[Trying4Thin]

Day 15

Well it is Day 15 of my "new lifestyle." I have been dieting since long before that, but a little over 2 weeks ago I made the decision to kick out all the trigger foods for good. I dont diet anymore, I just eat the right things. The foods I used to eat make me sick just from smelling them, and they have completely lost their appeal. Then again, I was never eating them for enjoyment; but instead to fill a void. I am (was) a chronic binger, emotional eater, and carb addict. Now all that is gone from my life. There are things that are much more important than my next cheese fix. I remember somebody saying on the show that it takes 12 days to start a new habit. Well I have started a new habit for craving all my new foods like; Smoothies, Yogurt, Salad, Oscar Meyer Southwestern Chicken, Wheat Crackers, and Special K cereal. I dont feel deprived, cheated, or starving. I am now down to 156.1 (-57.9 lbs). I went to the grocery store again today and the female bagger asked me if I was on any kind of diet. (I had bought a bunch of the Nutrisystem Apple Cinnimon Soy Crisps). It took everything I had not to smack her. Um what business is it of hers?? I said calmly that I was just changing around what I ate compared to what I used to. I hate when people analyze the contents of your cart and then have to have a public discussion about it. Would she have commented aloud if I had had a cart full of Ben & Jerry's and Pizza?? Or just assumed I wanted to be fat.
Last night I called "my guy" to ask if he wanted to go to a movie or take a walk and talk next week sometime. No answer. And still no call or email. No surprise. I am still really hurting. But I know that in my heart it is the right thing to do...to love him. I just wish I had gotten my life together before I met him. I have changed so much since lowering my weight. I have more confidence, I am starting to like myself more, and I have more love in my heart (which right now is going to waste). I choose my outlets better than I used to. Instead of turning to food, I know I can turn to the treadmill or the 6 mile trail. It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders (no pun intended), to have cut ties with food. It was NOT my friend. It feels good to be active again. It feels good to feel somewhat pretty, and not have a distorted face and body. I am always getting compliments from people and that feels pretty good. Come my 31st birthday I will be 120, I dont care what I have to do. That is a promise that I am making to myself. I am not going to give myself the chance to go back on that promise like I have hundreds of times before. Yes, people want me to get to goal, but I think deep down they think that I wont ever get there because losing weight alone is so hard, it takes time and discipline, and I have a less than stellar track record with it. Well I am here to prove those people wrong. I was looking at the amount of "hits" that my journal has had these last two weeks and I cant help but wonder...Why are all these people reading what I write? Is it for my soap opera, are they seeing how much strain I can take before I go and drown my sorrows in a large pizza, or am I possibly inspiring somebody out there? Just a thought I had earlier. I am just in a funk right now, and I am hoping that I will get a phone call or an email soon. But unlike other times I have been in a depression funk, my diet will not be the main casualty. I know better than that. In my mind, there are NO excuses to binge or cheat. I should know, because I have used darn near all of them. I am being extra hard on myself because I know about my past actions. If I cant handle it, I dont buy it. There is no such thing as just one serving of pizza, one tv dinner, or one scoop of sugar free ice cream. Today I actually put on a pair of size 5 underware. Last time I tried them on, (many many many pounds ago), I thought I was never going to get into them. I guess I can take comfort in the small victories. But in reality, they arent that small afterall. Keeping my fingers crossed that my phone will ring tonight while I am at the gym. What a miracle that would be. I also know that if I sit home and wait for the phone to ring, it wont...and my weight wont move either. I am not going to let 2 huge dreams of mine go to heck in a handbasket. God helps those who help themselves. Time to get off my butt and work for it.

~Carrie