[Trying4Thin]

Yep, I hear those flavor sprays are supposed to be good and they go with any diet. As soon as I get the $$ together, I am going to try some. Wish they had one for Italian salad dressing.....

I weigh myself daily and I know it is a horrible habit. I think I am going to put my scale in my bedroom somewhere that I dont have to look at it for the next ten days. (For me, that will be harder than giving up diet soda, but I have managed to squash that habit). My mother always said, "If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all." Well my scale has nothing nice to say, so I am not giving it the chance to make me angry again. I ate too many crackers today and I am now reminded of why I gave up overeating. Those stupid crackers became Spongebob Squarepants in my stomach and I think I am going to explode. I feel sick and bloated and I want to just throw up and get it over with, so my stomach will go back to its regular size, and I wont absorb the obscene amount of calories they were all worth. I am grateful it was only crackers and not the Hershey Kisses I bought the other day. That is how far I have come. I completely forgot that I had bought them. And I am still ignoring the few cans of diet soda I have left sitting around. For me, it is a non issue. I promised to be good on this diet/lifestyle change, and I have.

As for the guy...He has always been attracted to skinny women like Paris Hilton (she is nasty for the record). In the beginning, he did like me. I was so naive and insecure and I had a terrible attitude about my weight and zero self esteem. I was scared to show him affection, and by the time I was ready, he had had enough. There is a lot more to this story, but I am not going to go there. Suffice to say, I began to get overzealous trying to convey my feelings to make up for what I couldnt give before (even though I wanted to). It was fuel for many fights. One night over a year and a half ago, I walked out and things were really never the same for him since then. I guess we are taking another break now. He can accept me as a fat friend, but not a fat gf because he doesnt like me in that way. If I had just shut my mouth and enjoyed the friendship, we most likely would have gotten together. So now, I have to backpedal and wait for him to call me. I really want this guy more than anything, but I am getting the feeling that he is just another dream that I am never ment to have come true. I am getting fed up with being told no to all the things I want out of life. No to a thinner body, No to the man I want desperately to marry one day, No to a job promotion even though I have 10 years experience in the field. I am beginning to think this is just one big joke to see how far I can be pushed before I am at the head of the line at Burger King again. Enough is enough.