[Trying4Thin]

Hi everyone;

Yes I am still here; but barely. I am tired, cranky and I just dont want to do much of anything. Dragged myself to the gym Monday night and skipped Tuesday since I have been pounding on myself for two days straight. Had to sleep with a heating pad cuz my glutes were that sore from another Level 10 workout plus treadmill. Sometimes an hour can seem like a million. Yes I am still eating but I guess it is what I am eating that is making the difference. Today I got on the scale after work and about passed out. I was 146.3...thought for sure I was up again. I want to hit 134 lbs by Nov 21st (when I go home). That will be an even -80 pounds. I THINK I can do it. I know I can for sure hit -70 lbs (144 lbs).

Monday night was really strange. Guy at front desk said hi and I said hi back. My stupid card wouldnt scan so I made some lame joke about not having to work out then. He didnt say anything and just stared at my hand. Later, I went to get something from the locker room and bumped into that trainer who had previously blown me off. He actually said hi and asked how I was doing. My first thought was to ignore him. My second was to point out that he wouldnt get any commission for talking to me. But I just played nice. When I left, the front desk guy told me to have a good night. Havent gotten that many sentences out of him in weeks. Still getting a lot of compliments but all I want to do is just cry. Got a LONG email from Eric yesterday. No doubt that he is very angry right now. He spent the first few paragraphs venting; but then calmed down and was saying how he wanted me to be happy, I am a treasure and he thanked me for all the positive things I brought into his life.... blah blah...he said, "He wished things could have worked out between us and maybe they will in the future; who knows?" I think he means as friends. But as I was recently told from a cd I was listening to; "If things were good and they go to bad; then why cant they go from bad to good?" I am willing to wait for him forever and I dont care if I am alone in that decision. So I will wait for him to call me and in the meantime I will be constructive in my thoughts and actions. If I am to be alone for the rest of my life; then so be it.