Ok so I just realized that this post for me is #2,000...Good lord that is a ton of typing. So I had better make it a great one.
Carol, Patty Ann, and Phil...thanks for the comments on the '93 me. Yes it was a long time ago. I used to think I was fat back then. Not too long ago I was closing in on that weight (and I am much more physically stronger now). At a guess I was in the high 130's then; but I dont know. I guess posting that picture is motivation for me to get going for real and not just for a day or two. I dont have anything current. I happened to have that one saved in a Yahoo folder; so I used it. Maybe once I get to my goal weight I will feel comfortable putting my "worst" out there for all to see. It was no wonder I didnt/couldnt act like myself at 214 pounds; because that person wasnt ME. How can you act like yourself when you just get up one day and dont even recognize your own reflection because it's a stranger standing where you used to be? Just a blown up and very unhappy version of the girl I used to be. Nobody would find that at all attractive; I sure as heck didnt. Debating whether to get a scanner or a digital camera. Pros and cons to both.
Do I still look like that? Um well I dont know. When I look in the mirror at home I dont look that bad; even with the recent gaining. BUT then I get to the gym and the reflection seems to change. So I dont know. Guys look at me; but nobody will talk to me. That's ok, because I am there to beat myself up; not get hit on. But I am not in the gym 24/7. Honestly; I just keep to myself because I have decided that I have had enough getting hurt to last me the rest of my life. Eric once told me that even if he did like me like that; I never would have let him. Or something like that. In the very beginning I didnt. I couldnt even reach out to hold his hand unless he reached for mine first. My whole body would just freeze up in fear of rejection. Had I been secure with myself and Eric; I think I would have a drastically different life than I do right now. But I cant change things on Eric's end; I just have to wait for him to come around. It's just really difficult to recover when the love of your life isnt there with you. But I will survive somehow. "The thought of being with him tomorrow; keeps me going today."
