It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Today is a really beautiful day. I feel badly for staying inside, but right now I have so much to do that I dont know where to start. I did get my candles organized; but there is a lot more to do....laundry, the rest of the livingroom, Snoopy's home, etc. I wish things would just stay clean for forever.



I called Eric to see if he wanted to go to the park with me today. He really did want to go; but he did need sleep. He didnt seem tired; but it will most likely hit him later on. Lack of sleep used to hit me hard eventually too. But it did feel good to know that he wanted to go. No I didnt flip out. I told him that I understood. Going into it; I wasnt expecting him to say yes anyway. I will be seeing him soon anyway. I really dont know what is going to happen with us. There are some days where I am sure that he will really "see" me and how special I am; and then there are others that I feel I will be alone without him forever. But I am going to stay positive and keep the right attitude about it. We have to be friends first for a consecutive time before I can even dare to hope that things will ever change between us. The fact that we are still doing things together; or trying to at least gives me hope that he hasnt totally given up on us. Deep down I dont think he wants to. I sure dont. He is the guy I want to go through life with holding my hand.


I am going home in less than two weeks. I am so not ready for this....I just dont want to see EVERYONE just yet. But I want to be in fine form for the Josh concert in late July. Another year; another broken promise to myself about getting the weight off. I have to stop this yoyo-ing.

[Trying4Thin]

Well I wasted a perfectly good day in lieu of cleaning. I had to get a jump on it before I went insane. I am sick of looking at clutter that I no longer need. I will be more relaxed and focused when it is all done. Today I made a huge dent and tomorrow I will continue on. Again I wish I had the week off just for "me" time. I love my job but I think I am just burned out and stressed out. But with the students gone for almost 3 months; life will be a lot easier in that department.


I am really excited about some of the things I found online for my parents as gifts. Chocolate scented candles, a Spiced Apple votive, and some Gingerbread Maple votives for my mother. (Mother's Day) And for my father; Roasted Coffee votives and a cd that he wanted from the Josh Groban open act last tour. As a late Office Warming present; I am going to get them a Yankee Macintosh and Granny Smith Swirl Jar. It should bring back memories of when we went apple picking last October and my father and I were trying to outdo each other for the biggest apple. I think I won...So hopefully I will win all the auctions. EBay is great and evil at the same time. The prices are awesome; but the shipping hurts if you arent careful. I will admit that I am a raging shopaholic. Better than a foodaholic.

Now that I think about it; I really didnt eat that much today because I was either online or cleaning. I have no idea what I weigh; but I am sure that I am not going to like it. I really have to get moving on that because I dont want to get off the Logan Express with my head hanging down in shame. Ok so I am not going to make my birthday goal weight; but I think I can swing it (or darn close) by July 27th. If I were at 135 for the Groban concert; I would be stoked. Progress is progress.

I guess I am still a little worried about the fact that Eric turned me down today. The old me keeps thinking that if he really liked me; he would have gone. He sounded like he wanted to; but I told him that I understood and didnt need an excuse. I didnt ask him if he got my last email either. If he wants to answer he will. His responses are still short and to the point; but they are more frequent and that counts for something. Although he didnt sound overjoyed when I called this morning. Worrying and being insecure is what got me into trouble the first time around and so I just have to "shut it" and put those feelings into a jar and up on a shelf where I cant reach them in hopes that G-d will answer. But I know the second I look into his eyes on the 30th I will be lost again. I wish I didnt like him period. But it's out of my hands. He has been "chosen" for me and I have to see this through.

[Trying4Thin]

It was a relief to wake up this moring knowing that I didnt totally blow another weekend by doing absolutely nothing. Got a lot of cleaning done and I got laundry done too. Again with the house example; if you let things slide within your house; the work will add up. If you let things slide within your body; then you will gain weight. Simple enough. I want to get back to the place where I feel good about myself again. I dont want to have to worry about looking fat in public or in pictures. There are times when I honestly think I am being spared my true reflection in the mirror. When I look at myself in the mirror at home; I am starting to like myself again and I can see all that I have accomplished. But then somebody will take a picture of me at work; or I will see my reflection at work and I feel like I am at 214 again. Why cant I see my "home" reflection all the time? Why cant others?

So I am now sitting at 162.1 which isnt too terrible. If I could somehow lose 12.2 pounds (enough to hit 149.9) I will be happy. But time is short and my body does what it wants to; not what I tell it to, or wish it would do.

Just had an Egg Beater and Salsa scramble this morning and now I feel stuffed. Very low calorie and a good source of protein. Plus the salsa makes me gulp more water so I get full faster. These next few days are all about choices; the right ones vs the wrong ones can make or break me. One good thing about EBay is that I am low on cash again; so it will be harder to "treat" myself. The last time I ate just what I had; I lost quite a bit in a short amount of time. Glad there is a positive side effect to all my crazy net spending. Plus, I cant stress enough how retail therapy helps my overall state of mind. It takes my mind off food and my stomach; even if what I am looking at has something to do with food. (Like fruit scented candles etc.) but now the mere suggestion of it doesnt even bother me. It does get easier with time.

[Trying4Thin]

Ok I am having a panic attack right now. A few months ago I bought some Salmon Burgers but I had no clue what to do with them. Well today I am going to try them. There are no real solid cooking directions on the box except to not thaw or overcook. I hope I dont mess this up. I guess it will be the same as the first time I tried the Spicy Thai Chili Tuna...either really awesome, or terrible. Guess I can always douse it in No Salt Ketchup and still come out ahead of the game (vs a regular "fat" food burger.) Looks like there are also onions added to the patties. I just dont want to taste fishy; that's all. So far they smell pretty decent.

They were nasty despite smelling good. So I had a small amount of Vegetarian Chili instead.

[Trying4Thin]

I am so sick of getting hugged or touched by male passengers; or hit on. It makes me sick to my stomach. Not to mention uncomfortable. One guy came up and grabbed me around the neck and he's married. I wanted to ask him where his wife was. The next time somebody touches me; they will get slugged. Oops; my fist accidently collided with your face...I'm so sorry. Tonight I turned somebody down and I felt really badly about it; because he is a nice guy; but I dont cross that line. He is also MUCH older than I am. I am not losing weight to get all this attention from guys that I dont want. Makes me want to go inhale a large pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese. Maybe a milkshake too; for added blubber.

I have got to get away from work because it is wearing me out. I need another "Mental Health" day or I will go nuts.

[Trying4Thin]

You guys are probably going to wretch when I tell you what I ate for breakfast this morning and again for lunch. I dont know where the idea came from...but I had egg beaters with lentils, black pepper and ketchup. 100% fat free, low calorie, and very high protein content. It was surprisingly filling.

Weight is down to 161.1 now. So only 11.9 to go until I crack into the 140's. Worst case scenario being that I go home somewhere in the 150's. Considering where I was not too long ago; that is a blessing. But I wont breathe easy again until I hit 145.2.

I am hoping to hear from Eric today; but the weather is awesome once again and I am doubting that I wont. It hurts; but I will live. I really really miss him. I have got to get back on day shift. (For my own sanity's sake).

[Trying4Thin]

I am so burned out that I was begging dispatch to suspend me today. They laughed at me and told me I wouldnt get paid. So I said I would call off sick. One passenger who I really really cant tolerate mentioned something about babies and followed it with; "But Carrie isnt." (pregnant) I almost stopped the bus and threw her off. I have wanted a baby for years (at the rate I am going I never will have one) and it just struck a nerve. The great thing about FT is the benefits and sick time; the bad thing is that they pretty much "own me." So I cant call off whenever I feel like it. All these years of driving are starting to take their toll. Working mornings were perfect because then I had the rest of the day to do whatever I wanted. Now everything else in my life is suffering because of these silly hours. It is been so incredibly long since I have actually had fun with another person that I have forgotten what it is like. Nothing from Eric today either.

[Trying4Thin]

Down to 159.5 and I still feel like I am the size of a nurse whale. Only 9.6 pounds until I hit the 140's again. It's a stretch; but I think I can get it done. 8 days until my birthday and I am not looking forward to it at all. It will be just another day spent at work and fat. Last night I had thoughts of suspending this journal again because I feel extremely stressed out, depressed and bitter right now. I am sick and tired of seeing other people have their dreams come true and mine just fall flat. I have nothing positive to say anymore and I dont like that. I really hope that it isnt G-d's plan to leave me single and alone the rest of my life. Because if it is; then why was Eric brought into my life and why has he stayed so long? "Just friends" dont last almost 4 years. I am sick of having my heart broken. I'm getting to the point where I dont want to be near anyone because I always get hurt in the process if I am me. That's why I was so unable to open up to Eric in the beginning when it really mattered. Having too much hurt in the past only brings more hurt in the future. I'm wondering if this cycle from hell will always be there. Or maybe I will get to hear the words I have always wanted to hear from Eric (and have him really mean them and not just as a friend.) I have a lot more to offer him than friendship. But having still 39.5 pounds of anger and sadness left to shed is killing me.

[Trying4Thin]

VS

Down to 159 again. Only 13.8 and then I will be where I was back in October. Only 9.1 until I crack the 140's again. I dont have to be 145.2 when I go home; but the 140's would mean a lot to me. Since I got so much done last weekend; I think I am going to make this weekend FOR ME. Time is of the essence. I had a huge breakthrough in my thinking yesterday while at work. It got to the point where I was just in a foul mood yesterday because of a lot of things just piling up. So; I happened to be driving past McDonalds and I had a moment where I just felt like having a Mike Spurlock moment and just felt like stuffing a bunch of fries in my mouth and caring. Then out of nowhere; came the scent of fried fat and I almost felt sick. All of a sudden it all became clear to me that I had had my official turning point. I remember thinking that fries werent what I wanted. What I really wanted was to go running because that was when I was happiest and it gave me a feeling of complete freedom and accomplishment. Like I told Eric in an email; it was never food/weight loss being the problem. It was the self medication for emotional issues that fueled my addiction. Food was merely a symptom for a much greater issue. Somebody once said on here that if food wasnt the problem; it shouldnt be the solution. I couldnt have said it better myself. Because if food really were my main issue; I never would have lost almost 70 pounds a few months ago. Right now I am at an even 55 gone and 39 to go.

What the hell is wrong with America?????????? Did anyone see Idol last night? Not to take anything away from Blake cuz I love him; but that was BOGUS!!!! If anything; I figured the twist would be Jordin sent packing. Idol will lose many a fan because of the crap that happened this season. Elliot Yamin gave a great performance; but his hair needed styling. I kinda wish Simon had gone on one of his rampages; because it would have been appropriate last night...again; no disrespect to Blake or Jordin because all three will be signed. Bottom line; it is still a reality show that has gone too far. My mother is peeved over the Dancing With the Stars show too. We both want Ahnton Apollo Ohno to win; but she thinks they have set up Ali to win with all the extra publicity and her comment about having "bad knees." Joey F has a dancing backround and that isnt fair either. Ohno all the way!!!

[Trying4Thin]

Thank the lord it is Friday...I am on the verge of going nuts at work. I NEED a vacation; a real one, not just a weekend. I was borderline rude to a client yesterday and I feel badly; but I just want to be left alone on my breaks. I dont even remember the last decent amount of time off I had. I think it may have been last summer. Way too long. I am not going to make it until the end of December. I should have called off sick yesterday; but it would have been a little too obvious. Plus, if I really do get sick; I will need the paid time off. At least today is payday. That is one thing to be grateful for.

Got on the scale this morning and it said 157. Two seconds later it was 159.2 but it is way earlier than I normally weigh myself so I will hold off a little while. As I said before; I am going to make this weekend 110% about me. I am not going to think about work or anything else that stresses me out. No rain until next week; so I am going to take full advantage.

I figured out how to make a musical slide show on my Ipod and it looks so cool. I need to keep that with me for whenever I get stressed out and cranky. Plus all the time I spent working on it; kept me focused and not hungry. (Even if I was using a food image.)

Going back to bed for another hour and then it's time to; "show me da money."