[muppet]

I have to figure out some way to not let other people get to me. I also need to stop reading into what people are saying, and imagining what they are saying about me. I'm probably right in what I think they're saying, because I've heard too many things said about too many people.
But it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says.
I know people who love to poke fun and tease and who are so judgmental of everyone.
So here's what I think they're saying..."lot of good all that exercise is doing for her.... why pay money to just go walking.....she just needs to get a job.... '
Blah blah blah..
I don't like talking about what I'm up to with anyone. My mind started running rampant with all these thoughts after a relative was visiting over Christmas and I took her to the Y with me -- at her request, since she could go for free with me. I was more than happy to do this, but I know how some people are and I know how they talk about others...
Since we moved I'm not working. My husband works nights, and no matter what job I would get, it wouldn't change the amount of hours he has to work. I will NOT leave my kids home alone most every night even though they are more than old enough to be home alone. That is not the kind of parent I am.
I do want to get a job. I have been and will continue to pray about it and I have faith that the right opportunity will come along.
Also, my husband makes good money -- that really isn't the issue. So I really do want it do be something that feels right. I believe I'll know it when I see it, or when God decides to show me.
In any case, this is my business and no one else's, so I wish they'd quit worrying about it.
I wish I could just let it go like water off a ducks back. I try -- I really do, but I can't seem to quite let go completely.
And I don't want to sound like I'm related to the worst people on earth. Far from it --- they just aren't perfect. Neither am I and I know I have been guilty of the very thing I'm upset about.
Here's what got me going -- it sounds so stupid-- but I have a feeling some of you will understand....
Some people came to our house for the first time -- we were showing them around. They looked at our very large ( almost an acre) yard and joked about mowing it with a push mower. Well, so far that's all we have. We might get a rider, but not in a big rush. It's a flat lawn -- easy to mow-- just time consuming. I've never minded mowing either, except when it's a million degrees out -- it's just walking!
Anyway -- someone made a comment about if I was push mowing the whole lawn I wouldn't have to go to the Y anymore. Innocent enough comment, (and true -- it would be a good workout!) But it set off something in my brain --- I just knew others had been talking about me and my habits before I got there. How else would they know I've been a regular visitor to the gym?
So that's when I start to wonder why they were talking about me and what things were said.
These people are farmers -- their work is physical enough they don't need anything else, or at least they don't think they do. They also don't have a weight problem. Good for them -- but I'm not them -- I don't live their lifestyle---
I'm just trying to do what's best for me. I don't understand why anyone else thinks it's their business. I don't understand why no one can say 'good job, or -- I'm impressed at how hard you're working -- or, maybe---I wish I had the time/ desire/ money/ to do something like that...
But it's always negative. And it makes it worse that I really don't lose weight. I still hope that I will, but I'm not strict enough with my diet.
And I know if I ever do, then I will be analyzed yet again -- 'diets are stupid -- I've always eaten whatever I wanted and I've never gained weight...she's not eating right...
See, we all have a close relative who's battled anorexia/bulimia, and I know they'll start to watch closely if I start to lose.
You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
So why in the world to I let it bother me?
I want to put this down in black and white so maybe it will get through my head--- It's my problem -- not theirs.
I can control how I let things affect me.
I can't change anyone else, and ragging about things won't fix anything.
I can change my mindset.
I can stop putting words in people's mouths and letting my imagination run wild.
I can stop thinking the worst of them and realize that they talk this way about everyone and it's not personal. They really do love me.
They have problems that have nothing to do with me.
So I need to just keep doing what I think is best. I don't, nor will I ever, talk much about it except when asked.
This is about me. My life. My health.
I will NOT let anyone's opinions, comments, real or imagined, get to me and interfere with my battle.
I am in it to win it.
Here's to all of you, for being here, for listening, and for fighting right along with me!
Love you all!