I just dont get it.
One minute; the excuse is that we have different schedules and he doesnt have that much time to do things with me. Minutes later; it's that we dont have a lot in common. He thinks I dont like the outdoors, working outside, working out, and that I cant play tennis or go running. He said that it was harder to spend time because we dont have a lot in common. But if I could play tennis or we liked more of the same things that we could spend a lot more time together. We are too different. I dont think friends should be carbon copies of each other. And we DO have a ton in common. When did what we spent time doing together become so important? (as long as we werent fighting?) If I enjoy spending time with somebody; I dont care what we do. Would he have told the other "fatter than me" girls that they couldnt play tennis? Why not give me a chance? Before he said that the reason he didnt like me was because of my attitude. Well my attitude has changed and I no longer bring (us) up anymore. And yet he still feels the need to make excuses about spending time with me. I think the reason why I have lost my "life's mojo" is because I no longer have one. If I want to do anything; it is always by myself. So I just dont want to anymore. There is nobody there to go to the park with, the movies, the gym, the store to window shop. Nobody to talk to when I need a friend, nobody to watch Idol with, or to go to a Josh Groban concert with. I dont have anybody. I havent had a real friend my own age for years. I've been hurt so many times that I just dont want to bother anymore. I dont know why nobody ever wants to spend time with me or ask me out. (Creeps aside.) Yesterday he said that he was really happy with how things were going in his life; and I half jokingly said that it was because I wasnt around. And he responded with something like well yeah. Because we dont like the same things and he considers me more of a "read a book" type of person. Well reading is a solo sport and I dont require a friend to do that with. I asked him again if he still wanted to do something on the 30th because it sounded like he was trying to get out of it. He said something like, "Did I say that? It sounds like you dont want to." I'd be happy to just spend 5 mins with him. I just dont want to see his parents yet. Because I am so embarrassed. I think he is also having a tough time because I cant lose weight, and obviously want to. Well that is part of my mojo problem. I have nobody to make it fun with. When I go to the gym I see tons of couples there. When I go to the park to escape my loneliness; I see couples walking their dog, kids etc and holding hands. And it makes me feel lonelier because when I am there; I just imagine that he is there walking beside me. All I want for my birthday this year is for him to just hold my hand again. I have serious doubts that he ment it when he said that he missed me. If he did miss me; then he would be all about spending time with me and not caring what we did. And so another birthday will come and go; and I will still be here by myself. I dont want anything wrapped up in fancy paper or a bow. I just want him. That's all I have ever wanted. So I am going to try and not act too disappointed when it doesnt happen again this year. It's not like I didnt know that it wouldnt happen. Guys just dont like me. Hell I dont even like me. And I am trying really hard to like myself but I just cant. I catch my reflection and wonder who would ever want to be with me. I could have the best attitude in the world but it still wouldnt change the fact that I cant run or play tennis, or that I am fat. In answer to your question Missy. I asked him to do something on the 30th. Well I must correct myself...I pretty much told him that I would meet his parents on the 30th. That was when I thought for sure I could get this weight off. Why the 30th? Because on the day we had this conversation; it seemed doable to get to the 130's. And I blew it. What a surprise. I think I am going to just show up on the 30th, give him the 2 UConn pillows I got for him and leave. I am sure there are a million things he would rather be doing. He always says if I dont have anything to do and he doesnt have anything to do; then we can do something. Well I NEVER have anything to do. I have seen him once since last July and it is tearing me apart. It has been said that a bad attitude can ruin your life. Well it really ruined mine. And it is most likely too late to change it. The damage has been done. I looks like I am going to carry around 40+ pounds of extra fat and bad attitude for the rest of my life. I resent the day I started choosing food over everything else. Why the hell didnt I take up running instead??
"Thank G-d I'm not where I need to be; but I'm not where I used to be." (Joyce Meyer)
