[Trying4Thin]

Right now I feel awful. Back in March of 2007, Eric wrote himself a note to ask me in 2008 if I had made any progress in getting to my goal. If I had just kept up from last summer, I would have been there by now. Last night I emailed Eric for the first time in just under 2 weeks because I had a question for him, and I wanted to see how things were going. Well he wrote me back, which was great. But he had also found that note and he DID ask. I don't remember what I weighed back in March but I am sure I exceed it now. I said I was struggling and he said that he figured. Should he ask me again next year. I wrote back asking him if he expected me to fail because it hurt. Or was he trying to spur me on. I needed his support in spirit since I knew he wouldn't want to work out with me. And what would he have said if I had gotten to my goal weight. His response was rather enlightening. He said that he would have said, Good for you. (That's it?? BULL!!) He also said he doesn't know what I am going to do, but either way I am fine, and if I can't do it then it isn't the end of the world. That he doesn't use reverse psychology, and of course I can count on his support. He wants to see me happy. I don't know what to make of all that. If he doesnt care about me; why even ask? I miss him very much. He must miss me on some level if he bothered to ask in the first place. But I understand why he can't be around me right now.

A few days ago I found out that my father is having surgery three weeks before I come home at the end of May. Surgery is bad enough, but I found out that he has been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. He said it is contained and not to worry, that he has one of the best surgeons around doing the surgery. I haven't had anyone to talk with about it because Eric isn't around and I don't know if he would want me to call. I have pretty much shut myself away from everyone except my parents. Not having Eric around is lousy enough, but even the thought of losing a parent makes me sick. I am most likely overreacting, but Surgery and Cancer in the same sentence don't make me feel any better.

Tomorrow I am starting to work out again with a co-worker. One of the Road Supes asked me to work out with her during her break. I don't want to wait another year to get healthy. I don't want to waste another birthday being fat and alone because I doubt that Eric will want to be around me on mine. My birthday vacation somehow got messed up and so once again I will be alone.