[Trying4Thin]

My next vacation was pushed back until the 2nd to last week in June. The last I checked, the time on the clock is still ticking reguardless. Time stops for no one and I have to make progress. I have completely changed my diet, and I am still playing the up and down game with the damn scale. It’s pretty much a mind game with me now. I feel badly about myself if I eat anything, no matter what it is. All I have been eating lately are healthy foods and I still beat myself up about it. I just want to see a new set of numbers instead of of the same depressing ones. I know it isn’t going to happen overnight, but come on already!! I don’t care what the weather is doing this weekend, I am going to force myself to run and it isn’t going to be pleasant. I could really use my best friend right now and he has remained silent since last Monday. Gee I wonder why? Could it be that I wasted yet another year accomplishing absolutely nothing?? The life of an addict is going around in circles and never getting anywhere. Knowing that I have his support is much different from actually feeling it. I know I have it, I just don’t feel it. I want more than anything to show him who I really am and not who I have been, but I am making no progress whatsoever. I can honestly say that I will never forgive myself if I don’t get to my goal weight and at least try to see what could possibly be between us. I think there has always been potential, but there was a huge wall that needed to be knocked down first. It is the physical and emotional one that I put up around myself years ago when I decided that nobody would ever get the chance to hurt me. For the first time in my life I am not scared of my feelings or showing them. What scares me most is never trying. If I get to goal and do reveal the new me, and still nothing happens...then case closed, his loss. But right now it’s me who has something to lose. He claims that he doesn’t care either way if something happens or not. I can see that lie 10 miles off. He just doesn’t want to admit that he has strong feelings too and that they go way beyond friends. Life is a waiting game...When you are ready for something, then you have to wait for somebody else to be ready or they are waiting on you. I think he has been waiting on me all this time.

Not going to use the scale at my gym. I weigh in without my clothes and I can't do that in a public place. My diet is fine, I just need to get back into the exercise again. I think that is what is holding me up. Plus, I have a nasty habit of weighing myself everyday. I guess it is preventitive maintanence in case I need to make changes. I am extra hard on myself because not too long ago I was in the 140's and since then I did have a chance (well 2) to get back on track. I didn't learn my lesson and now I am 50+ pounds heavier. So I am extra angry at myself for quitting in the first place.