It's Time For A New Life

[Missy]

Glad you're back, can't wait to hear how you've been

[Trying4Thin]

It's really amazing when I stop to think about it; how much "in denial" I have been in over the past few years. My body tried to tell me, my parents tried to tell me, and maybe on a certain level...Eric tried to tell me. I dont remember when it started but I have been having trouble sleeping. Once in a great while I can sleep through the night. But more annoying than that is the mindless night eating that would occur as a result. So by the time 3pm rolled around every day; I was ready to punch anyone's lights out that even looked at me sideways. If I know something is off kilter with me; I am sure my passengers sense it as well. In addition to that; I had brain fog and my short term memory wasnt great. If I wasnt directly involved in a conversation with a passenger while driving; my brain was all over the place thinking about anything and everything. I could go from happy to enraged in seconds; and yeah I was still crying. I'd either have an appetite worthy of a football player or I didnt eat very much at all. Days I did go to the gym and long stretches when I didnt. Not too long ago I joined another Weighins challenge. I kicked ass for two weeks. I was running everyday and feeling great. I made the mistake of calling Eric and things went south in more ways than one. He told me not to call him again and if I emailed he probably wouldnt write back. I went into another tailspin that I couldnt stop. I had a voice inside of me that would tell me to quit while I was ahead (with Eric or anything else in my life) and I just ignored it even though I knew of the consequences. I procrastinate to the point of no return and then have a panic attack when I cant get stuff done. But the fallout with Eric wasnt all bad. I discovered that I was able to get into my size 10 jeans again and I wore them out in public a few days later. But things just werent the same. Then out of nowhere; (after I had written several tearstained emails) I got a one word response. "Hi." It sounded like he was ready to talk. Later I got a brief email saying he had thought about me the other day when watching a documentary. It is a start and I am backing off the "anything but friends topics." In time the knot of pain I tied around his heart will be undone. But it wont be easy. I just want him back in my life again and I think that was why we met; because we did "connect." I wanted more than anything to wear my size 10's to the concert this weekend. But my night/stress eating was going to kill me. Right before trying them on; I had a brief conversation with G-d. I remember saying something like..."I know I dont deserve it; but I would really like to fit into these pants." And they went on. But it was a compromise because it wasnt without a fight. The entire concert they were digging into my stomach area reminding me that I had sabotaged myself again. Point taken. And from that point on...things began to look up. The concert was incredible, the following day I picked a blueberry just about the size of a quarter, and when I go home in October I am getting a surgery consult (Lypo and Breast Reduction/Augmentation.) On the way to the airport I saw the most incredible rainbow after a horrific storm had passed through the area. (G-d wants us to know that even after the most punishing of storms; the sun will always come back to shine.) A few days before all this; I made an appointment with my doctor for sleeping pills. But the more I turned it over in my head; the more I realized that the sleep was just another side effect of something bigger. Just like my crankiness, uncontrollable tears, brain fog, laziness, being overly arguementative, and obesity...they were symptoms. My Chronic Depression had returned and wasnt about to be silenced this time. So I moved up my appointment to the 10th and I am going back on Zoloft. I dont want to; but I wasted too many precious years ignoring the signs. If I had admitted I needed help sooner; then maybe I could have worked things out with Eric and become his forever girl. I dont blame him for not feeling more for me because I was a monster that I couldnt control. While one part of me would pitch a fit in front of him; the other part of me would keep telling me to stop and I just didnt care to listen. Not until it cost me everything that mattered. But I will get this fixed and I will stand in front of him again a changed woman. And I wont spend anymore time living in a state of excessive fear, paranoia, sadness, anger. I wont let my life live for stress; and I wont let my body be a mirror image of how crappy I feel about myself.

"If you keep looking to the past; you will trip in the present and fall in the future." (Unknown)

If I keep trying to live in the past and not prepping for the future; I will miss out on the wonderful things that are in store for me because I am looking the wrong way. I missed out on Eric; but if G-d grants me a second chance with him...I will make it right.

[Trying4Thin]

Finally got on a different shift and the hours are so much better....12:15pm-8:15pm. No more 1:30-10:30pm. I will miss my passengers (well 99% of them.) The few that supposedly said I was a bitch can jump off a building. But I can get back to working out nights again and that is when I really excelled at my weight loss. I guess I had to put myself first again; even though it hurts because of so many wonderful people I will be leaving behind.

I have recently discovered (within the past month) that my USPS man is totally hot. The last time I saw him was maybe 2 weeks ago. I saw him looking at the back of my car when I was leaving for work. He was coming my way a lot since I rekindled my (pardon the pun) major obsession with Yankee Candles and other EBay transactions. It's all Eric's fault; when I am upset I shop. Anyway; it doesnt hurt to look while Eric is cooling off. Hey; he WAS thinking of me and he TOLD me about it. Plus he told me there was a small spark when he saw me last. Why say something at all if there wasnt something there and he didnt want to work things out?? Argh!!! So...I havent seen this hottie in a while and I hope he wasnt put on a different route. We spoke maybe once or twice when I was flying out the door to beat the time clock. He must think I am a loon or a compulsive shopper; but he said he didnt mind bringing my stuff by. (sigh...) I wanted to leave a note to say thanks for all the extra running he has done for me; but I dont know his name or if it has even been him doing the dropping off because I am usually in the shower or not dressed when the bell rings. I dont want to leave a note for some random USPS guy. I have a feeling it isnt him because I usually see him when I leave; but I havent in quite some time. Oh well. I need to focus on me now anyway; and not men in general.

Hope everyone is doing well. I am trying to get back on the road to recovery; but it is proving to be quite difficult.

[Missy]

Carrie...just wanted to ask about the lipo and such...are you getting it done now or are you not planning on kids? The reason I ask is because if you do decide to have kids later on all the work they do with the lipo will be wasted as your stomach will stretch back out again. I decided I'm waiting until after kids...it would save you having to do it twice?

But..if there's no kids in the future, I'm very happy for you and wish you all the best!

Oh...and I think you should hook up a date with that guy!

[Trying4Thin]

I know all of that. But the way that things are going right now; Eric and I will never be married or even dating. He barely even emails me. But at least there has been some contact. I dont have to worry about ever having children (unless there is a miracle and he decides that I am his forever girl afterall). He is the only guy I have ever wanted them with. I havent seen the other guy in weeks and he probably has a gf anyway. He was just somebody I noticed because Eric wasnt there. When it comes to guys; I am pretty pathetic. I blew my chance with the one guy who I fit perfectly with. At the rate I am going right now; I will be too fat for a consult in October anyway unless I make some big changes. But to be completely honest; I dont give a rat's ass about anything anymore. All I attract are freaks anyway. I acted like a little bitch and now I have to accept the consequences of my actions. But I have been single and alone for years so it's not like it's anything new.

[Missy]

Well, I still don't think you should completely close yourself off to the possibility...life has a habit of taking weird turns.

[Trying4Thin]

Close myself off to the possibility of what? Eric changing his mind? I want that more than anything but I think Hell will freeze over first.

[Missy]

No, I just meant to the possibility of kids in your future. Doesn't mean it has to be with Eric.

[Trying4Thin]

I dont think that is going to happen. I am guy repelent; or a loser magnet. After Eric; I have nothing left to give. I am just going to do the stupid thing and wait for him. I want to try and have a solid friendship at the very least. Call me stupid; but I think he does like me somewhere deep down. Or why email me at all? Especially when he said he wouldnt. But unfortunately; there were other obstacles that turned him off. At one point I asked him why he kept me around and he said very quickly that it was because he was hoping I'd change (I think he ment my negative attitude). I responded with "really" and he said no. His initial response was soooo fast it had to have been the truth. Nobody can lie that fast. He said he wished he did like me because then we could hook up. (In a relationship) He told me that he told his own mother that he wished he liked me. I do believe that he really does want to like me but all the fighting in the past just killed it. I am not that bitch anymore. I guess only time will tell. Even my entire MySpace page is pretty much things I wanted to say to him. But I have to learn to do what I couldnt do before...be patient and show grace towards him. I am not going to force this. I saw how he looked into my eyes last and there was something there. It's just hard to get back on track when he isnt around to share things with.

[Trying4Thin]

I will NEVER eat fast food ever again. I just watched; "Fast Food Nation" and it was horrible. Plus the movie was awful. I know I am only one person in an ocean of many; but maybe others will also have the same horrified reaction I did.

I feel very heartbroken today. I wrote Eric a week ago about my trip home. Nothing "non-friends" and I have yet to get a response. And so I continue to wait. It's been one month and a day since we last spoke on the phone. Life sucks without my best friend.