[Trying4Thin]

Today is my 33rd birthday and I am freaking miserable. I tried really hard not to be, but I just am.
Last year I promised myself that I wouldn't be alone on my birthday. I had a flight booked back to MA and had to cancel it because my father needed cancer surgery. My parents didn't want me to come home with my father not being able to do anything without being in pain. He's making a full recovery and for that I am grateful.
I woke up feeling really depressed and wished I could have just stayed in bed all day. But I had to go to the DMV to renew my CDL and License plates (both of which expired today.) If I didn't, I would have been suspended from work and I wouldn't be able to drive my car. They made me take my baseball hat off for the picture and it came out horrible. Granted it wasn't as lousy as the one from 5 years ago, but it isn't pretty. I have nobody to blame for that but myself. My parents called earlier to say happy birthday. I didn't get a card this year and that isn't normal. My parents always send goofy cards and I look forward to them, much more than what may be tucked inside. But they said I had to stay home because something was going to be delivered but they didn't know when. I made it through the DMV in record time and came straight home. Last year I waited in line for an hour and a half so I brought my iPod just in case and didn't need it. Some guy came in after me and cut in line. The guy at the counter ahead of me said something and the other guy backed off and let me go. For some reason I felt like exploding but I didn't. Instead I made some lame ass joke about how I must be shorter than usual today. The entire room started cracking up. I came home and put a coat of Armor-all over the leather interior in my car and swept out my carport again. About 20 mins later I got a small glass vase of flowers from my brother. I called him to thank him and had to leave a message on his voicemail. Went to WalMart for a few things, then sat in the Giant Eagle parking lot thinking. I saw a woman walking 2 dogs. One was really huge, almost Mastiff sized and it was chasing a duck. Was cute. I don't know why but a few minutes later I burst into tears. It didn't last long and I was determined to try and enjoy myself even though nothing major was going to happen. I went to the pet store and bought a few things for Snoopy. I think his bunny food is bothering his stomach. He obviously doesn't mind because he has the appetite of a horse. Then I drove over to Borders to see if they had Hell's Kitchen Season 1 on DVD and they didn't. Came home and started watching, The Mummy Returns.
I am very grateful for all the comments and emails that I have gotten from my friends and passengers on here and Facebook. I just wish the one person I wanted to hear from the most would have called or emailed. It's not like I didn't know he wouldn't call because deep down I did know. I was just hoping that maybe this time would be different. I just wanted to be acknowledged and I wanted him to show me that he did care like he claims to. But nothing ever fucking changes. I'm alone on my birthday AGAIN, and he's too damn scared and stubborn to call me. So much for all the praying I did. What the fuck is so wrong with me? I have grown up since we met almost 5 years ago. The only thing that hasn't progressed is my damn weight. Hence, the major reason he doesn't want to be with me. My overall attitude has changed but he wouldn't know that because he hasn't bothered to see me. All that matters is my weight. He was going to ask me to dinner and a movie a few weeks ago but my schedule doesn't work with his. And because he knew I was available. But the more alone I feel, the more I struggle with my weight.
He can't have it both ways...if I am so not his type, why did he call me at all? Most likely because he still thinks subconsciously that there is a chance. I said as much to him and he said yes and no. WTF?? If you don't like somebody why call at all? Even if you are desperate?? Oh and his mother still asks about me. Why does he care so much about what total strangers think? I DON'T WEIGH 500 FUCKING POUNDS! Not by a long shot. And I am not naturally ugly, I'm just fat right now because of an addiction I can't shake. And he thinks we are too open with each other. Well yeah we can talk about anything and I think a lot of couples wish they had that. He said he wished he had it with somebody he really liked. Don't I count for anything? Why is he so scared of being with me? I am not a brat anymore. I have a lot to offer him and I have a huge heart. I just want to make him happy. I told him that I thought that I was the right one for him and he kinda laughed and said I might want to rethink that. I've known it and felt it for almost 5 years. I don't need to think anymore. He even said that I probably had a lot of good things about me that he would like and he probably would like me. ?????? (This was after I said that I wish he had gotten to know the real me and not the one that he ended up with). I was scared and didn't know how to act back then. But obviously he can't get over the past mistakes I made out of ignorance, stupidity, and selfishness. I have picked up the phone twice today to call him but didn't go through with it. And I did ask him near the end of the convo a few weeks ago if maybe sometime in the future if he thought it might be fun to go out on a date and he did say yes. But his thing right now is that we shouldn't spend time together if he doesn't think that we have a chance to get married. But if he wanted to do something he would call me. I also said that even if he thought we had a chance he wouldn't tell me and he said he would. I don't know anymore. If the weight were gone, we wouldn't be having this discussion and we could hang out again and get to know each other again without all the other distractions. How many more times am I going to have to say, well maybe next year things will be different? He said that we can't hang out as friends anymore because I have ruined it (it was the fighting) and it wouldn't be fair to either of us, and that we should only hang out if there is a chance or he is interested as more than friends. I haven't seen him since last November and I am not that girl anymore....I'm just not. I am more mature now; yet still brokenhearted. And to think that 5 years ago I was afraid to get close to him because I didn't want to get hurt. I'm not a naive little brat anymore.
Happy fucking birthday to me.