It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

I am currently peeved off at AI for voting off Phil last night. LaKisha has had a rough couple of weeks and Phil has gotten better by leaps and bounds. My prediction is LaKisha says goodbye next week unless Blake really messes up.

I wrote Eric a short email today and then sent him a link to an Elliot Yamin video. It really is a nice video to accompany a beautiful song. A few minutes later I had a response; but he didnt mention the video so I dont think he had seen it yet. Things are getting better; but my weight isnt. Looking at myself sitting down I look like I weigh 200 pounds. I cant meet his parents like this. I guess I hope that my new 'tude will be enough for him since he claims the reason why he didnt like me wasnt my looks. But there is still time to change before we meet again. We are talking; I mean really talking and I cant ask for more than that. I wish he told me he missed me today. But he wrote and that made me smile big time. That is what got me through today. I got crazy busy again at work and traffic was a "witch."

YouTube - Elliott Yamin-Wait For You

[Trying4Thin]

I am so glad it is the weekend; but I wish they were 3 days long instead of 2. It seems like as soon as I finally get unwound; it is Sunday night already. Yesterday I caught up on my tv shows for the week that I missed, and got more candles on EBay. I also paid my water, gas, and electric bills (WOOHOO!!), and did a little grocery shopping. I havent been that great the past few days and I am really starting to regret it. My trip home is getting closer and so is my day with Eric. What have I done???

My car is going to get the full treatment today since it is warm and sunny out. No chance of rain until Weds. Black cars are horrible to keep clean because everything just shows up on them. Dirt, dust, pollen, and scratches. But my car is pretty much the closest thing I have to a kid and so I take great care of it. Tried to schedule some usual maintanence for it in June; but Goodyear cant set appointments that far in advance; soooo I have to wait until the week before to schedule. I thought thinking ahead and being organized was supposed to be a GOOD thing? I really am trying to be more responsible now. Makes life less stressful. The only thing left to do now is CLEAN!

Work this past week was awful with all the damn drama going on. I made myself so stressed out; I got a headache. But my health and wellness are more important than whatever crap is tossed at me and I have to just say; "the hell with it" and move on instead of getting my heart involved. I dont consider my passengers as passengers. I consider them a refrigerator. (Huh? what did she say??) Did you ever hear the saying that life is like a refrigerator? Whatever you put into it; is exactly what you get out of it. Well that is the same metaphore that I extend to my passengers. If you are nice to them and treat them with respect; that is exactly what you will get in return (99% of the time.) I usually see benefits tenfold. Many of these people dont have much in their lives and I do what I can to help; even if I break policy to do it. Call me a superhero of sorts. If I see something wrong with the treatment of one of my passengers; I will stand up for them, no matter who it is mistreating them. However; there is approx 1% that I wont lift a finger to help for other reasons. My latest thing is to bring in my huge collection of scented lotions and put them on some of my passengers. They love it. I have a passion with scented lotions and I want to share it with others. I gave a small tube of my favorite scent to a regular rider and she was thrilled. Giving to others gives me joy. My other favorite scent is one that glitters when you are in the sunshine. Ilike to call it Carrie's Princess Potion. There is a direct relationship between how you treat others and how you treat yourself. Although a lot of the time I treat others better than I treat myself. Sure I could go to work and be rude to my passengers or ignore them; but I dont. Some I try not to talk to because they creep me out. But overall, I have had great passengers in all my years on the road. I find it ironic that the ones that I was warned about; never really gave me a problem. I guess it is true what the song says..."You only get what you give." So I provide a safe trip and usually a good laugh or two. Sometimes eight. What society has forgotten is that everyone different has something different to offer. Anyone who is quick to write off elderly people doesnt know what they are missing. Some of them tell the BEST jokes I have ever heard. The ones that make ME blush...I think I have gone way off course with this post....But in any event I do feel better.

I bought Eric a belated X-mas/birthday present. He is a huge UConn Huskies Women's Basketball fan; so I got him 2 Huskies throw pillows for his couch or wherever. It was really weird...Back when we first met I didnt know he was a Huskies fan. I was in WalMart and saw a really cute navy blue Huskies shirt and bought it. I love navy blue. I put it on and went to his house and discovered he was this huge fan. He and I found a nice UConn jersey that he bought a while back and looks very hot in. Just another (in a very long list of) weird coincidences between he and I. So I am sure he will like them. If he doesnt; I'll keep them. I think I will also burn him a cd from my latest ITunes downloads. I can say for sure that the next time I see him that I will be all smiles. But as of right now; I feel like waiting another month. Because once again; food got in the way. When you put junk in your body; that is what you will get out of it. But my overall outlook and attitude on life has changed. I was flipping through channels on Friday and saw a lecture on "Attitudes." Might have well had my name on it. I learned a lot. Attitude is EVERYTHING people. It can make you or break you. I forgot who said it but the quote was something like; "Stop focusing on what you cannot do and focus on what you can do instead." Then again you never know what you can do if you dont at least try. Too often we shut ourselves down before even trying.

"A warrior doesnt give up what he loves; he finds the love in what he does." (From the new film "Peaceful Warrior") Movie trailer below...

YouTube - Movie Trailer- Peaceful Warrior

Now if you will excuse me; there is a pollen covered Corolla S needing a bath and a shine....

[Trying4Thin]

I was messing around with the new html stuff on this site. I finally understand Photobucket!!

[Trying4Thin]

So I attempted to do my laundry at 3am and discovered that all 4 washers are broken. Two were half full with water; and the other two were stuck with digital errors. This is completely ridiculous. So now I have to wait until 7:30 to drive somewhere and do it. I am not pleased right now.

I did get my car totally detailed (washed all the gl**** vacumed the interior, armoral on the dash and doors, and a full scrubdown). Hopefully it will last a while. Nothing like a clean set of wheels.

I am very tired right now and I need some sleep. I have a lot on my mind though. Should I cancel Eric or not? Why did he feel the need to tell me he missed me when not too long before that he said he thought we didnt have a chance? were those his true feelings? Has he given up on us, or not? Will I ever conquer my stinkin' food addiction? The list goes on....

[Missy]

No, you don't cancel the plans with Eric...he obviously wants to see you so take the chance when it's there. Stop worrying so much about how you look, he asked you didn't he?

[Trying4Thin]

I am very tired right now so I am not going to type my usual novel. There are two things in life that I know have hefty consequences..1) Dont drink and drive (I dont even remember when I had my last drink and my job depends on a clean record so I never have and never will drive drunk)...Afterall; look where it got Paris "The Snotty Heiress" and countless others. 2) Dont type tired...once you hit send; you cant take it back. Well on here ya can. But I have read too many articles in Cosmo about people talking trash about a person and the one person who ISNT supposed to see it; ends up seeing it....

I am very confused right now. Not only that; I am hoping I break a bone so I dont have to go home on the 26th. I freakin' did it again and sabotaged myself. Ironically enough; I havent even touched fast food.

I have always said that if somebody dares to tell me that they think I CANT do something; then I will turn around and prove them wrong. Today I was told I probably couldnt play tennis because I couldnt run. If I cant play tennis it is because I havent played in years; not because of my running ability. Newsflash...I used to be very very good at Racquetball. So maybe I would suck at tennis; but care to take me on in a game of racquetball? I just want to scream the quote I heard the other day. Stop focusing on what I cant do and focus on what I can. Then again; if you never give me a chance; how the hell do you know what I can and cant do? My attitude isnt in need of adjusting (FOR ONCE!!) And I can do a hell of a lot more now than back in '03 when I could barely walk!

[Trying4Thin]

I just dont get it.

One minute; the excuse is that we have different schedules and he doesnt have that much time to do things with me. Minutes later; it's that we dont have a lot in common. He thinks I dont like the outdoors, working outside, working out, and that I cant play tennis or go running. He said that it was harder to spend time because we dont have a lot in common. But if I could play tennis or we liked more of the same things that we could spend a lot more time together. We are too different. I dont think friends should be carbon copies of each other. And we DO have a ton in common. When did what we spent time doing together become so important? (as long as we werent fighting?) If I enjoy spending time with somebody; I dont care what we do. Would he have told the other "fatter than me" girls that they couldnt play tennis? Why not give me a chance? Before he said that the reason he didnt like me was because of my attitude. Well my attitude has changed and I no longer bring (us) up anymore. And yet he still feels the need to make excuses about spending time with me. I think the reason why I have lost my "life's mojo" is because I no longer have one. If I want to do anything; it is always by myself. So I just dont want to anymore. There is nobody there to go to the park with, the movies, the gym, the store to window shop. Nobody to talk to when I need a friend, nobody to watch Idol with, or to go to a Josh Groban concert with. I dont have anybody. I havent had a real friend my own age for years. I've been hurt so many times that I just dont want to bother anymore. I dont know why nobody ever wants to spend time with me or ask me out. (Creeps aside.) Yesterday he said that he was really happy with how things were going in his life; and I half jokingly said that it was because I wasnt around. And he responded with something like well yeah. Because we dont like the same things and he considers me more of a "read a book" type of person. Well reading is a solo sport and I dont require a friend to do that with. I asked him again if he still wanted to do something on the 30th because it sounded like he was trying to get out of it. He said something like, "Did I say that? It sounds like you dont want to." I'd be happy to just spend 5 mins with him. I just dont want to see his parents yet. Because I am so embarrassed. I think he is also having a tough time because I cant lose weight, and obviously want to. Well that is part of my mojo problem. I have nobody to make it fun with. When I go to the gym I see tons of couples there. When I go to the park to escape my loneliness; I see couples walking their dog, kids etc and holding hands. And it makes me feel lonelier because when I am there; I just imagine that he is there walking beside me. All I want for my birthday this year is for him to just hold my hand again. I have serious doubts that he ment it when he said that he missed me. If he did miss me; then he would be all about spending time with me and not caring what we did. And so another birthday will come and go; and I will still be here by myself. I dont want anything wrapped up in fancy paper or a bow. I just want him. That's all I have ever wanted. So I am going to try and not act too disappointed when it doesnt happen again this year. It's not like I didnt know that it wouldnt happen. Guys just dont like me. Hell I dont even like me. And I am trying really hard to like myself but I just cant. I catch my reflection and wonder who would ever want to be with me. I could have the best attitude in the world but it still wouldnt change the fact that I cant run or play tennis, or that I am fat. In answer to your question Missy. I asked him to do something on the 30th. Well I must correct myself...I pretty much told him that I would meet his parents on the 30th. That was when I thought for sure I could get this weight off. Why the 30th? Because on the day we had this conversation; it seemed doable to get to the 130's. And I blew it. What a surprise. I think I am going to just show up on the 30th, give him the 2 UConn pillows I got for him and leave. I am sure there are a million things he would rather be doing. He always says if I dont have anything to do and he doesnt have anything to do; then we can do something. Well I NEVER have anything to do. I have seen him once since last July and it is tearing me apart. It has been said that a bad attitude can ruin your life. Well it really ruined mine. And it is most likely too late to change it. The damage has been done. I looks like I am going to carry around 40+ pounds of extra fat and bad attitude for the rest of my life. I resent the day I started choosing food over everything else. Why the hell didnt I take up running instead??

"Thank G-d I'm not where I need to be; but I'm not where I used to be." (Joyce Meyer)

[Trying4Thin]

Well my weight is slowly going back down again. I am sitting at 164 right now. As long as I am in the mid-low 150's by the time I go home; I will be ok. Starting Saturday I am going to start pounding on myself again. The students will be gone for the summer and I will be able to walk around without the fear of being honked/yelled at. That drives me nuts. The weather is supposed to continue to be beautiful; so there will be no excuses not to be outside doing something. People keep telling me how much weight I have lost and it is rather awkward for me because I have gained quite a bit of it back. 18.8 to go before I am where I was in October. I am going to TRY and lose 10 of those pounds by May 25th. Starting tomorrow I am going to force myself to distance run again. I must get my endurance back. If I am lucky; I will be able to run with Eric by Fall for 5 miles.

On Weds I called Eric to continue the conversation from Tuesday night. He didnt answer so I left a message for him to call me back. I dont know why I bother because he never does. So I went to the computer to distract myself. I had my headphones on and didnt even hear the phone ring an hour later. So when I saw that he had called back I was shocked. No message; but it was a small step in the right direction. I am actually glad that I didnt hear the phone because right now our relationship is very fragile and I need to be careful how I phrase things. So I took it as a sign that I needed to go over in my head what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I wrote him an email the other day and I was pretty pleased with it. I said what I wanted to say and I left the extra junk out of it. I ment what I said about keeping the topic of "us" out of our conversations. It is getting easier; but I am still struggling. It's just very difficult when you arent with the one person in the world that you want to be with more than anything. I really wish I were back on days again because that was when everything "just worked." I had more of a chance to see Eric because of our schedules. I could make sure I got to the gym and the equipment I wanted. And now everything is just jumbled. We are going to be getting new routes again soon and I have a feeling that I am going to be stuck on nights again. I like the people and the route; but the time just flat out sucks and doesnt work for me. But I have an excellent benefits plan and so I cant really complain. But I wish it was the way it was before and I could do everything I wanted instead of sleeping half the day away and then having to spend the other half at work. I have to do what is best for me and if that means trying to get back on mornings; I will do it. Even if I hate the new route; I have to put ME first for once.

My Yankee Candle collection is expanding again; and more are on the way. They keep my mind off of everything (my weight, my job, Eric etc.). It is nice to have a pasttime that is so relaxing. I like things that smell nice and Yankee are the best in candles. They even smell good still wrapped and unburned. I am going to get a Roasted Coffee Jar for my father since he is a coffee nut. I havent figured out what scent to get my mother. I got some Chocolate Bar votives in the mail 2 days ago; but they dont smell good enough to impress a die hard choco-holic. For their anniversary I am going to get them a huge variety of tropical votives. I cant afford a trip anywhere; so a scented trip is the next best thing.

Not much else to report.

[Trying4Thin]

I am soooooo tired right now. But it is the weekend and not a moment too soon. I NEED space between certain passengers and myself. Some of them are really starting to rub me the wrong way. I dont appreciate the being touched part or the flirting. But I will not be chased off my route. Plus the majority of the people I deal with are great; it's just a select few that make me wretch.

My brother graduated from Law school today. I didnt even get an invite. He said that it was implied that I was invited. How am I supposed to know if nobody tells me anything? I wouldnt have been able to go anyway on such short notice; but it would have been nice to be asked. He wants me to come out to visit some time next year. I could if I have the time and notice. Full time is tougher to take time off. Although I am not above calling in "sick" since I am actively accumulating sick days.

I wish today were payday since I could use some extra cash. But my bills are paid so it's all good. Two weeks (Saturday) until I go home. I hope my excess fat is ready to scram because now is the time. And 17 days until I see Eric. My emotions are on both sides of the spectrum right now. I want more time; but I want to see my family and Eric very much. But a lot can happen in two weeks time.

[Trying4Thin]

Everyone; meet Winston....

No I didnt go out and buy a puppy today (sigh). He belongs to my brother (the Law School Graduate). I just found out about the puppy last night when my brother and I spoke on the phone. I guess he is part Pomeranian (I dont see it) and part Maltese (THAT part I see).

In honor of my rapidly growing candle collection; I am going to rearrange my livingroom tomorrow. It really looks like a Yankee Store! Smells really great too! I LOVE EBay!!