[Trying4Thin]

Spoke to Eric yesterday. I called the first time to try and catch up but got the machine. No surprise. I called the second time for something completely unrelated (to see if his parents might want to adopt a really cute Pit/Lab puppy). At first he seemed ok. Then it became pretty obvious that he didn't want to talk to me. And yet I think back to the times he said I was being rude...He didn't say he had to go, but he was very quiet and his answers were short. I know he has gotten my emails, he said he had. And it was pretty obvious that he didn't want to answer them. I mentioned that he was probably very busy and didn't have time to write or he just didn't want to answer me. His response was, "I don't know how you want me to answer that." Well buddy, ya just did. I do want to be friends with him and not see him (right now) and maybe do something later on and he replied with, "I guess so." There has got to be a small part of him that wants me to be in his life still or he would have either hung up on me, or made an excuse why he had to leave. He did neither. Or he could have said no he didn't want to be friends with me. The only thing he said no to was the puppy. Instead I was the one who got frustrated (gracefully), apologized for bothering him and hung up on him. I do know what his problem is. When we spoke last month on the phone it went really well. It was an actual conversation. Then he had emailed me about my progress and I said that I was struggling and that is when the tables turned. Yeah I have his support and he wants me to be happy, but when it comes right down to it, I don't feel I do. "When you get to your goal weight or look presentable, we can hang out again." Fine Eric, I will get there MYSELF, without your help. And for your information, I looked more than presentable at 145. Not that you ever saw me at that weight. I am not a Barbie doll, nor do I want to look like one. What I do know is that there is somebody really special under all this junk that you would be dying to get to know. (I think you always have wanted to and that is why you stayed.) I am sorry she wasn't there 5 years ago when we met, but later is better than never. The small, yet vindictive part of my personality would love to get to goal, have him really want to be with me and then I break his heart like he broke mine. But I can't do that because I am not that person. I am not about revenge. But I do want to see the look on his face when I become that person I have been waiting years to become. I don't think he will be so quick to dismiss me then. I know now that I am going it alone and I am freakin' fine with it. You'll see!


I started the week out on a pretty low note. Hearing the edginess in Eric's voice on Monday really hurt. I keep wishing we could go back to the point where things first started to go off track and stop it. But it isn't possible. Talking about the past only makes things worse. He gets angry and I cry. Instead of just going according to plan, I was speedballing around trying to get to a specific destination before it was time. It was bound to be a huge disaster because relationships aren't supposed to be forced. I felt insecure and turned into a clingy little nightmare. THAT is what ruined us, not my weight. I am convinced if I had just left well enough alone, and been secure in myself, that we would have gotten together. A while back he told me that we probably would have been really close, and probably even dating. But it wasn't all bad times. We did have some really good times together and that is why I have hope for the future. (Ok, the WAY WAY WAY distant future.) I still think we have a chance because we met under such weird circumstances. I think we were brought together by (a higher power) when we needed each other most. But perhaps we just aren't ready for each other yet. And so until we are ready, I am focusing on reinventing myself. I wasn't ready back in '03 like I thought I was. But next time will be different. For years I had prayed to meet the guy I would spend the rest of my life with and when that prayer was answered, I blew it because I wasn't ready. I understand now what I have to do.
Getting back to that conversation with Eric on Monday...It started a chain of events in motion that is going to forever change me. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm not going to get into it now, but I did something today that scared me half to death. (Nothing to do with guys). But I got through it and I am going to do it again tomorrow. In the coming weeks, I may feel comfortable enough to write about it. But for now, I'm just going to note that today I did something that scared me big time and I lived to tell about it. Monday I am also going to do something else that scares me half to death. Most people are known by their distinguishing characteristics. Some people have a wonderful smile, others have flawless skin, and my standout feature is my hair. I get a zillion compliments on it, and it makes me feel good about myself. But like other aspects of my life, it has gotten out of control. The more I struggle with it, the more it knots up and fights back until it eventually it causes a split end. So I have decided to chop it and start over again. This is just another example of how I need to quit living in the past and to start over fresh, leaving all the splits behind. I will most likely drive home and cry afterwards, but in the end it's only hair and it will grow back stronger and healthier. It scares me to do this, but it will end up making ME stronger in the end.