Day 16
Well it is Day 16 and things are starting to pick up for me. Today I weighed in at 155.5 lbs (-58.5). I went to the gym last night and had another decent sweat session on the treadmill. I went 4.75 miles. Not too bad, but I would have been happier with 5.50 or 6 miles. I ran a little, but focused mainly on hills. I am a little bit sore in my quads and left knee, but it is nothing I cant deal with. I dont think much is going to stop me now because I have quit being scared of the new life I will have when all this is over. So bring it on...
I tried the Whey Protein Powder that my mother suggested. It takes some getting used to, but it isnt bad. Even better than that, it was on sale. Usually anything from a health food store is mega expensive. I am really beginning to like my daily food regimen. Ok I have to admit that I did start to salivate driving by some fast food joint earlier today. The smell of hamburgers was a little too much to ignore. But soon I was focused on something else. If you were to ask me what restaurant it was, I couldnt tell you. All of a sudden, I was hit by the smell and I looked around, but didnt see where it was coming from. When it comes to fast food places, I now wear blinders. It's kinda like being in jr high and you and your best friend had a falling out and are no longer on speaking terms. You walk by each other with your heads held high. You both know the other is there, but neither of you publicly acknowledges the other with a sneer or even allow your eyes to lock. I feel sorry for the people that are so easily influenced by pictures of 3 ft tall glossy burgers, fish and breakfast sandwiches dripping with all the fixin's and loaded with an obscene amount of fat and cholesterol. Can you imagine this coming from the drive thru speaker box..."Heart attack on a bun is now available for here or to go?" You can even add extra meat. "Would you like that Triple Bypass now or later?" It makes me wonder how many years I skimmed off my life eating all that stuff. I didnt even feel good after eating it, just stuffed and guilty. I like that I have the power to chose what I put into my mouth at meals. Before I felt like I had zero control. I was losing the battle to food and losing badly I might add. Food doesnt fight fair. It will lure you in with tantilizing smells, great textures, and promises of making you feel good afterwards. Yeah right. All I wanted after my thrice daily binges was to cram more down, and then to curl up into a ball and sleep the day away. It robbed me of my energy, my self confidence, and my life. Nobody should have to feel that way. Food is a drug and it should be used carefully before addiction occurs. I am no longer weak, and I will not give in to its false promises. Expecially not when I am beginning to see the start of cheekbone definition and an actual collarbone. I didnt believe I had these. I thought I was just a natural blob whose bone structure would never get the chance to peek out from under all the layers of self induced flab. I am going to unzip the fat suit, and I will do it by force if necessary.
Last night I was finally able to get, "my guy" on the phone. It didnt go badly, but I do feel a little better knowing that I was able to hear his voice. He was a little upset I called, but I didnt call to tell him how great I thought we would be together. I did say that I still had feelings for him and that I also missed him as my friend, and I gave him a progress update. It was really emotional for me. I think he was too busy being frustrated that I called to listen to a lot of what I said. Yes I tend to ramble, but as he said, "I am a girl and I am just being me." He is happy we are taking a break and he doesnt know if he will call me or not. He did say if there is something he wants to do, he will call me. (Ok a break doesnt mean over and done with forever.) And if he were seeing somebody, I think he would have told me to get lost.) I know it is going to take a long time to get his trust back, but I will be patient. I think we both need to heal emotionally from all the past fighting. Just between us, I am hoping he holds off a couple of weeks before calling, so I can get to the mid to low 140's. I am hoping to hit 149 by the end of the month, but whenever I get close to getting to the next set of digits, my body decides to rebel and I put on 3 pounds that take me a decent amount of time to get rid of. Losing weight really is a life changing experience. I am growing up in ways I never thought I could. I am beginning to wonder if the people who havent seen me in months, years, whatever...will even recognize me on the inside? Not to mention, the outside. For my family, they will have the old high school Carrie back. For all the people I have met since moving out here, they will see a newly reinvented Carrie. And for the man of my dreams, he will see the girl he has always dreamed of having (not the yucky girl he claims to want now; and no I dont mean me). Instead he will see the girl he should have met, (when we first met) and I think I will like getting to start over again getting to know each other without the stupid insecurities and bad attitude getting in the way. I will have stripped off all the years of ugliness that (eating to excess and self hatred) have left behind in their wake. I am ready to start my new life, and no bite of french fry is even worth trading that for.
~Carrie
