[Trying4Thin]

Thanks for asking. The Benedryl is helping a little. But I swear the hives can sense when the meds are wearing off because that is when they start up again. I am now taking 2 pills every 5 hours (instead of 6) in an attempt to head them off. I have three dollars to my name (not kidding) until Friday; so I cant get any creams, baking soda or oatmeal to take a bath in. Actually come to think of it; I do have a canister of oatmeal I bought for Snoopy to munch on. Just no baking soda to add to it. My mom says that it helps to draw out the itchiness. At this rate I would stand on my head and spit quarters if it would make this crap go away.

Friday I am going to settle my gym account. As each day passes; I feel more and more gross and guilty. But I also dont want to be in a huge room where a bunch of guys (especially the front desk) can see me scratching at my arms and legs. Today I was horrible foodwise. All I have eaten is pop tarts and diet mountain dew. I DO NOT RECOMMEND this concoction; I feel like vomiting. Then I spent the afternoon in tears. I really do not want to go home Tuesday. I was supposed to be in the 130's by now if I had been behaving. I am ashamed of myself and when my parents see me after seeing how different I looked last time; they are going to be disappointed too. I wish I could just lock myself in the gym by myself for the week and just workout until I cant stand it anymore. That to me would be better than having Thanksgiving dinner. The thing is; I am friends with the gym's owner (he is going to train me when I get home, and he is going to help me get moving on my personal training/weight loss counselor dream.) So I bet if I asked I could get keys to the place. He has let my mother watch the place when he is on vacation; so why not? Well I called my father and he said I have to go to Thanksgiving dinner because the family will be hurt if I dont attend. He also said that I am going to be trained when I go home and I am going to have plenty of time to beat myself up the rest of the week. I just dont want to be around food and I dont want to let the whole room know how crappy I feel about myself now since I blew up again. And I dont want anyone tip toeing around my diet. I can control myself in the presence of others; just not when I am alone because I am so miserable. My heart just aches so I just tell it to shut up by bingeing. Great solution eh? Tomorrow I face 3 managers for my last interview. Not looking forward to that. I dont even get nervous anymore because I just dont care. After losing the Road Supervisor position a few months ago; nothing much matters anymore except my passengers. I just want one thing to go right for me. I have worked so hard on everything and it is just one disappointment after another. I wish I could go back a few years and knock some sense into myself so things wouldnt have turned out as they have. Not just with Eric; but pretty much every decision I have made since I left MA in '94.