It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Ok well I am officially spending the rest of my life alone. Eric doesnt want me; doesnt want to spend time with me because he thinks guys and girls cant be "just friends." He doesnt have the grace to get through the tough times with me that marraige would call for. That he cant feel that I love him; that it is probably just a crush and that I will find somebody else and my feelings are hollow and that if I truly loved him he would feel it. And he doesnt want to see me because then he will start to have feelings for me and he doesnt want to have them be manufactured. He wants somebody he likes from the getgo. Yet he can tell his mom that he wished he liked me that way. (But he wont do anything about it). Oh and he only said those things because he wanted to be nice. I am not to call him and he has to call me because relationships are a two way street. I am thinking that he wont ever call even though I have cds he wants to listen to as well. Ironic thing being; they are marraige cd's. Like I have a use for them.....Going to lose tons of weight now because all I feel like doing is running and vomiting. And he only said those other things (about being jealous and me being hot to make me build up my confidence and to help me.) And he did like some things about me and he would miss talking to me. HOW??? When he never calls or emails me?? Yet he also said that he doesnt know the future and I could find somebody else. (I wont). And that I always have a chance with him. BullS*&%!!!! That is why he wont start over with me. Why he makes fun of me because he knows he can get away with it and even HE knows it's wrong. He said he isnt afraid to tell people how he feels about them if he likes them. He also says he could fall in love with anyone (guess I am the exception). I AM SICK OF BEING HEARTBROKEN!!! Just another guy who wont give me a chance. I'm done. I am better off alone. My dreams went down the drain today; every last one of them. And I just got another email saying to never call him again ever and if he wants to talk to me; he will call me. I wont hold my breath. Oh and the stinger....that I am probably just as big as the last time he saw me (people dont change that drastically in two months). So I called him on it and he said little to make it sound better. Both Hot and Big??? Well now I can have surgery and not have to worry about ever ruining it with getting pregnant cuz that isnt going to happen. I really do feel completely alone and worthless. Some people really arent supposed to get married and I am one of them. He says he likes me but not romantically. I dont even think he likes me as a friend because he is more afraid of developing "manufactured feelings" for me than just being my friend and he thinks all I want is a boyfriend and to get married. In all honesty, I just want to be alone where I cant hurt anyone but myself. I could never make a good wife.

[Missy]

Carrie I am really sorry that you are hurting right now. I know everything he said to you was not what you wanted to hear. I think he is a huge asshole, especially for that last remark he made about you still being big. I've told you this before, but I will tell you again. You are better than him and you deserve better than him. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all the way he talks to you. It's his loss, and I mean that. I'm sick of seeing you get hurt by this jerk. Let him go on his way then, forget about him. I know it hurts because he's "the guy" but you have to let him go. Either he's not ready or he just plain doesn't want to be. It doesn't sound like he is making any effort to mend things between the two of you.

Don't let him get the best of you either. He will assume you are depressed and will head for the tub of ice cream, you don't need it! As ****ty as you feel, putting weight back on will feel worse. You don't need him and you don't need anyone else. Just focus on you and get yourself where you want to be.

*hugs* xoxo
Missy

[Trying4Thin]

Trust me; the last thing I want to do is eat because I feel like crap. Food ultimately ruined my life and a chance with "the forever guy." If I hadnt been fat; I wouldnt have acted the way I did in the beginning. I would have been ready for a relationship. But it wasnt just the weight. Guys I like just never like me back. All I want to do now is workout and sleep because that is all I have left. He is just a walking contradiction. How can he wish he had feelings for me but not want to get closer because then he will have them (manufactured or not). And then he tells me he doesnt want to have feelings for me. I am seriously done with men forever. I am not kidding.
Ironically enough; I just found out that I weigh less than I thought I did (I told him I was 150 when he asked but later found out it was lower). Granted it was a different time of day; but the scale was down. I really thought I was 150. A broken heart is a great diet pill substitute.

[louie]

Oh Carrie,

I am soooooo sorry you are hurting. I will make no comments on Eric, I don't know you well enough to say anything, and no matter what I said, you are feeling the way you feel and my few words cannot alleviate them.
I have only known you through 114 pages of your journal, and that inspired me enough to come online in my first ever forum and open up about myself and be inspired and motivated to get off my rather large ass and start loving myself again.
The last part is the key - the loving yourself. I mean, how fricking fantastic are you??? Look at all you have achieved in the time I have followed your journey - so much so that to someone like me, all the way over in Sydney, has taken those first wee steps on the journey to loving herself again too.
Howe dare he (sorry have to say this ) even think he knows how much you can lose in 2 months - you have been busting ass and doing awesomely!!
I am giving you the massivist cyber hugs at the minute, and am here for you in any way I can be.
Your friend,
Louie

[Joysieangel]

Hi Carrie

I know your hurting right now. All I can say is I wish he would piss or get off the pot. Excuse my language Im so tired of him hurting you. Its like he gets pleasure out of leading you on and then letting you down again. Im not going to tell you to get over him because you know him better then any of us do. I just wish there was something myself or anyone else could do to make you feel better or to help you along. I wish you all the best, and we are here for you

Joy

[Jules]

Aw Carrie, I'm so sorry. I know you're feeling awful right now, but there's more to life than men. You have a lot to give, I mean look at how you help all of us! Louie started healing her life because of you! I'm glad you have loving parents and I hope all those around you can show you how important you are to all of us. I'm sorry we can't help things with Eric. I'm so sorry you had to hear such hurtful things. I know you know how hard you've worked and that you are the best judge of yourself -not Eric or us or your parents or anyone. You know most of all how much you've changed -and you should be darned proud of that. You're in control of yourself, and on this crazy planet that's about all we have control over. Some of us don't even have that, but we're working on it too.

It's not a bad idea to take some time for yourself, to focus on yourself not for any purpose having to do with a guy or work or anything else outside of you. Just some you time. Make it positive time, not destructive. You don't know what blessings might lie in your future still but I know you want to be ready for them when they come your way.

I care for you, my friend. I'm so sorry things are not working out with Eric. I am here if you need me. I hope you can get your focus back soon. You are an amazing person.
~Jules

[jbroadman]

Woulda Coulda Shoulda ****!! Sounds to me from what I have read, he wants you when he wants you and now he is done. You are human being, not a piece of gum. Don't go looking for love, it will find you. I have been **** all over b/4 and it sucks and never believed I could be 'the one' for anyone. You need to take care of you, you are your first priority. You need to love yourself and feel good again. I know, I know 'What does she know? Who does she think she is?' You have been there and you will be there again. It takes time, have patience.

And remember ......WE ALL LOVE YOU......or we wouldn't respond!!

[muppet]

Hello Carrie. Are you listening? I hope so.
I think you need to clear your mind, and really listen to what Eric is telling you. Put everything else aside and listen to his words. Don't assume you know what he really means, or what he's thinking. Be analytical, and just look at the facts.
Really hear what he's telling you, and accept it.
And please Carrie, know that your friends here on this board really do care and are willing to listen, or just be a shoulder to cry on.
I'm sincerely sorry you're hurting.
Love,
Carol

[Patty_Ann]

Hi Carrie. I'm sorry I was not here for you in your time of need. I have been so busy that I just don't have time to come in here and "talk"...I really do regret not coming in here daily. As all the others have said - Sorry to hear that you are so heartbroken. I have talked with you privately about Eric and I know how much you love him. I have been there many times with the one I am still with...as you know my marriage hasn't been that easy. I can remember the time this past June that Dan hurt me (once again) by saying very hurtful things. (You were there for me) At the time all I could do was cry b/c it hurt so bad...I drove home and became sick - as I am sure that is what is happening with you. I was unable to eat for a week and lost 6 pounds in one week, which isn't healthy. I really do know and understand what you are going through - the pain is just too much to bear and I hate to see that you are having to go through it.

I really do hope that you have the strength to keep doing what you have been doing and focus in on who you are...not how others see you - whether it is Eric or anyone else who knows you. You know that you have lost a lot of weight on your own - Girl that is the best feeling in the world to know that you didn't need anyone to help you get through it. You have grown so much in the last 8 months (since I have known you) - you are such a loving and caring person - I am so happy to have met you and hope to meet you in person someday. You have inspired me, motivated me, and talked me through my tough times - you have been a terrific friend and I hope that you feel the same about me. I want to help you get through this tough time...I know that you could really use a sincere hug - I'm sending them your way. I also have two ears to listen to what you have to say...muscles in my mouth to keep it shut while you speak and not interruption you...two shoulders for you to lean on. Girl...I am here for you! Please take it easy and try your best to get something in your tummy...I know it is hard and just sounds impossible to do right now but just give some crackers a try...those are easy on the tummy.

Please PM me if you need to talk...Love Ya Lots Girlie!

[Trying4Thin]

Hi everyone;

Yes I am still here; but barely. I am tired, cranky and I just dont want to do much of anything. Dragged myself to the gym Monday night and skipped Tuesday since I have been pounding on myself for two days straight. Had to sleep with a heating pad cuz my glutes were that sore from another Level 10 workout plus treadmill. Sometimes an hour can seem like a million. Yes I am still eating but I guess it is what I am eating that is making the difference. Today I got on the scale after work and about passed out. I was 146.3...thought for sure I was up again. I want to hit 134 lbs by Nov 21st (when I go home). That will be an even -80 pounds. I THINK I can do it. I know I can for sure hit -70 lbs (144 lbs).

Monday night was really strange. Guy at front desk said hi and I said hi back. My stupid card wouldnt scan so I made some lame joke about not having to work out then. He didnt say anything and just stared at my hand. Later, I went to get something from the locker room and bumped into that trainer who had previously blown me off. He actually said hi and asked how I was doing. My first thought was to ignore him. My second was to point out that he wouldnt get any commission for talking to me. But I just played nice. When I left, the front desk guy told me to have a good night. Havent gotten that many sentences out of him in weeks. Still getting a lot of compliments but all I want to do is just cry. Got a LONG email from Eric yesterday. No doubt that he is very angry right now. He spent the first few paragraphs venting; but then calmed down and was saying how he wanted me to be happy, I am a treasure and he thanked me for all the positive things I brought into his life.... blah blah...he said, "He wished things could have worked out between us and maybe they will in the future; who knows?" I think he means as friends. But as I was recently told from a cd I was listening to; "If things were good and they go to bad; then why cant they go from bad to good?" I am willing to wait for him forever and I dont care if I am alone in that decision. So I will wait for him to call me and in the meantime I will be constructive in my thoughts and actions. If I am to be alone for the rest of my life; then so be it.