It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Got up early this morning and went to the bank and then the license bureau. I figured that it would be dead in there since it is Saturday. I waited almost an hour in line and was then squeezed for over $100 for my new plates. But at least I LIKE what is on them now. After that I went to Yankee Candle and the manager remembered me from the last time I was in there (about a month ago.) I ended up walking out with more than I wanted; but they werent all for me. Some were going to be part of a Mother's Day present. I was kidding around that I should just get direct deposit there on my checks. And the manager said that they were hiring for Friday and Sat nights. But once again; because of my ridiculous "I cant have a life hours;" I could only do one of those days. She said they were also offering seasonal help and that all employees get 50% off wax products. The pay wouldnt be huge; but it would be fun for me because I like sales and I believe in their product. It looked like she was really interested in me. I did take an application and once I know what my new schedule will be (within the next two months I can get back to them.

Scale was up some today and there really wasnt a reason for it to be; but that is just the dumb scale. All I want is 149.9 (for now). My eating has been really good, so I know I dont have anything to be ashamed of. Found a really cool move for "lovehandles" and I cant wait to try it out. I want curves; the good kind.

It was supposed to be sunny today; but the clouds are rolling in. I actually put on a jacket to go inside the store because it was freezing. That's one thing that takes getting used to when you lose weight, or are in the process of....you get cold much more easily.

[Trying4Thin]

So far the weather is nice today. I called Eric to see if he wanted to go to the park; since Sun is pretty much the only time we are both free. He didnt answer so he either isnt home, or is asleep. I am betting that I wont get a call back. It's ok because I am used to it. It just hurts, that's all. So I will end up doing what I usually do on Sunday...laundry and cleaning my car. Loads of fun. It's supposed to rain the entire time I am home next weekend. I just want to have fun again. I want Eric back in my life as more than just an occasional aquaintance. And I dont want to look at a fat stomach and huge chest anymore. My birthday is going to come and go this week and nothing special will happen. My parents will call on my birthday and that's it. I havent figured out why Eric agreed to do something with me on the 30th. If it's because he really wants to and he misses me; or he just feels like he has to be nice. But if he truly misses me; then why isnt he calling? Like I need to answer that. If I were a guy; I wouldnt want to be with me either. And so I keep waiting for that magical day when Eric will tell me that he loves me. But we all know that day is never going to come.

I squished into a pair of size 10 jeans today (they look awful) and I could care less. I dont have anyone to share that with. And even if they did fit well; there is nobody to go out with so why wear them at all?

[Missy]

Congrats on getting into those jeans, it must have felt really good being able to wear them. I remember when I got into my size 10's...I thought I went to heaven. I'm sure you look amazing in them!

I have never heard of those Yankee candles until you started talking about them and now I seem to see them everywhere!

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks for the comments Missy. I was in those size 10 jeans and almost a size 8 back in October. They looked awful today though. Can anyone say "muffin top?" I am all gutt and chest really. I am trying not to get too depressed about it though. A few years ago I wouldnt have even gotten a leg into those pants. I have a hot pair of black ones (size 8 I think) that I would KILL to wear to the Josh concert in late July and to surprise Eric with. For that I will need a miracle.

Yankee is actually based in MA (my home state) and they are worldwide now. I dont think there is a scent they havent come up with yet. I am being somewhat of a traitor right now because I am burning a chocolate chip cookie one from another company. Surprisingly enough; it is NOT making me hungry. I am too depressed right now to think about food. Food isnt my problem and it shouldnt be used as medication. 12 years of that crap got me to where I was (and am currently.) Eric never called back today. What a huge shocker. Maybe tomorrow. I have to stay positive. It is my birthday this week and maybe ONE of my wishes will come true. But the two things I want most in the world are the impossible. Is it even worth it to try wishing and believing anymore? Probably not or I would have had them by now.

[Missy]

Ugh, I know what you mean about the muffin top thing, I have the same problem with some pants. My chest is almost non-existant since working out..I went from a D to a B...my stomach is where all my fat is. Of course it has to be the place I'm most self-concious about. I would kill to be able to get into a size 8 jeans!! I am really hoping to work hard and be able to wear a size 6 or 8 wedding dress.

[Trying4Thin]

I WISH I could get rid of my chest. It's really the one area where I feel like nothing has changed. And it makes it embarrassing to run/workout in public. I dont really feel big and fat unless I look at myself sitting down. It's just frustrating is all. I was so happy at 145 and I have no clue what the heck I was thinking when I threw it all away. Lesson learned; the hard way. And there is always my 33rd birthday I guess. But honestly, I blame my shift in hours. Not for my eating; but because before I was on nights, I was on a roll. The schedule worked great for me.

Uh what stomach Missy? I dont see one.

Scale said 160.7 this morning. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Since it is supposed to rain the entire time I am home; I guess I will just spend a ton of time at the gym. I will come back from MA in the 140's if it kills me.

[Trying4Thin]

Back to 158.6 I think. Who cares? All I care about is being in the 150's again. As I said before; I will come home in the 140's if it kills me. I really hope I can get off nights soon because they are ruining everything. Work is starting to drive me nuts and right now I feel like I deserve better. So that is going to be my motivation from here on out. If I dont change; nothing else will. I cant get a better job if I dont try and lose this one. I cant have a social life if my hours are messed up. I wont truly love myself unless the rest of the weight comes off. I wont be able to see if I can have a future with Eric if I never get to see him. And the list goes on. Everything hinges on my job and getting this weight off. Once it is off; my life will change for the better. I know I will be a whole new person when this happens. But I have a feeling I am too low on the totem pole to get mornings; so I wil have to make due. This really sucks. I want a life but I am not allowed to have one since I work til 10:30 every night. 5 days a week. I'm just about 32 now; when is it my turn to have a life?

[Trying4Thin]

157.6 and I dont care. I thought things were looking up with Eric and it looks like I am wrong again. He agreed to spend time with me next week but he really isnt looking forward to it; because most of the time we dont have fun together. (Well he doesnt) So he has nothing to go on (that this time will be different). And he doesnt care if we are friends or not anymore. And I was right; he didnt mean it when he said that he missed me, that it ment nothing and he shouldnt have said it. Happy freakin birthday to me. How am I supposed to have fun with him next week when I know full well that he doesnt want to be there? I gave him plenty of outs. This is why I am done with dating for forever. I feel like one big fat ugly pile of junk that only freaks are interested in. Food addiction made me this way and it has ruined my life. I wish my birthday were over already because it's not like it is going to be a special day anyway. Just another day Eric wont call and I will still be huge, ugly, and single. I really dont want to keep this journal anymore. Nothing good ever happens to me anyway. And if it does; I ruin it.

[Trying4Thin]

For those of you who are interested; "Hell's Kitchen" is back for another Season June 4th on FOX.

On a sad note; Season 2's Rachel Brown was found dead in her home this month. Cause of death is unknown and being looked into. She was 41 years old.

[Missy]

Happy Birthday Carrie!