It's Time For A New Life

[Trying4Thin]

Day 20

I am so disgusted with myself right now I dont know what to do. I have been busting my butt hauling around 10 extra pounds of ankle weights on 3+ and 6 mile hikes, I am eating healthy, and I am not drinking soda. I am now back up to 158.7 and I am very angry about it. There is no way I have put on 3.2 pounds of muscle in only 2 days. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I was 1.5 pounds away from my first goal and now I am 4.7 pounds away. I am so frustrated and sick and tired of doing the right thing. I feel like I am never ment to be thin, or to be with "my guy." Whenever I get close to something, the other shoe always drops. I am so fed up. If I am going to keep gaining, I might was well be eating junk. I am tired of trying to convince myself it is just water weight, because it cant be. If this keeps up, I will be as big as a whale by my birthday. And I doubt "my guy" would want to spend my birthday with a lard butt like me. He will never believe I have changed if this weight wont come off. He is attracted to skinny girls and I am not one.

~Carrie

[susieokla]

Aarrgggg!!! I can understand that you're upset! I'm sorry.

There has be an explanation to the weight gain? Is it that time of the month? Are you eating enough? Are you drinking enough water? Maybe it's the scale? Have you tried weighing on a different one?

Don't get too discouraged. Keep doing what you're doing! I know it's hard but don't be so focused on that number that the scale shows you. How're your clothes fitting? How do you look? I don't take my measurements but I wish I would've started when I started losing just to see how many I've lost. You can lose inches without losing weight and muscle does weigh more then fat.

I know I'm probably not much help. Please just hang in there. We are all here for you.

[Trying4Thin]

Susie I dont know what is wrong with me.


Yes I think I am eating enough. I really dont count calories much anymore, I just keep it honest and dont put anything in my mouth I would be ashamed of later on. My clothes are big (as usual), so I cant be putting on fat pounds. I drink water, but probably falling short on that. My unwelcome monthly visitor is a week away (Sunday). I thought I was losing. Sunday night, the skin at the tops of my legs were drooping like crazy Sun night, so I figured that there was fat loss there. Today, they are not to droopy. I know I have lost inches all over. Maybe my WW scale is just a piece of junk, like all scales. Or maybe I really do weigh 158.7 for real. I am ready to chuck it through the window with the rest of my dreams.

[muppet]

Please don't give up! We need you here. Look at how far you've come! Don't let one minor set back ruin all your hard work. You inspire me! Do this for yourself Carrie. You know you're better off than you were before. No matter what happens with your guy, you will be better able to handle it if you are fit and healthy.
Take care of yourself Carrie - we are all pulling for you!
Carol

[weaverdelooh]

Carrie,

Have you tried weighing yourself only once a week? It seems as if the scale is all over the place all of the time, and you can jump on and it won't weigh you the same twice in a row. Maybe once a week would help?

And as far as the b.f. being attracted to "skinny girls". Yes, I agree attraction is an important part in beginning a relationship; however, there are sooooooooo many other factors that go into a relationship. What if he found a "skinny girl" and something happened to her that caused her to get bigger? Many of women pack on the pounds from pregnancies, and many of women get sick and are unable to work out, etc... Meaning she could STILL go from being a skinny minny to being a tub-a-lard. It's not the fat, or the lack there of that he should be basing his relationship on.

Originally Posted by Trying4Thin

Day 20

I am so disgusted with myself right now I dont know what to do. I have been busting my butt hauling around 10 extra pounds of ankle weights on 3+ and 6 mile hikes, I am eating healthy, and I am not drinking soda. I am now back up to 158.7 and I am very angry about it. There is no way I have put on 3.2 pounds of muscle in only 2 days. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I was 1.5 pounds away from my first goal and now I am 4.7 pounds away. I am so frustrated and sick and tired of doing the right thing. I feel like I am never ment to be thin, or to be with "my guy." Whenever I get close to something, the other shoe always drops. I am so fed up. If I am going to keep gaining, I might was well be eating junk. I am tired of trying to convince myself it is just water weight, because it cant be. If this keeps up, I will be as big as a whale by my birthday. And I doubt "my guy" would want to spend my birthday with a lard butt like me. He will never believe I have changed if this weight wont come off. He is attracted to skinny girls and I am not one.

~Carrie

[weaverdelooh]

oooohhhh!!!! Flavor Spray diet???? That sounds great!!!! All the flavor and none of the calories?

[Trying4Thin]

Yep, I hear those flavor sprays are supposed to be good and they go with any diet. As soon as I get the $$ together, I am going to try some. Wish they had one for Italian salad dressing.....

I weigh myself daily and I know it is a horrible habit. I think I am going to put my scale in my bedroom somewhere that I dont have to look at it for the next ten days. (For me, that will be harder than giving up diet soda, but I have managed to squash that habit). My mother always said, "If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all." Well my scale has nothing nice to say, so I am not giving it the chance to make me angry again. I ate too many crackers today and I am now reminded of why I gave up overeating. Those stupid crackers became Spongebob Squarepants in my stomach and I think I am going to explode. I feel sick and bloated and I want to just throw up and get it over with, so my stomach will go back to its regular size, and I wont absorb the obscene amount of calories they were all worth. I am grateful it was only crackers and not the Hershey Kisses I bought the other day. That is how far I have come. I completely forgot that I had bought them. And I am still ignoring the few cans of diet soda I have left sitting around. For me, it is a non issue. I promised to be good on this diet/lifestyle change, and I have.

As for the guy...He has always been attracted to skinny women like Paris Hilton (she is nasty for the record). In the beginning, he did like me. I was so naive and insecure and I had a terrible attitude about my weight and zero self esteem. I was scared to show him affection, and by the time I was ready, he had had enough. There is a lot more to this story, but I am not going to go there. Suffice to say, I began to get overzealous trying to convey my feelings to make up for what I couldnt give before (even though I wanted to). It was fuel for many fights. One night over a year and a half ago, I walked out and things were really never the same for him since then. I guess we are taking another break now. He can accept me as a fat friend, but not a fat gf because he doesnt like me in that way. If I had just shut my mouth and enjoyed the friendship, we most likely would have gotten together. So now, I have to backpedal and wait for him to call me. I really want this guy more than anything, but I am getting the feeling that he is just another dream that I am never ment to have come true. I am getting fed up with being told no to all the things I want out of life. No to a thinner body, No to the man I want desperately to marry one day, No to a job promotion even though I have 10 years experience in the field. I am beginning to think this is just one big joke to see how far I can be pushed before I am at the head of the line at Burger King again. Enough is enough.

[Trying4Thin]

Day 21:

Well it is Day 21 now and I feel like I havent made any progress whatsoever. I am back to 159.1 and I have had it. The only reason I didnt throw my scale in the dumpster this morning is because I wanted to make sure I got to work on time. I know one day soon I will crack and the stupid thing will end up with the rest of the things that nobody else wants anymore. I hope it dies a cold and painful death out there for all the hurt and pain it has caused me. I only got on my scale this morning because I was sure I looked thinner than yesterday. Guess looks can be deceiving. Then again, I havent yet ruled out new muscle development yet. Other than my weight going back up, and my dream guy ingnoring me for the moment, I am also worried about work. There are two Road Supervisor positions open. I have 10 years in the Transportation field and I handle people well, and basic mechanics well. I read the job description and I know I fit the bill, except for one thing. They want somebody with 3-5 years supervisory experience and I dont have it. However, I honestly believe that work in the field is much better than anything that can be taught within the walls of a classroom. The classroom teaches everything inside the box, while direct contact with everyday (as well as the not so everyday) situations teaches you to think outside the box. You cant teach supervisory skills; either you are born to lead, or you arent. So on Thursday I am going to turn in my cover letter, resume, and application in and cross my fingers. This time the claws are coming out, and I will not be turned down again. A few months ago, I applied to the same company for an Assistant Operations Manager position. They were very impressed with me, but they werent able to give me the position because I didnt have the management experience. Well this time is going to be different. If they are crazy enough to pass me up again, I will walk the second I find something else. I am too good for this. They have also turned me down twice for positions I was overqualified for. This is it, it's go time....My last interview, 2 of the 3 people had known me from another company, before I came to work for my current company. Let's just say I showed them a side of me they had never seen before. This time will be no different. I had hoped to have over 60 pounds off before the interview, but oh well. I think the weight loss I have achieved so far has given me wings (hense my screen name cartoon), but I havent yet gotten the chance to fly out on my own yet. This job is going to play a key role in that, and so will mending the friendship with "my guy," as well as getting my body and my life back. I hope the people that apply against me for these positions are ready for a fight, because I am not going to back down. I am going to reach down inside of me with the same amount of strength it took me to dig out those ankle weights, and walk through subzero weather for mile after mile. I am going to give honest replies to their written and verbal questions, not cookie cutter answers like I can see some people doing. I refuse to tell them what they want to hear. I am going to be ME.
What would Bob and Jillian say to management and competition?!

BRING IT ON!!


~Carrie

[Jules]

Carrie, I'm so glad you're showing that fighting spirit! Good luck with that job -you obviously deserve it.

If it helps, I think your metabolism slows down when it's really cold out. Part of those leftover reactions when winter meant death for cavemen who didn't store up body fat. Any weight gain is probably some combination of water weight and muscle and all of the above. Try and keep your salt levels low and it should help with the water retention. If you've been good to your diet you know that those mysterious extra pounds are not unhealthy foods -and I'm sure your body will sort itself out. It's had to do a lot of changing to keep up with your exercise and new habits.

Best wishes and I'm so glad you found that resolve in you!
Ps. One more thing to remember -what we think we want is not always what we should have. I hope you get what is truly best for you and makes you happy in the end.

[Trying4Thin]

Thanks Jules,

I have been good foodwise. The only things I tend to really "abuse" now are salad dressing and crackers. Granted, they arent fast food, but they can still do some damage. I need to start measuring my dressing, even though it is low cal. Even the smallest things add up, including crackers. I am going to take the night off from exercise so I can pound on my legs tomorrow. I have a lot of nervous energy, and stray emotions to work off. I think my legs are slowly starting to change shape. My clothes arent getting tighter, so I know I cant be gaining. I wont get on the scale tomorrow because I dont want to know what it will say. Salt and getting my H20 in are my achillies heels at the moment. I need to work on that. There are times that I miss the "fun" things I used to eat, but not what they used to do to me. Today, I bumped into a co-worker in the lounge. She is in pretty good shape, maybe a little overweight. She said she polished off a triple whopper for lunch. I had to fight really hard to keep my mouth shut. 1) to keep from vomiting 2) to keep from morphing into lecture mode "How could you eat that sludge??" The proverbial icing on the cake was the last piece of a custard pie (I think) was sitting on the table in front of me and I could have cared less. Pavlov's Dinner Bell will no longer work on me. Let somebody else inhale the zillion calories in that pie. I have better things to do with my time. As for the things that I want; I know that this is the guy I want. We have had terrible fights and said terrible things to each other. In the end, we both love each other as friends. I know that he is pulling for me. I also think that a small small part of him wants to be with me, even though he says he doesnt. If he didnt want me at all, we would have cut ties completely a long time ago. But somehow, we always end up talking again. I am the one to contact him, but he doesnt have to answer. I am just hoping we find our way back to each other soon. That other girl he claims to love, wont give him the time of day. They were only work friends. I know I could give him so much more. Each day I become stronger, and more ready to handle a real relationship. I no longer hide in the shadows anymore, and I am not afraid to stand up for myself. Quite a change from the Shamu Girl I was before. I have not only lost physical weight, but emotional weight as well. I have lost flab and gained muscle and inner strength. To the scale that claims I have gained....Get lost!

~Carrie