It's Time For A New Life

[muppet]

Well, I can only speak for myself, but I think I''m not alone here. Most of us who have a 'significant other' have been where you are right now. That is why we can say there will be someone else.
I had what I thought was the love of my life dump me. No other way to say it. It went from -- I love you, will you marry me,.... to.. nevermind!
I went through everything you're going through. I thought for sure if I could just have some time with him, he would want me back. I was miserable for a long time.
Now, I am so thankful he did dump me, because I wouldn't have met the man who is my husband, and father of my children. I don't look at him as 'the man that got away'. He's more like 'the man I almost got stuck with'. He's a great guy-- I have nothing against him, but I know I'm 100% better off with the man I have now.
I'm not trying to be patronizing. I've just been where you are. I think that's why I'm so affected by what you write, because it reminds me of the way I used to feel, many years ago. Time heals. Give it a chance.

[Patty_Ann]

I really do wish the best for you. You have accomplished so much with your weight loss already - 214 to 160 lbs is such inspiration. I understand that you are hurting and that you don't want to bring everyone down...I don't think that you are doing this. I think that you are touching our hearts - I know you have touched mine. All I can say is "Love Yourself First!" Take Care! I hope to see you in here soon.

[Trying4Thin]

Ok it has been a few days since I have last posted and I have had some time to think. Still nothing from management about the upcoming interviews. I am assuming that I will be called in next week some time. My nerves are frazzled trying to figure out what sorts of questions they are going to fire off at me. I am still of the mind that I am a perfect fit for the job, and they would be foolish to pass me up again. I am hoping that they passed me up previously because the two other driving positions I applied for, I was overqualified for, and they had something better in mind, but because of code of conduct they couldnt tell me. But, if I have underestimated them, and they do pass me up again, then I will take it in stride and find a company that will think of me as an asset, and not just an entry level employee. Ten years in a field should be considered "professional level." I will be hurt, angry and insulted if they reject me, but it wont stop me from finding a job with benefits that I deserve, and not one that I am willing to settle for.
I spoke with "my guy" for a couple of hours the other day. Ok I am not what he wants and he cant even think about anything else with me. But what he doesnt realize is that he hasnt seen me in almost 4 months and a lot has changed. I am stronger, more confident, and kinder. I think that if we can get along and I can show him my softer side, he will be more willing to give us a second chance. I dont buy his, "Well we tried it once and it didnt work." If I was the same person that I was back then, I agree, it wouldnt work. But now is a whole different story. I despise the person that I was, and how I treated him with my endless nagging and insecurity. I know that 98% of him is in love with another girl, and 2% is wanting to be with me. If he didnt, he would have gotten rid of me a long time ago. The person that I was, is the complete opposite of what he is looking for, but I plan to show him that when I lost the 50+ pounds, it was 50+ pounds of fat and bad attitude that I shed. He said he thought about calling me last week, but he didnt. I am trying to give him his space, but a part of me is dying because he isnt there. So I called him with a plan to go for a walk or see a movie. Nutshell version...He called me today and asked if I wanted to come over to watch American Idol. We started discussing it over the phone the other day and it was like the old "us" was back. No tension, tears, or yelling. I am going to make sure that I look great tonight, and go over there with the idea that we are going to start over again. He said that I have no idea how much he cares about me, and he would do anything for me, and he will always be comitted to me. (As friends). He also said that I should have faith that if we are supposed to be together, then God will make it happen. Ok so he feels the same way about somebody else, but I know he is wrong about her. I am going to go over there tonight looking good, and feeling confident. I know that the old (before I got fat) me is starting to emerge, and that will make all the difference. Keeping my fingers crossed...If I blow it tonight, I can kiss him goodbye for sure.
I would like to say that I was a complete angel for the past few days, but I havent been. I began eating some tv dinners (after a month of not eating them) and I ended up getting sick. I have put on a few pounds (courtesy of PMS, not exercising, and no portion control). My face is a little fuller and my stomach is a little pudgier. I am not proud of myself, but I will get back on track with my plan. Things have been really nutty here the past two weeks and I realize that isnt an excuse. I have worked so hard to get where I am today (in the low 160's according to my scale), and I dont want that going down the tubes again. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to get back into the game. I will not be defeated.
I get to see Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks, and Ace tonight!!!!!
Dont forget the Biggest Loser Special Edition is on NBC tonight at 8pm. I am going to be taping it.

~Carrie

[Jules]

Carrie,
How did the evening of American Idol go? How are you doing now? I agree with everyone above who has said you've touched our hearts. I'm so glad you haven't left the forums. I think you're a really honest person -and no one is going to be happy all the time. Everyone is on the forums because we need advice, companionship, empathy.

I'm so glad to read you saying positive things about yourself -how much stronger and kinder you are today. I know just what you mean -it's not just food weight we've put on, it's emotional weight. The me of 10 years ago wouldn't recognize the me today and probably wouldn't even be friends with the me of today. I always used to be happy and upbeat and smiling, and now I'm very negative always. I just don't like who I became, physically and especially emotionally. Your journal always inspires me and I hope someday I'll have lost 50 lbs of negativity and weight too. Thanks for everything you've written. Especially thanks for the advice about the party and pie. From now on I'll pose the question to myself -do I want this more than I want to be thin? I also loved the idea of an inner Miss Piggy -I definately have one of those.

I hope everything went well and especially that you're feeling good about yourself and proud of who you are today and all you've accomplished.

[Trying4Thin]

Well I will start start off by saying that I am posting in the right place today. Still a little tired. Didnt sleep much last night. I still have a lot on my mind, and I kept waking up. For those of you that were inquiring on my bad attiude...I am not a mean person, not by a long shot. I am the type of person that, if I like you (as a person, not just a boyfriend etc), I will do anything for you. I am very shy at first, but once I feel comfortable, I dont clam up. My weight gain made me very combative. If I feel threatned, I come out swinging. I would rather hurt somebody first (not physically of course), before they can hurt me. It has not helped me to be this way. I also question things a lot. "My guy" gets annoyed that I question him if we have a chance etc. A lot of that is insecurity, and trying to figure out what he means by what he says. Sometimes he can be very confusing. I will interpret something he says wrong, and he gets upset. So right now I have to quit doing that. He says that if I can become more postive, he would want to be with me/spend more time with me. I dont know what that means. Does he mean as friends or more than friends?? When I ask that, he gets annoyed. He said that we shouldnt talk about it unless he brings it up, and says Carrie what do you think about being boyfriend and girlfriend? So I guess I am going to wait for him to call me again and see what happens. The fact that he said that I should wait until he brings it up leads me to believe that he will bring it up one day. So once again, I have to back off and wait for him. I now think more than ever that he really does want to be with me, and being "in love" with somebody else for so many years who never even cared about him has just been a security blanket for him. But right now he isnt responding to me the way that I would like. But in time, I think that will change. I know many of you think I am nuts, but I now feel that more than ever that this will have a happy ending. He does like that I feel this way about him. But I do drive him nuts. Yesterday, I drove to his house before he left for work to bring over a cd, some fruit bowls, bottled water, and two McDonald's $1 off coupons I got from a salad a while back. He was happy. He told me he hadnt been eating much lately, and some of it was fast food. Ok so he is 5'11 and a beanpole and can get away with it. But I was worried about how he was eating. I guess that is what I mean about wanting to do anything for anyone. I have never let anyone in like him before. I know I can be a pain in the tail, but so can he. But when it is good, it is good between us. I just lose all self control when I am around him. I am not afraid to say how or what I feel. Before that was a problem for me. The thought of being with another guy like that makes me feel physically ill. As far as the first half of the night, the Idol part was great. But after that, I went to say one thing, it was a nice thing, and it was taken out of context and then what came afterwards wasnt part of my plan. It ended up being a kind of rough night. I hate that so much because we both really care for each other. The arguing hurts him too, and since he is so sensitive, he calls for a break. I am hoping he will call me to watch Idol on Tuesday since they are now in the Top 12, but I think I am pushing my luck and it is too soon. Well at least I wont have to dress up, I can just hang out on my couch in my pajamas and watch. I am not going to deny it, I will be wishing that we were together, even if it is just watching the show as friends. As much as I love Idol, I think that my thoughts will be drifting to him instead. So I will just sit back and wait for us to be together. I can just feel that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, but he doesnt feel safe with me and my current "negative attitude" baggage. Unfortunatly, it only takes 12 days to begin and solidify a new habit. Try erasing 12 years of bad habit...Not going to happen overnight. But he knows I am trying, he likes it, and that is all that matters.
I have my interview date...Thursday. I am happy with that spot because I think the people who interview towards the end, are more memorable. I have a feeling that there are a few people talking about me, but I am choosing to ignore it. I asked somebody and they said no. But it is hard to deny it when twice in one day, I walk into a room and everyone quits talking and starts looking at me. At least it isnt because I look like an elephant anymore! Funny work story...How many of you have had to wear a uniform where the proportions of the pants are all wrong? When I first started, I was issued a pair of size 18 pants. As embarrassing as this is....I couldnt even get them up my thighs. In time I was able to wear them. The problem is, the waist is small and the legs are huge. I like to refer to them as, "MC Hammer Pants." Well I changed to a different type of pants (the elastic waist) and I am in a small. Well today, I realized that I didnt have any other pants to wear except for the Hammer Pants. When I was walking into work, I was reminded of why I didnt wear those pants anymore. The crotch was 1/2 way down to my knees and I thought in a few steps that the entire pants would be around my ankles! I had to go around asking if anyone had an extra belt. At one point, I asked 2 guys who were probably over 300 lbs. The one replied..."Nothing that small." That really made me feel good! Even though everyone got a kick out of my perdiciment. One person even reminded me about the kid on Idol who wrapped a cell phone cord around him to keep from losing his pants. A male driver actually gave me his belt for my shift and I used the last hole in the belt. This guy doesnt have a weight problem. Quite exciting.
I have hit some diet speedbumps, but I am going to get myself back into fighting shape. I have had some diet coke and a 1/2 a diet pepsi and some tv dinners and some Lean Pockets (are they really DIET??) And a few other slip ups. But tomorrow is another day. I am not going to let my weight walk me around on a leash. For now, the weight may walk WITH ME, but it will no longer LEAD ME. (Thanks BL for that insight). The one slip up I will never allow is....going back to fast food chains. EVER. With the exception of pizza, and maybe a 100% all veggie sub. No more heart attacks on a bun, with a side order of goo. Time to forgive and move on.
I will eventually catch up with answering all of your journals, I just need some time. I just need to pull the cotton balls out of my head first. Please bear with me. Lastly....I was shocked at Ayla getting booted from AI. I thought she was the All American Girl. The others I pretty much guessed. My picks for the Top 5? No order here...1) Chris, 2) Taylor, 3) Lisa, 4) Mandisa, 5) Kelly, Elliot or Katherine. Just my opinion.

~Carrie

[ehyatt]

I am happy to hear that you are talking to your guy, there seems to be some progress in that area. I know it is hard, but it seems like when you don't act so emotional or try to get too much out of him, he responds better. I know that seems weird, and goes against every part of our female intuition, but play it cool and see what happens. I know it is sooo hard just to sit back and wait because you care for him so much. I think he will come around. I miss talking to ya!! By the way, I won the weight loss competition! Woohoo! I am so stoked!

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Elizabeth. I have missed you and Susie too! Well everyone here who has supported me....You know you are my girls!

DISCLAIMER:

For all of you that dont have a firewall or dont have some sort of virus control on your computer....Do something about it! I have a firewall (McAfee) on my pc and I do weekly virus checks. This week my scan showed I have a virus that was detected in 22 of my files. It is a low grade virus, but in my book...the only good virus there is, is a DEAD one. For those of you who are curious, it is the W95-CTX Virus. I have quarrantined one file, and deleted the rest of the files. I am rerunning the scan and hoping that my work here is done. So far everything is showing as clean. (Knock on wood). Save yourself the stress and possible damage to your pc.

~Carrie

[Trying4Thin]

Hi everyone!

I am going to take a page out of Damzel's Journal and rate my weekend so far. Not Good, Not Bad, But Very UH-GLEEE! I think it has been a combination of things. I have been all over the place emotionally these past few weeks, and I was playing it very strict on my caloric intake and what I put into my mouth. Well I now remember how crappy I felt after eating junk and enough is enough. I think I have forgotten what the inside of my gym looks like. This all ends tomorrow while I can still turn it around. Tomorrow I am going to do everything (or at least get a jump on everything), I have been putting off. Laundry, major apartment cleaning, my car needs a wash, vaccum, and armor all, reaquiainting myself with the treadmill, answering journals, and if I have time....a long bubble bath. I am sick and tired of looking at a mess, yet I have no desire to fix it. I start and then get distracted. Just like with my diet and exercise...I get to a point and then stop. Consistency has always been a problem. That and the fact that my middle name is Procrastinator. I just need to keep busy and maybe I wont have time to wonder if "my guy" will call me to come over on Tuesday for the 2 hour Idol-a-thon. Not to be negative, but I think that call wont come. However, if it does, I will be over the moon. I guess I will just take it one day and a time and back off. I cant blame my weight anymore for my not being with him, it is my attitude and the fact that I cant shut my trap. I dont know why, but this week even with the "words" we did have, I got the feeling that everything will be ok and that we will somehow find a way to be together in the end. So I will just control the things I can exercise control over....like the fact that I really dont want to be a packrat anymore, (I want to be able to have people over again, I am just supersensitive with that stuff). I hate things looking cluttered. I want to start a new fish tank again with some Black Moors. Everyone says their huge google eyes are ugly. I think these fish are extremely friendly. I also spoke to a guy on the phone today about a heart rate monitor. I was told that I was working out all wrong...Going Mac 10 isnt the way to go for fat loss. I am supposed to stay in my target range. Going faster burns carbs and sugar. (Uh I thought that was a good thing). He said that obese people have trouble burning fat because simple cardio often puts their heart rate above the fat burning level. The whole time this guy was talking I was soooo confused. BL had morbidly obese people kicking &*& everyday and they lost fat. I think my father (who suggested I talk to this guy), is going to get me one of the monitors. I will let you guys know how it goes. I have always been one of those people who (if they dont) sweat and work hard at the gym, felt like the workout was a failure. I am always in competition with myself. Maybe the key to fat loss is long hikes with ankle weights like I was doing, and not trying to improve my running endurance. But I do get a certain satisfaction from running and biking over 30 miles in an hour. I mean who wouldnt?? My best day was the one I did over 70 miles on my bike, but it was more than one session over the course of several hours. When all is said and done, I want to be proud of my legs. Maybe I will look hot by the time my birthday rolls around. Oddly enough, the season finale of AI is on my 31st birthday. I would love for "my guy" and I to go out on our first date then. But if that is going to happen, I have a lot of 'tude work to clean up before then. I am also worried because this guy doesnt believe in boyfriend and girlfriend really. It would be just for fun for him (so he says)...He thinks it is just friends until you are comitted (engaged). I doubt he would agree to date me if he didnt feel that there was the possibility that we were going to go all the way and get married. Guys are strange sometimes. No offense ment to any male readers here. But it could also be him being a little protective of himself as well. I cant read his mind and I dont want to drive myself insane trying to. Well I think I am going to watch a movie since tomorrow I am going to be doing 5,000,000 things before the day is over. So much to do and so little time......

"I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like...
~Queen

~Carrie

[Trying4Thin]

Well today is work day. (sigh)....
Didnt get much sleep last night because a thunderstorm ripped through here last night. I didnt even take a nap yesterday and I crashed early. I dont know what to do about my sleep schedule anymore. Before I overslept, and now I am up before the crack of dawn. I consider 6:30am sleeping in now. I think it is having to be up at 4:30am most days of the week that is causing this. By the time Sunday rolls around, it is just another day to get up. I think I am going to motivate myself to get in the shower and then go and suds up my car before another storm hits. Normally I love to wash and vaccum my car, but the skies are looking fairly evil and I am terrified of thunder and lightning. I am talking downright phobic...But I know I will feel better if I do it. Then on to more of the stuff I procrastinated on. I hate feeling so bogged down that I dont know where to start first. Before, I would just bury my head like an ostrich and not do anything at all. That only makes things worse in the end. I need to (no have to) take my mind off things. One of my downfalls is that I overanalyze everything. I think too much. I graduated an English major, I am supposed to read between the lines. Maybe I should have gone into Forensics or been a detective for all the problem solving I try and do. It's only 10am and I want to crawl back into bed!! Time to get moving. The shower calls.

~Carrie

[Trying4Thin]

If at first you dont succeed, try try again. Or in my case....again and again and again....
I think I finally got my location into the Google Map to work. Just waiting for it to show up. Well it has been a humdrum kind of day. I did vaccum my car but couldnt wash it because I didnt have enough quarters and the change machine didnt want my $5 for some reason. Still have laundry to do before work tomorrow, and cleaning. I want so desperatly to pick up the phone and call "my guy" but that wouldnt be backing off now would it? I am dying to see him again. There are times I wish I wasnt so in love with him and that I could turn my feelings off for a while until he came around. But I cant help the way that I am, or how I feel. One day I know that all of this will have been worth it. I feel blessed that I have found him in a potential sea of billions. It isnt supposed to be smooth sailing all the time, and I am willing to take the good with the bad. I saw this quote the other day..."Stormy seas bring us to new beginnings." I honestly believe that to be true. I think I can finally see land ahead, and that I am not going to be lost alone at sea forever like I originally thought. Why this sudden change of heart? Because I NEVER gave up on my dreams. Even when everyone else thought I should. As Robert Frost once said..."Two roads diverged in a wood, and I; I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Sometimes you have to follow the direction of your dreams, even if it means that you have to walk alone for a little while. But we are never completely alone, because there is a guardian angel is watching over us and keeping us safe....always.

~Carrie