[muppet]

I am 42 years old. Married to a great guy -- mother of 3. 2 boys -- 16 and 13, and 1 girl 10. I adore my entire family. I am so incredibly blessed. I teach preschool 2 1/2 days a week. My faith is very important to me. I pray for God to take my hand, and lead me through each and every day.
This is a very long entry. Read at your own risk. At the end, I am more of less giving myself a pep talk. It probably won't make a lot of sense to you. I'm kind of all over the place! Thanks for a place to let me do this!
I hesitate to do this. I don't know exactly why I feel like I should do this all on my own. I feel like I shouldn't burden anyone else with this battle. I am the reason I got this way, and I am the only way it's going to change. So, why should this type of thing be necessary? I also feel very strongly that if I want to lose this weight, and keep it off, I need to do it myself. No programs, no support groups, no crazy restricted diet, no pills, or any other aids. It has to be me, eating sensibly, and healthy, exercising consistantly. It has to be me, doing this, on my own for the rest of my life. I guess I'm afraid support systems can fail, and if you rely on them too much, you are setting yourself up for failure. Any diet that is too odd, or gimicky is bad. Yeah, I'm sure you lose weight with a lot of them, but do you want to eat that way for the rest of your life?
So, why am I here? I don't know. Accountablity? Kinda--- I have to be accountable to myself. Support and encouragement? Yeah, maybe. It's great to hear those things. But I don't want to need it. I don't want to feel disappointed if I come here, and no one has commented on what I've said.
So, I guess I'm here for me. A place to voice my opinions, vent my frustrations, chastize, or congratulate myself, -- whatever the case may be.
I love reading everyone else's stories -- and find them encouraging and inspiring. I love reading the successes, and the backslides. Not because I want anyone to do poorly, but so far, anyone who has gone a bit backwards, seems to have the right attitude. To put it behind you, and get back on track. That is something I have a problem with. I'm like -- oh, I've already done bad today, what the heck!
5'5"
195 lbs
Insanely high cholesteral.-- and too scared to go back and get it checked again. It runs in my family. My diet has improved a lot since I first had it checked. I will get it checked again, this summer, when I get my physical. I have to do my very best. I do NOT want to take any medication for it. I did exceptionally well for awhile, and lost about 20 lbs. But gradually slid back to old habits. I put the weight back on. I have started to lose a bit -- 5 lbs. I have to get that 20 lbs back off, and then some. Another 40 lbs after that would be great!
So, I know I can do it. I have done it. I just have stuck with it. I did better, and stuck with it longer last time, than ever before. I guess that's progress. I just have to get back on that horse and try again. I have no choice. I can't stay like this. So, I either have to just do it, or live, being mad at myself -- hating my body, hating my weaknesses. I need that strength back -- that determination I had a year and a half ago.
I can, and will do it!
Carol