Then & Now

[Missy]

Then & Now
By Missy Wagner

I know that every once in awhile we all step back and reflect on our current living situations, and some of us tend to look to the past as well. Then there are those people who dwell on the past, I am one of those people. I have always thought I had a hard life and that I have had to put up with so much crap, but then I see other people in worse situations and I don’t feel as bad. I was always the little girl who got picked on in school for being shy. I was always the girl who never had many close friends growing up. I was always the girl who never got asked out on a date. I was always the girl who got passed up for job opportunities. I was always the girl who got cheated on. I think that we all get used to things being a certain way in our life and then we get so scared of change and fear the unknown, that we end up pushing the people out of our lives at the present time.

I am sure that many of you are unaware to the fact that I have been clinically diagnosed as having social anxiety. I always fear people are looking at me and making jokes about the way I look, that I stopped going out in public places for awhile. I ended up quitting my job because I was so afraid of making a mistake and looking stupid. At the time I felt like I didn’t have any emotional support. My parents didn’t understand and would just lecture me about working and making money. My boyfriend couldn’t deal with me and my depression, so he fell in with a bad crowd and just got drunk and tried to pick up other girls. I felt like absolute crap. I hated myself. Due to the fact that my boyfriend was trying to be with someone else, I didn’t feel like I was good enough for anybody.

I stopped caring about myself and I stopped caring about my life. I felt like the only thing that wouldn’t reject me at the time was food, so I would binge and binge on the fattiest, most unhealthy foods out there. I stopped cleaning my apartment and left it up to my roommates. I stopped even attempting to make my own meals. I stopped even trying to get a new job. I was so depressed about my money situation, my anxiety and my relationship. All those stresses as well as the fact I was put on paxil for my anxiety, ended me up at 261 pounds. I had nothing but complete hatred about the way I looked. I always felt like my boyfriend did deserve someone better looking since I was fat and ugly.

None of my clothes fit me properly, my seatbelt was way too tight in my car that I just stopped wearing it altogether. I couldn’t walk on my feet for more than 10 minutes without being in pain. I always had lower back pain and could never sleep any other way than on my back because of it. I could barely make it up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment without feeling like I was going to die. I had to make a change. I couldn’t live like this anymore.

When my boyfriend was charged for drunk driving, we decided we both needed a lifestyle change so we hired a personal trainer. Everything just seemed to fall into the right place from there. My workouts with him were very hard and my mindset was to always give up because I couldn’t do it. But I did.

I have lost 60+ pounds since I was at my highest weight and I feel so much more alive and good about myself. I can fit into all of my old pants and I can sleep on my stomach without having the lower back pains. I can do an hour of cardio and still have the energy to keep going. I can walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment and not be out of breath at all. I can wear my seatbelt again. My boyfriend and I have never been better. We are still working some things out, but at least now I know that he does love me and want me and no one else. I know that I am good enough and worthy enough. I know that I deserve love. My whole attitude towards life has changed and I don’t think I could have done it without my trainer. Dennis means the world to me. He has always taken time out of his hectic life to help me when I had a question or to talk to me through messenger. I hope that I always have a relationship with him even when I am done my training sessions. I still have about 75-80 more pounds I want to lose, but now I know that I can do it and that my goal is reachable. You just have to believe in yourself.

[Trying4Thin]

Egads, this has the "old" me written all over it....And unfortunately, some of the "still a work in progress" me too. Dont feel badly, I too have always struggled with public shyness. I couldnt even finish a public speaking course in college. Best cure for that is to lose weight because it will force you to go from being a wallflower into being the talk of the town. Then people will seek you out. Quite a different life; and it is then that you will find out who your true friends are...