was so paralized by fear that I couldn't even reach out to hold his hand; unless he reached for mine first. By the time I took my walls down; he had given up trying and I got to feeling desperate. Maybe deep down I knew I had blown it and went to great lengths to try and reverse what I had not done before. My weight and my lack of self confidence had finally done it's worst by taking from me the one person I have ever truly loved and ached to be with. I may not have been able to control how he felt about me; but I could have controlled how I felt about myself. And that would have been the difference in all of this. Being overweight and hurting for so long has made me a very bitter, untrusting, and negative person. He never saw the real me who has ceased to exist since high school. I got part of myself back in 2006; but it wasn't for very long. It wasn't my weight that scared him off; it was the negative things that stemmed from it. If I were to drag out a scale and label one side positive and one side negative; the negative would far outweigh the positive. That's what he got most of the time. Not because I am a negative, whiney bitch..but because it was the self hatred and shame of myself talking. I had to hurt him to pay for all my past hurts so he couldn't hurt me and add to the list. I can't blame him for not wanting to get involved with me. I am one of those people who are overweight and don't act right because they are not happy with themselves and it gets projected onto others. That is why I am so eager to get this weight off and uncover the real me. If I had been myself when I met him back in 2003; and he had still not liked me I would have accepted it. Why would that be different? Because he would have not liked who I really am and NOT the mask I have hidden behind for so long. That is why I have not given up. Because he never got enough face time with the real Carrie. How could he possibly know how he felt? I think that is why he never really stayed out of my life permanently. Because he knows I am not myself and haven't been for some time, and maybe he would like the real me. Maybe each time we took a break I was being given time to find myself so I could come back to him as the right one. And that is why I am so desperate to fix my weight. 1) To reclaim the real me who has been gone for so long. 2) To see if he would really like the real me. Once I know the truth; only then will I be able to put this to rest. Because if in the end the damage is already done; I will still have emerged stronger because I got ME back. Each day I successfully stay on track; I come a step closer to freeing myself from the thing that I thought would be my total undoing. I will not accept defeat this time.
In the course of our lives we are tested. Most are little; and then there are some that will really try and drain our physical strength, will, and courage to keep going. This weight loss and quest to uncover who I am under all the wreakage is mine. It has won so far; but I am strong and I will fight it all the way to the end. I will not give in to my weakness or desire to quit. I will be whole again. I've seen me at my worst for 13 years; now I want to see me at my best for the rest of my years.
"I praise you in this storm."

[Trying4Thin]

Day 7 "Getting To 120" Obstacle 1 Getting To The Gym
Current mood: frustrated

Ok I am fairly peeved right now. I set my alarm to get up at 4:15am so I could get to the gym by 5am. I woke up and my upper back was screaming. I remember trying to motivate myself even in my dreams. My desire is there and my will is equally strong; but I just need to put them into action. So tonight I am going to go to bed early and I will get to the gym even if I have to sleep standing up or in the bathtub. I could start going nights again; but I am not ready to face those people yet. I want to be running before that. The hardest part for most is just getting to the gym; once there, it gets easier. I am one of those people who drags themselves there kicking and screaming and leaves dripping wet and completely spent. I am down a tenth of a pound today. Not much; but it is a tenth less than Monday, so I will take it. I am eager to see what happens to my weight once I begin my regular sweatfests again. "That which does not kill me; will make me stronger." I am convinced that I will get answers this time. The ones I have been looking for.
It's another beautiful day and I have to go to work when I would rather be hiking at the 6 mile trail. At least I will be outside in some sense of the word. And something is better than nothing.
My personal challenge at Weighins.com began today. I can finish it and I will finish it. Enough is enough already.

[Trying4Thin]

Today was not one of my better days foodwise. It was pretty much made up of Matzoh bread with Chili Sauce and some Slim Fast Shakes. But I am running low on food. Weds will be better since I am grocery shopping tonight after I write this.

I am still really ticked I didnt make it to work out this morning. I am feeling all torn up inside from missing Eric and I need to vent on the machines before I go insane.