Dearest Journal,
Well, here I am......being accountable to me....for me. I still struggle with how I got here...me, with weight....once a very fit, physically active woman....involved in sports, yoga, gym workouts....and loved exercise....ate so healthy and so what happened??? My past.....my past that always manages to creep up on me....and what I am now realizing desires to be healed, so that I may move forward into the PRESENT. Yes, I may have been a fit person by standards of society....you know, the "perfect" size and measurements...yet I was NOT healthy inside.....I see that for me, the weight I have on me now, represents, "protection" -- and now, as I continue on my inner healing journey - I see that this weight is no longer necessary...that it is WEIGHING ME DOWN...and that I desire to have muscle and strength and be enpowered - all for healthy reasons......that I no longer desire to live in FEAR and HIDE AWAY FROM MY LIFE....that I am worthy and I deserve to come from a place of LOVE towards myself....and be the person I was always meant to be. So many thoughts....yet step by step. On this journey to be healthy from a inner spiritual place which will reflect my outer physical strength....it truly is one step at a time. I have become aware and am now able to deal with my emotional eating -- me, the young girl and woman who once was aneroxic -- turning to food for comfort ....sees that now, when I make whole healthy food choices....is because I know that food is for FUELING OUR BODIES AND FOR NOURISHING OUR BODIES....and for no other reason.....why would I want to put garbage into my body...and treat this wonder-filled "temple" with unhealthy food choices...that are so harmful to me on all levels. What message am I sending myself??? That I am NOT good enough when I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!! So, I have started back on the journey of eating only healthy, whole foods.....be it fruit, vegetables, fish, nuts....NO PROCESS FOODS OR JUNK FOOD OR OVERCOOKED FOODS....lightly steamed....each time I eat, I am learning to make it a ritual....and to enjoy cooking again, as I once did. When one starts to see that one matters....then there is no desire to compromise one's health. We are literally what we eat....that is huge!!! I have started back on an exercise path....I use to do Yoga all the time -- and I LOVED IT -- not only does it strengthen one's body, and elongates the muscles...it brings one to a place of love and acceptance. Yoga truly is a loving practice in one's life. I am going to start back on my Tae Bo tapes - with Billy Blanks - let me tell you, that man changed my life......I remember, when I did his tapes...how strong I felt, how enpowered I felt...and the changes to my body....were unbelievable....truly. I can do this....I am doing this!!! Step by step...my goals are to be mindful of my eating....small portions, healthy portions and to FUEL MY BODY...and my exercise...will start with morning Yoga again....my Billy Blanks Tae Bo tapes....Boxing (I started this to help with my inner healing from my past, very powerful for woman in helping with anger releasing and feeling enpowered), I also bought the Fluidity Bar - a form of ballet exercising and stretching - amazing!!! Of course, walking....and then I will eventually get back into strength training with weights -- weights for woman...are so transforming and I miss that feeling of feeling so strong....AGAIN STEP BY STEP...ONE THING AT A TIME....CONSISTENCY, COMMITMENT....DAY BY DAY....MOMENT BY MOMENT...ONE BREATH AT A TIME.....I AM DOING THIS!!!
