It's Time For A New Life

[Missy]

I'm glad to hear that things are working out on the new nutrition plan. You know you know what you're doing and it's too bad you wasted that money on LA weight loss. I'm sure you learned some things by being with them so I guess all is not wasted.

[Trying4Thin]

Starting to feel really depressed again. I've lost all this weight and it seems like nothing has changed. I am still ignored by guys (except they stare at me), and the guy I want more than anything still is too busy to spend any time with me because of work and family. How are we ever going to have a chance to see what could be there if he and I cant get together? I finally got my junk together and I know we have a shot at happiness now. Heck the last time I saw him; I couldnt run 5 miles in an hour or do 1 hour backwards on level 9. I HAVE changed and that is just the physical stuff I have worked on. I have been going over and over in my head why he would say the things he did (that he would go out with me if he werent wrapped up in somebody else; but it wasnt that easy/he would be a little jealous if somebody else asked me out) and still not have any time for me. It makes me think that he is conflicted about what to do about the possibility of an "us." But it is driving me nuts. I was FINE until he said all that stuff recently. Now I have no idea what to think. When I was home last week I happened to mention to my mother that 2 of my past friends from hs were pregnant; one with her first and one with her second. I have no idea why; but suddenly I was telling my mother how badly I wanted to be pregnant. Another one of my friends here is going to start trying next year. It seems like everywhere I look I am seeing wedding magazines, baby stuff etc. I am 31 years old; it's not like I have forever to wait. But I guess I do, since the only guy I want near me is still busy. I wish his other dream job would come to pass and then we could have more time to spend together. I havent seen him since July; but 1 month of that was because of the "angry time" we were having. But that has long since passed. Obviously; if he could say that he would ask me out, that I was hot, and that another guy would make him jealous. I just want my friend back for now; not some acquaintance that I occasionally hear from. I asked him to go to some museum event that I accidently stumbled upon. He said that his mother already asked him to go and she was going with a few other people. I dont know if he is going or not; but I have never met his mother. 1) I am still too fat 2) She knows a lot of what has gone down between us (same with my parents) 3) I am just plain terrified to. I did send her a thank you note once. I dont know if she has given up on ever meeting me. I know Eric has told her I have lost weight; just not how much. I dont know if he has told her that I have changed a lot in the past 2 months. So, I wont be going to that event. He also mentioned this movie that he wanted to see but he couldnt go to because he was working. But he hoped I would see it. I told him I thought we could go together and he said he didnt think it was playing around here. He said to see if I could find it. Well I did, but I am sure he will have some excuse why he is busy (aka: too scared to see me). He thinks this other girl is too scared to see him because she is afraid of what will happen if they get together (uh trust me, that aint the reason), but I think that is the reason he wont see me. I dont think he wants to admit that he has feelings for me. Especially when he has "loved" this other girl for so long. I am just rambling on for now and trying to distract myself from yet another phone call that wont come tonight. It is Saturday; they will be busy again. Too bad the gym closes at 6 pm. I could really use a good pounding right now. But it wouldnt matter if they were. It is Homecoming weekend here and the stupid university shut my street down to traffic except buses going to the game. So I am stuck here from 1-8 pm. What BS! I dont feel like explaining my comings and goings to the police, so I am staying home. Cant wait until football season is OVER! Going to work out at home tonight and then open the gym tomorrow morning at 8 am. Plus I have to get my account straightened out. They keep saying my payments are late. This time I have the recipt. I know I wasnt late. A good run should make me feel better; assuming I havent lost all the endurance I have built up from being sick and lazy. I may not have the man of my dreams right now; but at least I can run again. And that can somewhat make me smile. Sorry guys, I had to get this off my chest; before it completely weighed me down.

[muppet]

This is the best place in the world to 'let it all out'. We're all here for you.
Pretty sure the guys that 'just stare at you' are checking you out, because they like what they see. They don't stare at things they don't like! So, even though the 'staring' is completely rude, sometimes these boys just can't help it, hot stuff!
Take it easy!
Carol

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks Carol,

I dont care if they look. It is kinda flattering, but unnerving at the same time. I catch them doing it and they usually dont look away. (1 at the gym does.) I wish I could work out with my eyes closed so I wouldnt have to see the stares, smirks, smiles etc, but I'd fall off the treadmill. But in all honesty, there is only one guy I want staring at me like that. But guys in general wont even talk to me so I still feel like a freak. That is what bothers me. I cant blame Eric (right now) because he hasnt even seen me in over 2 months. At least he said I was hot. Makes me wonder what he will say when he finally sees me in person (whenever the heck that is.) But guys also stare at "ugly girls" to make fun of them. I dont know where I fit in anymore really.

[Trying4Thin]

I hate Ohio weather. Last Sunday it was 70 degrees and I flew home from the airport with the moon roof open. Today my feet are cold, the heat is on and it's 33 degrees. On top of that, I promised myself that I was going to work out today. If my toes dont break off first. Going to make myself work out for 2 hours. It wont make all my "bad" behavior vanish into thin air, but it will start to bring my self confidence and endurance back. It will also help the rest of the cold junk to exit my system. Ahhhh, pitch black at 7:03 am. How depressing?!

On a lighter note; I was able to FINALLY rescue my purchased ITunes files off my IPod. Now I can restore it to factory settings!! And I can put these files on disk. I will lose some Podcasts, but that is ok. There are always more of those. I really need to superclean my pc; the memory is slowly depleating because of all the shows I have been downloading. But they are sans commercials. How cool is that?? So the files are now compatible. I just have to re-add the ones that came off of cds. Who cares? Much better than losing almost $1,000 in downloads.

(Oops) I did it again...I got on the scale this morning and I am down again. I hope this keeps up. It will be interesting to see where I am by Friday. I plan on having a great week in Cardio. 36 days (not counting today) until I fly home again. I am hoping for 130; but that is going to take a huge amount of ass kicking to pull this off (especially when my body gets particularly resistant right before I jump into a new set of numbers.) I swear it "knows."

Ugh...7:15 am...time to jump into the shower and then out into the arctic freeze. At least I will burn some calories waiting for my car to heat up.

[Trying4Thin]

OK so I survived the gym with mixed results. First I got on the Elliptical Stair Stepper and figured I would go an hour. I did the entire hour backwards on level 10 and went 4.66 miles. I really really wanted an even 5 miles; but I was going slower to keep my heart rate more in line for optimum fat burning. 442 calories burned. Then I got on the treadmill and did some walking. My quads were so stiff after the stepper that it made for some fun walking. But it felt good not to feel any jiggling. But I did get some jiggling when I started running. I ran 10 mins on 4.5 mph and had to stop because I was hurting in my right calf, both legs just above the ankle, and my right instep. That's what I get for not stretching or warming up enough and taking 2 weeks off. I started making excuses to get off the treadmill, but ended up doing the full hour. My running may have suffered, but my sprinting did not. Actually did 3 mins (not 2) at 7 mph. Didnt try and go any faster today. I am sure my legs are in shock after being on vacation. Did some other sprints at 6 mph which really isnt a sprint for me. Total mileage was 3.55 and 358 calories burned. Overall workout results: total time 2 hours and 2 mins, 808 calories burned, 50% fat burn, 404 fat calories burned. I could have been better (a lot better); but it was great for having been away sick and then having slacked off some. I think I am going to walk another 6 miles this afternoon if the weather holds up and stays in the 50's. Not anxious to get sick all over again.

Went and bought more Blueberry yogurt cuz it makes my heart, tummy, and tastebuds smile. Also picked up more fruits and veggies. When did grapes get so expensive?? Almost $6 for the bag I got! But I didnt see any smaller ones. Good thing they go down as quickly as candy; but without the guilt. (I only allow myself 1 "bad" choice for the day and I have already eaten mine. The chili...) I am stuffed from lunch. I didnt mean to; it just snuck up on me.

Hopefully tomorrow night will be a better gym day. It has to be. I only have 38 days to go. I want to show my parents that I can do this myself. I honestly dont think a dietician could help me anyway. Because in the end, it is I who decide what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat, and how much I exercise. I need to learn how to do this myself; FOR myself. Dieticians are only as useful as the room they are in. Once I am beyond the "safety" of those 4 walls; I am in total control. It is my diet to either win or lose. SO...why not just eat responsibly and be accountable for FREE! I didnt drop over 60 pounds by getting lucky. I had to work for them. We all have to learn sometime. Lessons that you learn on your own (the hard way) are much easier to follow than ones that are seemingly "forced" upon you by somebody else.

Starting to get sleepy from lunch...

[Missy]

Glad to hear you are back in the gym kicking some butt!

[Trying4Thin]

Today's menu:

Breakfast
Blueberry Heart Smart Oatmeal (2 pkg)

Lunch
Garden Salad with House Italian Dressing
Blueberry Probiotic Yogurt
Hormel Chili w/o beans (Baaaad!! But so gooood!!)
Diet Snapple Peach Iced Tea
1 Whole Wheat Pita heated (plain)

Snack
Assorted fruit medley (melon/strawberry)
Tiny amount of FlaxPlus Cereal (dry)

Dinner
Small Greek Salad with House Italian Dressing
Blueberry Probiotic Yogurt w/ a little cereal topper
1 No Sugar Added Fudge Popsicle

Snack:
2 Protein Bars (not the best choice, but I needed the protein)

[Trying4Thin]

Still no call or email from Eric. Again I am not surprised; just hurt. Yet I am so "hot" to him that he has to ignore me. Maybe he was just busy as usual. I know work does tie him up and he is really tight on time. Well when I do see him next, I will make sure he doesnt want to let me go so easily. He does sound happier when we do talk though. Little by little I am going to win his heart. Gotta keep living at the gym and busting my ass...

Going to sleep with a heating pad tonight; my legs are a little cranky and nothing is going to keep me from working out hard tomorrow. Or for the rest of the days until I go home. Except Nov. 20th...When Monday hits; I will have more 37 days and counting. Not a lot of time to do serious damage. But I will do it. I have a lot riding on this. The harder I work out; the more conditioned I will become and the smaller I will be. I am shooting for 130 lbs by the 21st; but realistically, anywhere in the mid-low 130's is kosher with me. I WILL be at goal (120 lbs) by December 31st. And hopefully I will be spending New Years with Eric by my side. Tall order I know; but it will keep me going to the gym. Even when I reeeeealllly dont want to.

[Joysieangel]

Im glad to hear that you are feeling better!!! You sound a lot happier now that you have changed your own diet, If LA wasnt working for you, you made the right decision!!! Im so happy for you