[Trying4Thin]

Thanks for the welcome backs....I have missed it here. I have been going through a lot; most of which I have brought upon myself. I am down a little, but have a long way to 120 pounds. Right now I would do anything for my back to stop hurting. Winter is officially hit Ohio so I dont think I will be getting to the track anytime soon. I am hoping to get back to the 140's by my birthday in May but that is asking for a lot since I am still over 200. Today I am sitting at 204.4 and VERY unhappy. The physical and emotional pain is too much to go through again and I shouldn't be. But I gave up on myself yet again and now must suffer the consequences until my weight is low enough that the pain subsides. I saw Eric not too long ago and I was humiliated by how huge I was. I felt like a tree hugging a beanpole. Not great for self esteem. I want to make him happy one day; but I cant do that if I cant make myself happy first. There is a lot that is hidden under my insecurities and weight. I know he doesnt want me right now; and most likely ever, because I was so focused on wanting to be together instead of just letting it happen. I was too wrapped up in trying to fix something that I had no business fixing. And instead I got the exact opposite. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I can only hope that his heart will change; but I cant do it for him. I think he is trying really hard not to like me because of our history. He is afraid if we are together; it will be more of the same junk. So instead of harping on him; I am going to work on myself and maybe I will uncover a new me. One that he does love because she isnt pushy and insecure. I know what my faults are and I fully admit to them. I know I am not perfect and never will be. I shouldnt have to be. I want more than anything for that "we'll probably not ever be together and dont have any hope," into "I'd like to try and see where it goes." I am worth something; but right now I just dont look like I even care about myself so why should anyone else? Eric included. I know at 120 I could knock him on his butt. I want him to chase me for once because I am worth something and I do have a huge heart. I just dont want that huge heart to have to beat one more day in a huge body. It just isnt right.

"Love each other as I have loved you." (John)