It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Day 25

I am at my wits end. Today I am now 160.7, so I have gained 5.2 pounds. I really do not need the added stress of my weight going back up considering all the other stuff I have going on right now between a possible job promotion and a guy who never loved me past friends. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I am just starting not to care anymore. I just wish that for once, a dream that I wanted would come true. Is that asking for too much? I am really not asking for much. Just a good paying job with benefits, to get to my goal weight, and another chance to see if this guy and I work together. I am not asking for a million dollars or ten houses around the world. So why does it seem like my hopes and dreams are always getting ignored? I hate doing laundry on Saturday night when other people are going out on dates, or doing something fun. I hate seeing happy couples together because that is what I have always wanted. And I hate looking at my body in the mirror, because I still hate it. I really tried to like it and believe in it, but it just lets me down. At least I dont have to worry about ever fitting my fat behind into a wedding dress, because I know in my heart (where the real truth is), that I am never going to get that phone call saying, "I want to do something with you." This is my punishment for being fat for so many years and not turning it around in time. Being fat has destroyed my life, my chance at love, and happiness, being a mother, and any other dream I have ever had. I guess this is karma for all the years I abused myself and thinking that it wouldnt matter.

[muppet]

Carrie-- I really don't think there's anything I can say to make you feel better. I wish there was! You have come so far. And, you are such a kind, and understanding person to everyone else on this board. I wish you could show yourself the same compassion.
Maybe this guy just isn't good enough for you. Maybe if he can't see past a little extra weight, and see how much you love him, he doesn't deserve that love.
Things will get better for you Carrie -- in time. You are a strong person, and you can get through this. We are here for you!
Carol

[Trying4Thin]

Thank you Carol. Right now there isnt anything that anyone can say unless it is from this guy. No he didnt like my weight, but what was worse to him was my attitude about it. He has been interested in at least one person that was much heavier than I ever was. But combine my old attitude and weight and nagging to be with him, and he just ran. If I had been thin or even overweight at the time, I think I would have handled myself better around him. I wouldnt have been afraid to show him affection or afraid to make the first move to hold his hand without fear of rejection. He was the first guy that I can honestly say that I ever really loved with all of my heart. I cant change the things that I have said and done in the past. I can only pray that I get the chance to make things right again. I know I would be a much better friend this time around and that may open another door. But hearing me tell him that over the phone or emailing it, doesnt work. It has to be in person where I can show him that I have changed.

[muppet]

Well, Carrie, I really hope you get what you want. You deserve another chance.
I'll keep you in my prayers! Good luck!
Carol

[ehyatt]

Originally Posted by Trying4Thin

Day 23

Today I was on the early shift (report time 530am). But I was done by 1136am so it wasnt so bad. After work, I flew over to Kinko's to print out my stuff for work. I havent set up my printer yet, and I didnt want to risk missing the application deadline. I have to say that I am pleased with how it came out. I happened to catch a glimpse of another already turned in application and mine was much more professional looking. After I turned my stuff in, I rewarded myself with Cherry Cheesecake. (NO I dont mean the real thing....) Although my tastebuds wish I did...I have been reading culinary mystery novels by Joanne Fluke and I love her series, even though it is fluff reading. Anyway, the newest book in the series is called, "Cherry Cheesecake Murder." I have been dying to get this book for months. Next month, another book comes out by Diane Mott Davidson (another culinary murder mystery writer) called, "Dark Torte." It's a good thing I cant cook or bake because I would put on 300 pounds trying out all the book recipes. I dont know what it is, but my fast food cravings are coming back BIG time. I have had to do some serious self talking to keep myself away from it. I was even trying to make excuses for why it wouldnt matter if I went once. Well I havent caved in, and I wont. I think it was the stress talking, and possibly a little lonliness mixed in there too. I do know that afterwards I never would have forgiven myself. Right now I am having trouble with my food choices and I am starting to gravitate towards some not so smart choices. I think once this week is over, that I will get back to my determined self. Right now, all my determination is sitting in a white lock box at the office waiting to be read and evaluated. I was feeling superconfident, and now I just want to break into that box and steal it back. If they have passed me up before, what's to stop them from doing it again? I swear I am my own worst enemy and I always find a way to sabotage myself. I have got to stop pulling that because if I dont, 214 is only a fast food binge away. I am betting I am somewhere in the 160's again, but I dont know.
On a lighter note (no pun intended), Idol is on tonight. I thought most of the guys did well last night. Ace, a favorite of mine didnt do so hot. Kevin has to go. There was somebody else, and I cant remember who. Chris D was awesome as usual. As for the women, Brenna and the blonde who called herself an AI Stalker both have to go. (My humble opinion). But with Idol, you never know what will happen. I am still scratching my head wondering how Constantine was booted before Scott Savol last season. Oh well, they have to keep people tuning in dont they?
Well tomorrow is Friday, and I guess I have to start over again and remind myself why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. I havent completely fallen overboard, but I am too close for comfort.

~Carrie

OMG, I love Diane Mott Davidson! I have read a lot of her books. I am currently reading Tough Cookie, Double Shot is the next one I am going to read. GA McKevett also puts out a culinary mystery series (no recipes though.) The book I was reading today actually had a couple of recipes that I thought I could make low fat, like the crab cakes. I have never read Joanne Fluke, but I am going to look for her books!

[Trying4Thin]

There are a lot of culinary murder series out now. I think I also have some by Fairbanks (cant remember the name though). Fluke writes the same types of stuff as Mott Davidson, but her basic storylines are repetitive (like how the stories open), and she uses the same characters. But they keep my attention. I completed Cheesecake in 3 days. Her series can be found at Barnes and Noble and Borders and sometimes Walmart. I would recomend reading them in order. I like Mott Davidson and her next Goldy Bear Book is due in April. Double Shot was really good.

[Missy]

Don't EVER give up on yourself because of some guy. There are tons of guys out there and if this guy isn't the one...keep going. But be positive, there is nothing more attractive than someone with a positive attitude and confidence to boot!! Stick with your diet...you are doing so very very well and I know you can do this!! Look at how much weight you have lost already!! That is incredible and YOU DID IT! You've made it this far, you may as well keep going until you reach your goal.

We ARE here to support you and help you through this....just believe in yourself. "The only thing getting in between you and your dreams is YOU." So never...EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP!

[ehyatt]

I requested one of Fluke's books from my library (Chocolate Chip Cookie Murders.) The library system here is pretty cool, you can go online to search for books, and no matter which library branch in the city that has it, they will send it to my local library for me to pick up. I look foward to reading it!

[Trying4Thin]

Day 26

I have given this a great deal of thought, and I have decided to put my journal on hiatus until I can get my head on straight. Last night I was just about to get dressed and go to the nearest fast food joint, but I managed to wrestle myself back to the livingroom. I have been on edge for a while now with everything that is going on in my life, and it is driving me insane. I am sick and tired of my scale letting me down, and my overall outlook on things is not very good right now. It's gotten to the point where I dont feel like I have anything good to say anymore and I dont think you guys should have to tune into a soap opera everyday. I have given a lot of advice, and lately I cant seem to make myself take it. I have slacked majorly in the exercise department and I dont measure my portions anymore. I am either stressed out or hurting, and I dont like being in that place. I think it is really easy for people with significant others to say that, "Oh you will find another guy, he isnt the right one, etc." Well I dont want another guy, and it isnt easy to find another one. I want this guy and I know that we are supposed to be together. I have been alone my entire life and I am sick to death of hearing that, "there will be another guy." I have heard that too many times to count. I want what everyone else has...to be loved by the man that I love. But as it stands, right now he doesnt want me and I am prepared to spend the rest of my life alone. That isnt too hard since that is how I have spent my previous years. Then again, how can I compete with the girl he has been in love with for years? Even though they never dated and she doesnt want him, and she has major flaws? How do I get that phone call for a second chance? I think he has shut himself off where I am concerned so he wont get hurt again, and so he tries to be not so nice to me, and says he wants a break. I know that somewhere in there, even if it is a tiny tiny part of him...he wants to be with me. He will deny it though. But I am not that same person. I am sick and tired of being miserable, and fat and alone. What kills me is that I had a real chance with this guy when we first met over 2 years ago and I blew it. So why did our paths cross if I was just going to blow it and spend my life knowing that he was the one that got away? This is what I mean about getting my head on straight. And if I dont get that job promotion, things will get much worse. I just want to be normal for once in my life and be able to talk about normal things and do normal things like have date night and have long conversations like we used to without him feeling annoyed and like his time was being wasted. I want him to let me in because I am finally ready to let him in the right way, and not by nagging. When am I going to quit being dissappointed all the time by everything my heart desires? When am I going to hear yes...for all the things I want out of life?
Thank you for all your love and support, but I think I have to go this route alone. Everyone else on here is doing so well and I dont want my problems bringing everyone else down. Dont worry about me, I will be fine. He (the guy) always said that, "things would work out in the end." I dont know if he means for us, or for him and somebody else.

[Missy]

I understand that you want to be alone right now, but please don't give up yourself. Look at what you've done..you've lost about 60 pounds!! That is amazing...being 155 pounds is NOT FAT...not even close. I wish I was at the weight you are now. Anyways, I just wanted to say that if you read this, I hope you feel better soon and know that we'll be thinking about you.