[Trying4Thin]

Starting to feel really depressed again. I've lost all this weight and it seems like nothing has changed. I am still ignored by guys (except they stare at me), and the guy I want more than anything still is too busy to spend any time with me because of work and family. How are we ever going to have a chance to see what could be there if he and I cant get together? I finally got my junk together and I know we have a shot at happiness now. Heck the last time I saw him; I couldnt run 5 miles in an hour or do 1 hour backwards on level 9. I HAVE changed and that is just the physical stuff I have worked on. I have been going over and over in my head why he would say the things he did (that he would go out with me if he werent wrapped up in somebody else; but it wasnt that easy/he would be a little jealous if somebody else asked me out) and still not have any time for me. It makes me think that he is conflicted about what to do about the possibility of an "us." But it is driving me nuts. I was FINE until he said all that stuff recently. Now I have no idea what to think. When I was home last week I happened to mention to my mother that 2 of my past friends from hs were pregnant; one with her first and one with her second. I have no idea why; but suddenly I was telling my mother how badly I wanted to be pregnant. Another one of my friends here is going to start trying next year. It seems like everywhere I look I am seeing wedding magazines, baby stuff etc. I am 31 years old; it's not like I have forever to wait. But I guess I do, since the only guy I want near me is still busy. I wish his other dream job would come to pass and then we could have more time to spend together. I havent seen him since July; but 1 month of that was because of the "angry time" we were having. But that has long since passed. Obviously; if he could say that he would ask me out, that I was hot, and that another guy would make him jealous. I just want my friend back for now; not some acquaintance that I occasionally hear from. I asked him to go to some museum event that I accidently stumbled upon. He said that his mother already asked him to go and she was going with a few other people. I dont know if he is going or not; but I have never met his mother. 1) I am still too fat 2) She knows a lot of what has gone down between us (same with my parents) 3) I am just plain terrified to. I did send her a thank you note once. I dont know if she has given up on ever meeting me. I know Eric has told her I have lost weight; just not how much. I dont know if he has told her that I have changed a lot in the past 2 months. So, I wont be going to that event. He also mentioned this movie that he wanted to see but he couldnt go to because he was working. But he hoped I would see it. I told him I thought we could go together and he said he didnt think it was playing around here. He said to see if I could find it. Well I did, but I am sure he will have some excuse why he is busy (aka: too scared to see me). He thinks this other girl is too scared to see him because she is afraid of what will happen if they get together (uh trust me, that aint the reason), but I think that is the reason he wont see me. I dont think he wants to admit that he has feelings for me. Especially when he has "loved" this other girl for so long. I am just rambling on for now and trying to distract myself from yet another phone call that wont come tonight. It is Saturday; they will be busy again. Too bad the gym closes at 6 pm. I could really use a good pounding right now. But it wouldnt matter if they were. It is Homecoming weekend here and the stupid university shut my street down to traffic except buses going to the game. So I am stuck here from 1-8 pm. What BS! I dont feel like explaining my comings and goings to the police, so I am staying home. Cant wait until football season is OVER! Going to work out at home tonight and then open the gym tomorrow morning at 8 am. Plus I have to get my account straightened out. They keep saying my payments are late. This time I have the recipt. I know I wasnt late. A good run should make me feel better; assuming I havent lost all the endurance I have built up from being sick and lazy. I may not have the man of my dreams right now; but at least I can run again. And that can somewhat make me smile. Sorry guys, I had to get this off my chest; before it completely weighed me down.